20
Sep

I let it go.

I blamed them for what they did, what they didn't do, what they instilled, what they didn't instill, what they said, how they said it, what they didn't say, what they threatened, what they took, what they stood for, what they taught, what they should have taught instead.

One person changed my point of view. She reminded me that I am now an adult. I have to be responsible for my own choices, my own happiness, and, most enlightening, that they did the best they could with what they had.

They did the best they could with what they had. They didn't have a way to cope, they didn't know how much it would hurt, they didn't know how much we would struggle as adults with what happened. Simply, they tried. They had their own baggage but they tried. And, they are different people now.

I am me, I have my own family, I am my own person. I am not responsible to them, they are no longer responsible to me. I will make mistakes, I will succeed, I will fail, I will continue to struggle, I will flourish, I will survive. I will have triggers that make me feel like I am seven again, I will treat them with respect and love them for who they are. I will make mistakes with my kids, my marriage, my health, my agency. I will feel worse about those mistakes than most. I will have successes that don't mean as much to me because I still struggle to put myself in the "successful" category. But that is on me now. That is how I respond, no longer what they taught.

My family is different, my kids are being reminded of all they can accomplish, all they can do, all they can achieve. I will be proud of them, I will support them, I will make them know they can stand on their own. I won't help them if they stumble, I won't need to. They can brush themselves off and keep going. You may stumble, but you won't fall. You may feel like you are failing, but you are just hitting a bump and you will find the courage within you, both of you will.

So, I let it go. It wasn't easy, and everyday isn't always that way. But the pain, the blame, the hatred, it's gone. It didn't melt away, it was a decision I had to make. It was all consuming to carry it around and it had to go away. I am me, this is my family, these are my choices and I choose happiness over hate any day.

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