31
Mar

Five Minute Friday - define

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on define.
Go.

In the end, how will we be defined?
What will be remembered?
What will be the words people use...
what will be my legacy, my mark
what defines me?

Love
Strength
Fear
Passion

What titles define me?
Mother
Bride
Friend
Runner
Triathlete
Writer

What actions define me?
Feeling the constant weight of the world.
Action, never taking a back seat.
Throwing my arms around my community.

And what makes me...me?

Recently, I had a friend ask me what brings me pure joy in life.
And in one of the saddest moments ever, I could not answer her.
That took my breath away.
How can I not be defined by my joy?
How can I not know my joy?
How can I not make my life about joy?
Because joy, more than happiness, is the whole point.

And now, I start a new journey.
One in which this tired, exhausted, distracted and therefore angry person...
finds joy.

My journey is about defining myself as joyful and moving towards joy.
And that may mean there are times I am unhappy
because to be joyful is to be great and to be great means you walk through darkness to find the light.
I take my first step in the definition of me.
I will leave this world with joy
and allow it to fill my heart
I will have my children tell me that is what they loved most about me
my love of them
my joy of mothering
my joy of life.

Stop.

24
Mar

Five Minute Friday - Embrace

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on embrace.
Go.

This is my year of more!
My year of more love
more calm
more peace
more joy
more them
more me
more us
more!

And in order to allow that much love to fill your heart
you have to embrace your life.
Right where you are.
You have to embrace where you are and take it all in and be all in.
You have to remember you can walk away from what pains you
you can ride out tough storms with those you love and you can fall in love with you and life
all over again.

This is my year of accepting my life
the one I created
the one I balance
the one I sometimes want to walk away from but never could
the one I would recreate all over again if given the chance
this is my year of embracing it all.

This is the year I embrace that I will have no more babies
this is the year I embrace my big kids and the wonderful that comes with that
this is the year I embrace a new puppy and more love into our home
this is the year I embrace him, my forever, no matter what, my forever person.

This is the year I embrace this life, this crazy spinning we do.
I welcomed you all back into my fold,
I stopped trying to chase what we don't have
because we are gorgeous as is.

This is the year I embrace smiles, theirs and mine.
This is the year I ask my daughter how I am doing as a mother
and I embrace her honesty.
This is the year I embrace her words when she says I need more patience and I need more happy.
This is the year the day the moment.

Stop.

19
Mar

Our journey continues

It's true, I do remember everything. I am the crazy one that remembers not only my entire childhood, but my sister's. I remember our entire relationship Cory. I remember every smile, every fight, every emotion, I remember where we were standing, what we were wearing, how we looked, if we were angry or sad or happy or excited. I remember it all.

And although this drives your father crazy mad because I remember every conversation, every argument, every moment and that leads to a lot of "no, I'm right and you're wrong" kind of conversations, with this crazy comes something beautiful. I also remember everything about your stories. I remember everything, about both of you. Every moment, every milestone, every memory. I remember how you looked, how it felt, how your dad looked. Our stories are linked, you came from us so you are a part of us.

I remember every single day of our nine months together, with both of you.
Most importantly, I remember how much I loved being pregnant with you both and how I didn't want to let you go and share either of you with the world.

Anna, it took you 24 very long and painful hours to enter this world, and I remember every minute of it.
Your first babble was Dada.
It would take you a year and a half before you said mama, you liked to torture me.
Your first word was woof woof (for Mia).
You hold a special place in my heart because you are my first.
Your fine motor skills were really advanced and so you took your sweet time with gross motor.
Your first crawl came at 11 months, it was March 2010 and just you and I were home. I remember it so clearly.
You first walked at 15 months and it was THE day I was calling early intervention.
You first smiled on my first mother's day, that was special.
You slept through the night (7-8 hours) 3-4 weeks in. You loved to sleep and by the time you were six weeks old, you were sleeping 12 hours a night.
Lovey was the first present we gave you in the hospital, you still love her to this day.
Your first day of preschool was 9.11.12 and you looked so big. I let go of your hand that day and realized I was now in for a lifetime of letting you go, over and over again.

Cole, your birth-day was scheduled for Wednesday May 30th.
Your birth took 15 minutes and I remember seeing your amazing face and I couldn't keep my eyes off of you. All of our pictures, I am staring at you only, you were glorious.
I was having contractions for months with you and our last week together was painful. You wanted out and I fought to keep you in.
You hold a special place in my heart because you completed us, even though we didn't know we weren't whole.
Lovey was your first present we gave you in the hospital and you reach for her at night.
Your first babble was Mama (and I have loved you so much for this!)
Your first words were "hi there".
You learned language very quickly.
You slept through the night at 8 weeks...12 hours straight. Before then, you were starving and we had no idea.
Your first day of school, you were magic...

You first smiled at my office and I couldn't wait to get it on film.
You struggled with gross motor skills and you worried us a lot.
You had to be rushed to Albany Med in an ambulance and it is a night I will never forget.
You didn't walk until you were 17 months old, but you were actually giddy when you got it.
You love your big sister.
You love getting hugs.
You, my sweet boy, you love love.

I remember it all sweets, all of us, here.
I remember the walk into the house from the hospital.
I remember introducing you both to Mia.
I remember you chasing after her.
I remember the look on both of your faces when we had to say goodbye.
I remember us, I remember our journey.
And as our journey continues, I am forever your home base.


17
Mar

Five Minute Friday - friend

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on friend.
Go.

There are people you meet that come and go.
There are others that stay, others that make an impression,
the ones that touch your heart.

There are people that come into your life at the wrong time,
the timing is off and you cannot get along.
There are others that heard your need for them and arrived.

There are people who create circles that they call framily.
They are a part of your village, your tribe.
The ones that you can tell all your crazy to,
the ones that accept your crazy
laugh with you at your crazy
call you out on your crazy
tell you to wear that as a badge of honor.
There are people who become framily.

I was always lucky in friendship.
I always found a tight close circle
the ones I can count on
the ones that could count of me
the ones I could have fun with
the ones I could laugh at everything with
the ones that would hold my hand when it all crumbled.
I always found framily.

And the ones that owned my heart, were never after anything but a true connection.
As I got older, and kids were exhausting and my framily started to move away, there was a period when I just found myself, alone.
Unable to find that circle again and laugh again.
Always guarded.
Until luck found me again, and our circle grew again, and love found its way in, again.

This is the one place in my life I have led by example,
this is the one thing I do right...framily.
So follow me little faces.
See who I surround myself with, who I keep at an arms length.
See why.
See how I treat those that become a part of us
see how they treat us.
See the smile on our faces when we see each other
see the joy when we are around each other.
And find that.
Find genuine
find comfort
find talking until you can't stop
find silence
find good
find laughter
find real
find true
find love
don't stop until you find framily.

13
Mar

My mind's eye

I take a lot of pictures.
Not for me to remember, but for you.
I realize most of our time together, so many of our years as this small little family, will be a blur.
But you want to see and feel and recall what you did when.
You are interested and in love with your past.
You ask for stories and allow the memories to wash over you.
I see the glow, the joy, the love it brings to you.
And having the pictures makes it so real for you.
Mom, was that me?
Look how small I was!
Did I love that outfit mom?
What was I doing there?
Look, that's my lovey!
Look at my hair!
Why was I smiling there mom?
What were you saying to me in this one?

But me, I have a solid memory.
I internally capture the pictures that won't fade over time.
I carry your memories with me, I carry all of you, with me.
Your past is here with me and I love to share it with you.
Your childhood, all wrapped up, like a special present.
This blog, your forever way of remembering our journey.

And although the pictures might be of the special occasion, or the precious moment to capture...
I hold all of the good, all of the bad.
I remember the details
I remember the words
I remember the feeling,
I hold all of you, inside of me.

So when you are losing sight of who you are
or where you belong
never be afraid to come back to where it all started.
Never be afraid to find out who you once were to create who you will become.
Because I hold all of you, inside of me.

You are right here.
I have my mind's eye on you, remembering every last detail.

10
Mar

Five Minute Friday - abandon

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on abandon.
Go.

There was a time in my life when I felt so desperately alone
I felt abandoned and left,
even though I was the one to leave.
And that brought out a loyal and cautious soul.

I don't ever give up.
I never abandon the ship, even when it's sinking.
Yes, it can be seen as loyal
as committed
as determined
as love.
But it can also be seen as just too much, I don't know how to walk away.
Not from friends turned family
not from jobs turned careers
not from love
not from hope
and at times, not from darkness.

And then there are times I give up so easily
when the pain comes rushing back and I remember how I just run when that happens.
I run away and I hide and I cut it off.
I am all in, one way or the other, all in.

And because they decided I needed balance, my little faces show me the way.
They show me that loyal and reckless abandonment can both be seen as gorgeous.

You sweet loving adorable Cole,
you are reckless
you lack inhibition or restraint
every action is do now, ask for forgiveness later.
And although there are times I wish you listened more
although there are times I wish for my own heart you would be a little more cautious
a little more reserved
this careful, deliberate, worried, and overly tightly wound mother adores your balance in my life.
She adores your reckless abandonment
of the rules
of the way one "should".

And you Anna,
my little me
my little one that always over thinks
my little face that also will not desert
my stubborn mind that always forges ahead
you too will be loyal.
You too will be determined.
You too will not give up, on anyone or anything.
You too will never abandon a friend in need
you too will protect
you too will give it your all
you too will never abandon your family
you too will never abandon your goals.

It's all a give and take,
know when to walk away
when the pain is too great
when the respect is no longer there
abandon the moments that hurt.
But also remember that family, however it is defined by you,
stays.
Family is not left
family is never ending,
family you can't walk away from
family you can't abandon.

Stop.

5
Mar

I love you because...2017

Each February, you wake up to one new note reminding you of why I love you.
And you hold me to it, if there was ever a morning I forgot, you would tell me,
you wanted the reminder too.

Anna, I love you because...
you stand up for you - please always do this with all people and in all places in your life
you love Cole
you tell me about your day
math if your favorite subject
you always try, with all you have, you try
you kiss noses
you are smart
you love to read
you love family movie night and pancake Sunday
you look like mom and dad
you love our reading dates
you run and bike with me, you keep me going
you love your family
you are a good helper

Cole, I love you because...
you love family movie night and pancake Sunday
you work hard at school
you are a great little brother, amazing actually
you snuggle and talk at night time
you adore dad and run to the door to meet him!
you LOVE food!
you are smart
you care about those you love
you give "little guy" smooches
you are a great friend
you work hard on using your words
you give the best hugs
you love to move
you are so kind and gentle

The reasons are endless my loves, but here is another good one...I just love you.

3
Mar

Five Minute Friday - Purpose

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on purpose.
Go.

Ah, the ultimate word.
The word that constantly swarms in my mind.
The word that won't give up, won't let me sleep,
the word that keeps pushing its way to the forefront.
what is your purpose?
what is your reason?
what should you be doing?
is this what your life is about?
what are your priorities?
what, is your purpose????

And, I just don't know.
Because somewhere along the way, I lost my hum.
I lost my muse,
I lost my reason,
and I lost my purpose.

Because, I am an all in girl.
And I have spent so many years all in.
So many years dedicated and focused on one single part of my life.
So many years sacrificing and committed and giving all of me,
and I worked so hard at it that I lost my hum.
I lost myself,
I lost my focus,
I lost my desire,
I lost my purpose.

Because I am a girl that wears her work like a badge of honor.
I introduce myself by the number of hours I committed
I define myself by my work
my mission
my life
all wrapped up.
And when I lost my hum
my joy
my grit
I lost my purpose.

And what's most interesting is I am the one that always steps on a soap box
talking about how you cannot be defined by any one anything
because when that one anything is no longer there, then what?
Who are you
what are you left with?
No, you have to be many things
you have to let all of life in
you have to be a part of it all
so that you are always here, you always have a purpose.

This word, it won't give up.
It keeps looming over me
find you Sabrina
find you
find joy
find complete
find your purpose.

Stop.

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