6
May

Baby

The truth is,
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid to live this life without blissful, loving, only filled with love and love to give babies.

The truth is,
I miss you.
I miss little you, I miss your tiny noises, I miss holding you, I miss your smell.

The truth is,
I miss us.
I miss the ease we fell into as parents, I miss knowing it all and having all the answers, because we were always the answer to you.

The truth is,
I am sad.
I look at you and I feel this loss, even though you are standing right here.
I am so sad of the babies that are no more.

The truth is,
I don't do well with letting go
and change
and big changes
and time falling right out of my grip.

The truth is,
I was so good at being your mom then.
I was so calm, it was so natural to me.

The truth is,
I am still good at it, it's just that most of it isn't natural anymore.
But, good, I'm still good at this.

The truth is, I didn't wish our time away and I don't regret most of that time together.
I did a really good job of living in the moment because I did realize I was going to look away for one second
and it would all be taken away
and it was.

The truth is, I still hear a baby cry and start to sway, the way I swayed with you.
The same rhythm, the one that made you feel safe, the one that made you feel loved.
The truth is, I look at old pictures of you and I am in awe of all of your perfectness.
The perfect you still are.

The truth is, you're still little.
I still have all the cuddles
all the warmth
all the love
all the memories
all the times you still need me.

The truth is, I will be ok.
This is just life
the one I signed up for
the one I wanted
the one I knew would come and go
our time together, I knew it was all going to be so short.

The truth is, we have so much to look forward to.
So much of our relationship that hasn't even had a chance to start yet.
So many milestones we get to hit together.
So much down the road.

Because the truth is, this is what everyone does.
They come into this world,
they make such an impact,
they impress on our hearts and then they continue to live their life.
The one they want, the one they ask and wish for.

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