Parenthood doesn't care what you think you can handle, it just delivers.
And so does adulthood.
It all just comes at you, and you just have to respond and react. You have to decide.
And as the days, weeks, months grow more and more crazy, the person who gets my most critical thoughts, my most hated thoughts, is me.
I worry a lot.
About my health, our money, the house, the kids, careers, living in the moment enough, working hard enough, loving life enough.
My weeks, like all parents, are hectic.
And I judge...
myself, my person, my work, my mothering, my patience, my kids, my life.
I am hardest...on me.
Forever critical, of me.
Forever questioning of myself.
And that means one day I will be hard on them too.
And there are times, I catch myself slipping into a dark hole.
Spiraling out of control and I have to shut it out, take a deep breath and remember to,
Laugh with them more.
Eat ice cream for dinner more.
Chase them more.
Swim with them more.
Allow them to be siblings more.
Allow them to figure more out on their own.
I want my wrinkles to be laugh lines.
I want my stomach to hurt from laughter.
I want my skin to have color from the sun.
I want to run with my daughter.
I want to chase my son.
I want to find balance.
I want to react to things differently.
I want to read to my son, every night.
I want to cherish more.
I want to not worry so much about how quickly we are losing them.
I want to not feel them slip out of my fingers everyday, but remember that our relationship today dictates our relationship tomorrow.
I want to enjoy the moment without worrying what is to come.
I want to not worry period because it serves no purpose.
I want to be on a beach with them, sand in my toes, building castles in the sun.
Recently I read a letter a mom who was about to have her fifth child wrote to herself titled, my first time mom self.
And it reminded me that although we can never go back and be kinder to ourselves, we can starting now.
And with a long deep breath, with my eyes closed in a soaking tub I say,
I want to give myself a break.
I want to be gentle, to me.
Remind myself that I am trying, and therefore I am going to make it.
I want to focus less on all I have done wrong,
I want to not only see failures.
I want to be able to relish in some of the good I have done, some of the things I have accomplished.
I know I am not there yet, I am not done with any part of me.
But I have made some strides and I have created things that I should be proud of.
I never in a million years would have pictured all of this.
All of us, snuggled in one house.
I didn't realize how comforting you all would be.
I want to be humble.
I want to be kind, to me.
I want to stop doubting me.
I want to stop being hard on me.
Time will determine what happens next in every stage of my life.
But for now, I want to be gentle, to me, and
give myself a break.