11
Jan

Five Minute Friday - better

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on better.

Go.

It's my year of change, my year to embrace it, my year to wrap it around me. And unlike the me of yesterday, today's me cannot focus on better. I cannot focus on improvements, I cannot focus on getting better, getting more, I need to stay grounded in grateful and grace.

So many changes are coming my way, so many scary moments for me, so many things to let go, so many things I have been meaning to say goodbye to, so many things I have never wanted to say goodbye to but am being reminded the choice is not mine to make. And so, in this drastically changing year, I will focus on staying right here. My mind always races to the future, always lingers in the past, and although I have my plan, although I have a path to keep me okay, better is not in my plan. Better cannot be what I spend my time on, better cannot be a part of me this year.

Because this year will be a wonderful challenge. This year will be building the foundation of all I have planned, this year will be ever changing. And I cannot say that it will be better, I cannot say it will be glorious, but it is necessary. And although I am not making it all better, I still have growth in mind, I still have changes I need to make for me, for them, for us. Is it possible they will make us better? Yes, but that is not the goal, the focus, the end. I am okay, I am trying and I am doing the absolute best I can for right now. Better is the me of yesterday, the me I have to let go, the me that strives for too much. Today, I will be ignited by change and the new me I need to become.




21
Dec

Five Minute Friday - with

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on with.

Go.

With grace and poise and love and light in my heart.

Here we are, heading into 2019, a year that promises to be filled with change, work, determination, and plans.

A year that will allow me to plan for me and a year I will need to remember that I can only do this determination and hard work yes, but also with grace, poise, and love and light in my heart.

A year that will test me, ask me what I really want, ask me how much I really want it. A year that will come with stuff and work and even more hard work.

But my year nonetheless. My year to make my mark, make my change, turn the tide in my direction and a year to be me. And all that comes with me. All that embodies me, and a year to remember there are still those that love me, even with all the extra I bring. A year to remember that only I can get to the end of my tunnel, only I can do this, so thank goodness I am me.

I will no longer say it will be a hard year, I know the universe listens and will deliver. Instead, I will say that it will be a year of transition. A year to share my responsibilities because my responsibilities are shared, a year that the transition will be smooth and seamless, a year that transition will lead to transformation.

A year that I will start with grace, poise, determination, and love and light in my heart. A year I will hold on to it, hold it close to my chest. And when the tightness might make it hard to breathe, I will remember that I carry it all with me. I will remember that the transition will lead to transformation and I will continue to move with light.

Stop

14
Dec

Five Minute Friday - still

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on still.

Go.

16
Nov

Five Minute Friday - one

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on one.

Go.

I am one person.
One person that does not have all the answers.
One person and is trying her best.
One person that can feel lost, alone, loved, scared, worried, anxious, joyful, angry, cozy, happy.
One person raising a family.
One person building herself, her little faces, her business, her work, her mission.
One person wrapped up.
One person needing other people.
One person who knows she needs balance.
One person who wants.
One person that lives life differently.
One person that is working hard on accepting herself.
One person working hard on not tearing herself down.
One person who loves.
One person who loves with all she has.
One person that creates time, makes it so special.
One person that knows that time is always stolen.
One person that needs.
One person that works to change and grow.
One person that works and loves to work.
One person that mothers and loves to mother.
One person that is still standing.
One person that believes in things like childhood and direction and life and love and marriage and family.
One person.
One.

26
Oct

Five Minute Friday - moment

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on moment.

Go.

They hit like lightning bolts, real ones do.
They can strike you, knock you over and remind you of the truth.
Mine struck me where it counted when it mattered most.

The moment I finally saw clearly.
After months of fog and exhaustion and drowning, I saw clearly.
The moment I heard laughter and it made my heart warm.
Made me fill back up a place that has been too empty.
The moment I got clarity.
Reminded myself who I am, what I stand for, what I believe in, my worth, my truth, me, right there, right here.
The moment I figured it out.
My plan, my promise to myself, my way, me taking back my life, my thoughts, my joy.
The moment I started building.
No longer putting out fires, no longer reacting but building.
The moment I started to believe in myself again.
Walking through fear as I always do, not conquering it, not getting rid of the doubts, but walking straight through.
The moment I laughed and cried and released.
What I needed, release and mourning and moving on.
The moment real friends showed up
took a hold, reminded me why I love, who I love, how I love.
The moment real at all showed up
not what I was creating, imaging, projecting.

One moment in time, one.
One significant thing that changed it all.
I'm not all the way there, I am not naive enough to think, say, or feel otherwise.
But I am on the right path finally, the one I belong on.

19
Oct

Five Minute Friday - who

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on who.

Go.

It's already cold in NY.
Bundle up in coats and gloves and hats cold.
Fall is shorter and shorter in this area and although beautiful, the cold leaves you feeling a bit out of sorts.
Not ready for the drastic change and needing a little more of a runway to winter.
It's like fall is losing its way a little more every year, just like I am.
I am losing my way and I am sitting here thinking who?
Who am I connected to, can I turn to, is in my circle, has my back, is a part of me, understands this?
Who can lend an ear, a hug, a heart.
Who has heart left to give?

Last night, I cried.
Not because of but for those I love, I cried for loss, I cried for me.
I cried out of fear and pain and release.
I searched inside for my who and what if I come up empty?
What if the who is lost?
What if I lost it all?

Once upon a time, fall was full of color and cool nights and fires and warm clothing and all things cozy.
Just like me, which is why it was my favorite.
Because I too saw colors and beauty and built a life around cozy.
But somewhere along the way, fall and I got lost and we have turned too cold too fast.
The who is who I lean on to build me up, to listen, to stand together.
I am losing my way, my path, and my clear mind.
I am losing myself in layers and loads of bad and I am worried.
What if I am also losing my who?

To the who I turn to, I now need a new map and some new directions.

Stop.

12
Oct

Five Minute Friday - praise

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on praise.

Go.

Words.
Words of affirmation.
Words of gratitude.
Words of praise.
I love and live for words.
I am calling myself a writer because I have this teeny tiny little blog that only my children will read and follow.
But maybe because of my writing and my love of it always is why I love and live for words.
Maybe because it is my love language.
Maybe because I also chased their approval and never got it.
Maybe because I quietly worked so hard all of my life and not a single person noticed.
Maybe because now, as a mom and CEO and wife and business owner, I never ever hear them.
Unless I tell them to.
Unless I ask to be acknowledged and I cannot even begin to tell you how shitty that feels.
I made you dinner, what do you say?
I landed a donor, what do you think?
I found us the right fit, how is it going?
It all goes unseen, not recognized.

So, I spent a month acknowledging myself.
One solid month of each and every single day writing about something that I am proud of me for.
It was sad at first and a few times it made me cry but in the end, to look up from my desk and see 30 reminders and thank yous to me, well, that made me believe in myself again.

I gifted the words, all the praise, to me.
And one day my daughter wrote something.
A handful of days my husband wrote to me and both were lovely.
They instantly made me feel warm but this was a gift I gave myself and I followed through.
I was so proud of myself for fighting through the feelings of sadness
the feelings of "this is icky"
the feelings of "does it even count if it's coming from me?"
because it does count.
We are our loudest voices and we are around us all of the time and we are the worst at building ourselves up so yes, it mattered.
Yes, it counted.
Yes, I found my praise.

I praised myself for being a good mom
I praised myself for my strength
I praised myself for running a company
I praised myself for always being scared but always doing it anyway
I praised myself for training and running a half marathon
I praised myself for being 40 and handling my birthday like a grownup
I praised myself for the work I do for my agency
I praised myself for my work, my determination, my grit
I praised myself for my health and my priorities
I praised myself for my traditions and how special I make time, critics be damned
I praised myself for my nurturing nature
I praised myself for my love.

Words are important to me.
I stopped being shy about
I stopped asking for it from others, I can't even pretend that forcing it is okay.
And I just started with me.
I allowed myself the gift I always want, one that can't be wrapped, one that can't be put in a box.
One that takes time and consideration.
One that takes thought and notice.
I got me.

5
Oct

Five Minute Friday - share

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on share.

Go.

I want to share something,
this blog is for me.
It is healing for me.
It is a journal of my parenting.
And despite the criticism I receive regarding how pollyanna I make parenting seem, not only do I disagree,
I just don't care.
I know that I share and am honest about my struggles, regrets, worries, concerns.
And I just don't care if you think it's too positive, I will always protect and defend their childhood.
I do not do this because anyone follows me, because they don't.
I do not do this for others to offer advice, because I have none to give, I am winging it.
I do this for me and for them.
I do this so you have a way of knowing how this all went down.
I do this so I have a way of looking back and remembering how this all felt.
I share to heal.
I share to let go, acknowledge and define the feelings I have, and then tell them to piss off.

I share because there are times when I am lost and distracted and empty and it's all too much.
I share because I know so many go through this and we are not alone.
I share because I have to call it out in order to move past.

I share about our amazing.
I share about our awful.
I share about my past.
I share my concerns for our future.
I share what we do well.
I share where I failed.
I share my solutions for us, the positive ones I found, the ones that no longer work, and the regrouping we always have to do.
I share where we stumble.
I share where we lost our way.
I share our book, chapter by chapter.
I share for me and for them, to heal and to know we always find our way back to us.
Because we actually do, we always find our way back to us.
And it ends positively because that's our family rule, we always end the day on our good.
We always end touching toes and talking about the parts we loved and apologize for the mistakes we made.
And as I climb back down the stairs, after yet another long day, I am thrilled to have the quiet and the time without being a mom because I am me too.
The book we started over 18 years ago is torn and faded and beat up and the pages are weathered and the cover is old and a bit ratty.
The story is changing year by year and some chapters are really scary and tearful.
Some chapters are amazing
all the chapters matter.

I share because I will always believe in our happy ending and because I know I have to share to heal me.

Stop.

28
Sep

Five Minute Friday - potential

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on potential.

Go.

My son asked me last night how I became the leader of an agency, "how did you become the boss"?
He's been asking a lot of questions about my work recently.
Running the agency, starting my own business...why, and how, and what do you do, and how did you get there?
He's six and has always known this part of me, it's not something new to him but wrapping his head around it and putting the pieces together is something he is now starting to question.
So I answered, monkey, I worked really hard for a long time in my agency and then they saw my potential and asked me to take on the role.
Same with my company, I have been working really hard to make it work and I have to believe in my own potential.
And his immediate next question was "what's potential?"
It's about the future, what you can become and what you are capable of if given the chance.
I was given a chance.
Incredible mentors and your dad believed in me and I was given the chance.
But you have to believe in yourself too and that's where mom struggles the most.
But, I am getting better, finding my way to me.
At six, I let it stop there.
Because I need them to know it's not always easy to believe in what you're capable of.
Or that some people aren't born fearless and with all the confidence in the world.
But that doesn't mean those people stop and settle.
People that are scared and worry about choices, they make it too.
I feel it's a little harder for them, but only because it's the experience I know
and seeing the other side seems way easier, but it might not be.
Either way, they make it too.
They fight through doubts and fears and worries and concerns and they make it too.
Because in the end, their potential doesn't let them down.
What is sitting in them, it comes out, one way or the other.
Either through hard work
or pushing through fear
or focusing on what they do well
or challenging themselves
eventually ambition and potential find their way to the surface.
And if you're really fortunate, if you're privileged,
someone else sees it,
recognizes it,
and allows it to flourish.
They don't stomp it down.
They don't shut it down nor do they shut it up.
They amplify it and they shine a huge light right on it.
Potential will not go quietly into the night monkey.
Surround yourself with those that see it in you too and shine.

14
Sep

Five Minute Friday - crowd

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on crowd.

Go.

It's not my favorite, being surrounded by a crowd.
I instantly think of strangers and small talk and the awful feeling of awkward.
I think of how awkward I am, how quiet I get.
I get lost.
But then I think of him.
How much he loves a crowd.
How much he comes to life.
How much he seeks it.
How much energy he gets from it.
And I realize he is my balance.
He has taught me to find the energy from it, to take their excitement and turn it into my own.
He has taught me to love races, not just solo races, but official races with crowds of people.
He has taught me to sit back and watch, take in the crowd, watch how excited they get.
He has taught me to look at my resort town with enthusiasm when the crowds pour in.
He has taught me that it means life and joy and people are out and happy.
He has taught me to get caught up in it, use it to my advantage.
And so I have.

Each summer, our amazing little town comes to life in this amazing way and crowds and crowds of people come.
Everything is busy and loud and warm and summer nights walking around have become my favorite.
We are teaching our kids how special it is, how lucky we are.
We remind them that having to find parking means people are here.
We tell them that we are privileged, we get to live here, where others want to be.

Each year, I do two races and both are now in official race settings, not just on my own.
I have learned that my time does improve.
I have learned that it does warm my heart to hear people cheer their family members on.
I have learned that there is something about that "great job" from a stranger who is smiling that makes me feel okay.
I have learned that reading the signs always makes me laugh when I need it most.
I have learned to relish in their screams and cheers and go get its.

You taught me this and now I know it too.
I get it.
I don't need it like you do, I never will but I understand now.
Crowds do mean life and joy and spirit and energy.

Stop.

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