12
Jun

It's time

It's time to start living.
Actually living and letting go of so many things that drown me in heavy.
Letting go of the things that make me feel weighed down
and anxious
and bad about myself and my family.
It's time to start finding joy, spreading joy, giving you the life I want you to look back on and smile!
It's time to start...

Saying yes more.
Will you play with me? Yes
Can I have a play date? Yes
Can we do this project together? Yes
Can I start this? Yes
Can I paint? Yes
Can I do this art project? Yes
Can we...?? Yes.

Breathing.
Finding the time to take very long, deep breaths and sitting in quiet.
Not long, minutes even.
Just shut out the noise, the distractions, find my balance.
Find my breath, my calm, my sanity.
Find a way to have my chest and movement in unison with how I breathe.
It is time for me to start breathing for patience and calm so that I can find my joy.

Smiling.
And wearing that smile all over my face.
Having people hear my smile over the phone, feel my jest, my happy.
I want you to wake up to me smiling,
I want you to wake up smiling
and when we both close our eyes, I want to snuggle with you and feel us smiling.
I want to feel close to you, I want you to feel safe with me,
I want that smile to be all over our face.

Speaking to you with a kind heart.
It's what I am always telling you but I am not a good role model.
Are you yelling because you are strong willed or are you yelling because we yell?
Are you stomping because you are stubborn or are you stubborn because you are me.
Are you mad because everyone gets mad or are you mad more frequently because you get that from dad.
Kindness, I want that to be who we are all about.
I want love and soft and gentle to guide us.
I don't want everything to be a struggle and a fight, I want love to be our guide.

Own my fear.
I can't make it go away, so I won't.
But fear makes sure that I won't fail.
Fear makes sure I feel safe.
Fear makes sure I work for what I want.
Fear is my drive.
I need to own it, not the other way around.

And it is also time to stop:

Trying to control everything.
I just can't.
You are people, living your own lives.
I have to let go of the idea that I am the only one that can do it all and realize how strong of a family unit I have and how much you are capable of.
Which means I also have to be okay with the crumbs on the floor and dog hair in the corner
and the beds that never look right
and the food that is forever and permanently on your face
and the dishes that are never done
and the laundry that I could drown in
and the idea that perfect means happy.
I know that I find calm in the clean and organized
and I know that the mess and gross leave me feeling anxious
but I have to find someway to meet us all in the middle.

Thinking that I am right all of the time.
I know, it drives you to the brink
I know, it is what you and our children will hate the most about me.
So, I will let it go.
Because the absolute truth is
I don't care who is right and who is wrong, I just want peace.

Being serious.
A happy childhood is all about the silly.
All about the loss of control and finding the silly and humor in all of life.
There is no other way to do this without humor and silly and seeing you laugh and smile!

Making life harder than it already is.
See, life can be very hard or very simple, I think it's up to you on which life you get to live.
And me, I always picked hard.
I always picked the hard way out.
But, I am picking it.
Yes, I have had it a little harder than most.
Yes, my life wasn't easy growing up
and yes, I walked away from hurt and walked right into hard.
I made things hard to move on
but now I have arrived and I have all that I never knew I wanted.
Never imagined I wanted and needed.
It's all here.
Just find the rhythm and joy
find the ease and put away the hard life.

Not finding joy.
I cannot live this life with you in hate
and constant fog
and yells and cries
and anger.
I cannot live a joyless life.
So we will find the joy,
together, hand in hand.
We will find the amazing wonderful happy joy.

It's time sweet family of mine.
It's time that we regroup,
hit the reset button.
Realize that it will of course not always be wonderful and glorious and happy.
But it's time we start living the life we really want.

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