10
Jun

Tonight

Tonight, I snuck into your room when I got home from work and told you how much I loved you.

Tonight, I watched your whole face light up when you saw me.

Tonight, I crawled into your bed so we could have one of our talks.

Tonight, I kissed your hand goodnight while you were sleeping. I remember holding that hand so tight when you were first born, and now, you're four.

Tonight, I hold on to a memory of who you were and a dream of who you're going to become.

Goodnight sweet Anna James.

1
Jun

I didn't know

I didn't know how much I would love being a mom.
I didn't know that as I watched my kids grow up I would be filled with so much saddness.
I didn't know that with each passing milestone, I would be saying good-bye to a part of my life.
I didn't know I wanted these parts of my life.
I didn't know how much I would love being pregnant and how much I would miss it when I was done.
I didn't know how much I would love the first year of life and watching them suck in all of the world and learn learn learn.
I didn't know that tears would be streaming down my face because with each passing day, they both grow up.
I didn't know that Friday nights would be family movie night and how much I would ache to snuggle with you.
I didn't know that I would love you this much.
I didn't know that I would to anything to see you smile, hear you laugh.
I didn't know how much I wanted you.
I didn't know how hard you would make life but that I would be okay with that.
I didn't know I would feel like I'm losing you just because you're getting bigger.
I didn't know you would mean this much.

Now that I know, please be patient with me.
Please try to understand that although I'm proud of you and all you're accomplishing, I'm sad too.
Please don't worry if there are days that I'm blue.
Please don't worry if I'm not myself.
Because in the end, you bring me more joy than tears.
You bring me memories and you have filled my heart like you have filled our home.

I just didn't know.

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