21
Oct

Right there

The coffee in my hand is still warm, the light is shining through a window and I sit.
In silence, remembering a different time.
Trying to figure out what happened, what is still happening, and when I took a turn.

" "Finding yourself' is not really how it works.
You aren't a ten-dollar bill in last winter's coat pocket.
You are also not lost.
Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people's opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are.
'Finding yourself' is actually returning to yourself.
An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you."

I have lost my way, but not myself.
I am here, right here, still standing, still me.
Some pretty exceptional people have stood up to tell me so.
To remind me of the real me, not the opinions floating around, not the rumors I am spreading about myself in my mind, I am right there, right here, the whole time.

I know why other's opinions matter.
I know why I take it so seriously.
I know why I take it all so personally,
because to me, it's always been personal.
It's always been serious, and to me, it's important.
All of it is.

I can't explain it well, I don't have the right words to tell you why I view life this way, I can't not take it seriously, I can't just pretend about anything, and I'm really bad at letting go.

So instead, there is some undoing I have to get to.
I have to undo some irrational thinking and I have a lot to figure out right now.
Big things, important decisions about the direction I need to take, the U-turn that I have no choice but to take.
I don't have to find me, I am right there, right here.
I am here, standing, breathing, me.
I am real, I am just as important, I am just as significant and I matter.

I am worth it, I am good at things too, I am capable.

It's darker now, I wasn't able to do this all in one sitting.
The light is fading and candles fill my space.
I have had some real conversations and some significant realizations.
I understand a little more about my direction and I started to turn the car around just a bit.

Not to find me but to go back and return to who I know I am.
I am right there, right here, still standing.

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