13
Jul

Five Minute Friday - done

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on done.
Go.

I try.
It's the best I can do.
No, it's the best thing about me.
I put one foot in front of the other and I keep going and trying and I use grit and determination and I get there.
I never look the prettiest.
I never look accomplished.
I never look like I belong.
I never finish first or top anything.
I struggle, but I keep trying.

And I am done with feeling bad about it.
I am done with hearing how I need to tweak something or change something or work harder on a different part.
I try my best and I get there and that makes me proud as hell of me.

I work for what I want.
I set my mind to it, I formulate a plan and I learn by making mistakes.
And I make a lot of them.
I make them as a mom, as a business owner, as a long-time CEO, as a friend, as a bride.
I make them over and over again.

And I am done pretending that I am the only one that has faults.
I am done with feeling like the world is sitting on my shoulders and I have to, should have, need to have
everything or anything figured out.
I tell my kids that everyone makes mistakes
all you have to do is take responsibility
apologize and learn so you don't do it again.
And it is time I start listening to myself.
Everyone makes mistakes, not just me, everyone.

I do a lot of research on me and others.
How to communicate
how to manage
how to be a better person to those in my life
how to connect better
how to make them feel better
how to make myself feel better.
What makes me run?
What makes me tick?
What makes me move?
What is frustrating for me?
What motivates me?

And I will never be done.
There is always new information to learn.
Always more information to gather.
And it does make us better people.
Not because of labels and putting things in boxes but because it illuminates who we are, who others are.
Because it helps us understand more
judge less
have more patience
set up better systems
be our best selves.

Anger comes easily to me.
Blue and lack of luster and joy.
Never calm and or at peace but always moving, nervous, my mind always going.
But there is too much beauty and joy for this to be all of life.
And I need a balance. I need to be surrounded by love and joy and calm and happy.
So I am done with misery for misery's sake.
I am done with those that look for reasons to be angry, just because.
I am done with having to be with those that cannot see color, everything is black and white.

It is my year of different and I have found ways to say yes, I accept as well as no, I am done.

Stop.

6
Jul

Five Minute Friday - vacation

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on vacation.
Go.

Standing, watching you run in and out of the water
hearing your joy spill out of you.
Seeing your childhood come to life.
Getting the house ready to go, my little girl who believes in traditions as much as I do waits all year for this.
She waits for us to pile into the car
she waits for the house
she waits for ice cream for dinner
she waits for our framily to show up
she waits for the walk to the beach
she waits for this time.

Our vacations are filled with nothing special and that makes it magic.
Our vacations are filled with doing nothing and it is amazing.
They are simple.
Simple food
simple toys
simple home
simple times.
Walks
dinners at home
sandwiches on a beach
sandcastles and water
ice cream.

They are almost the same thing every single day.
They are so much nothing and not doing that I finally unclench.
I finally exhale.
There is so much laughing so much catching up and talking about important and unimportant things
so much time
so much reading
so much coffee
so much togetherness.

And I know, you shouldn't need a vacation from your life and I don't but that doesn't mean we can't take this opportunity to realize how exceptional time away is.

I hope you grow up and find your circle.
I hope you find people that make you better.
I hope they are in your daily life as well as ones you can live with for a week.
I hope your vacations are special
I hope you remember that ours were.

Stop.

29
Jun

Five Minute Friday - if

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on if.
Go.

If I smiled more, I would be proud of my almost 40-year-old lines.
If I laughed more, you wouldn't see me as a serious mom.
If I let go more, the anxiety wouldn't build.
If I was more patient, my family would feel lighter.
If I was more in-tune, I would know how to de-escalate situations.
If I could turn back time, there are so many things I would change, so many conversations I would do over, so many words I would take back.

But, I am me.
I am me and I am okay.
I am me and I don't have to be different.
I am me and I am not anyone else.
I am me and I shouldn't be anyone else.
I am me and I have to find the good of what I do.
I am me and I too am allowed to make mistakes.

If I focus on my good.
If I remember my year of different.
If I remember that I am who I am.
If I remember that I am not the crazy that I feel others see me as.
If I remember how much I love, how much I care, how much I try, how much I do.
If I remember that the person standing in front of that mirror is okay, she is okay.

If I had to do it all over again, this life all over again, you know I would have it turn out just like this right?
I would marry you all over again.
I would have the two children we have.
I would have spent 17 years loving Mia and I would adopt Pearl.
I would be living here.
I would be loving you all.
If I had it to do all over again, I would have it turn out just like this
being exactly who we are.
Because we are okay.

Stop.

22
Jun

Five Minute Friday - ocean

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on ocean.
Go.

It's the sound.
The one that surrounds me and whispers that calm is here.
It's the smell.
The one that tells me the sand is now under my feet, the lotion has been applied, the time to relax is now.
It's the laughter.
The one that spills out of my kids, the happy childhood coming to life.
It's the people.
The framily we are with, the souls that are healed.
It's the warmth.
The one that comes from the sun, the one that makes the cold and shivers disappear.
It's the time.
The one that finally moves slowly, lists be damned.
It's the traditions.
The ones that mean everything to my little faces because this part of parenting, I did right.
It's the tired.
The one that comes from a day of laughter and games and kids and doggies and the beach.
It's the right kind of tired.
It's the right state of mind.
It's the right people in my life.
It's the right connections.
It's the right reminders.
It's the right atmosphere.
It's the right surroundings.
It's the right feelings.

It's the way my life should go but somehow I make it too complicated.
It's the way I should feel most of the time and in my year of different, I am trying
and trying is good too.
I know how different things need to be.
I know how much I make things too hard and I am trying.

Trying to live my life with reminders of small.
Trying to live my life with reminders of good.
Trying to live my life with reminders of joy, pure joy.
Trying to live my life with reminders of beauty.
Trying to live my life standing where I am, not where I was, not where I should be.

It's the mood.
The one that transcends me into a happy mom again.
It's the vibe.
The one that feels freeing, less constricting.
It's the food.
The meals that mean more than fuel.

It's just the ocean but to this little family of mine, it's everything.

Stop.

15
Jun

Five Minute Friday - restore

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on restore.
Go.

It's the end of another school year.
It's the end of another season.
It's the end of sports and lessons and so many schedules.
It's time for this family to sit back and restore.

It's the end of our tri.
It's the end of all of that training.
It's the beginning of the racing season but for now
it's time for my body to rest, it's time for me to restore.

It's the start of my kids acting up.
It's the exhaustion coming through.
It's the lack of patience from every single one of us.
It's time for our unit to regroup, come back together, find the simple and bask in it.
It's time for us to restore.

It's time for a summer bucket list, the only one we stick to.
It's time for some new traditions and in my year of different, it's time for me to find my restoration too.

It's time to get back in front of framily.
It's time to fill myself full with all the right people.
It's time for me to step back from those I do not feel good about or good about myself with.
It's time for me to find where my heart is full.
It's time for me to find those that are comfortable with my crazy and admit to their own.
It's time for me to find my restoration too.

It's time for my kids to feel a part of a happy family again.
It's time for us to find all the relaxing parts of life again.
It's time for us to feel connected and squished together again.
It's time for this family unit to be restored.

8
Jun

Five Minute Friday - fly

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on fly.
Go.

This Sunday, four months of training comes to a head.
This Sunday, we do our fourth triathlon.
This Sunday marks the end of 2 1/2 or 3-hour workouts.
This Sunday, I take off, I fly.

This Sunday, it will all be over.
This Sunday, I will plunge into that freezing cold water and I will be paralyzed with fear.
This Sunday, I will answer the question of "this is supposed to be fun right?" with hell no, this is supposed to show my body who is boss.
This Sunday, I tell my fears to go to hell.
This Sunday, I tell my MS who is in charge.
This Sunday, I will do it anyway, because that's how I make it through my life, petrified but doing it anyway.
This Sunday, I take off, I fly.

This Sunday, I will hopefully climb on my bike (which means I made it out of the water) and I will pedal.
This Sunday, I will tell my hip to shut up, we are doing this anyway and I will run.
This Sunday, I will tell those passing me, great job.
This Sunday, I will put one put in front of the other
I take off, I fly.

This Sunday, I will remind myself the torture of the swim is under 20 min and anyone can do anything for less than 20 min.
This Sunday, I will remind myself that the hill I climb in the beginning marks my ending too.
This Sunday, I will push through the cold, the shaking.
This Sunday, I take off, I fly.

This Sunday, we will come home and tell the kids how it went.
This Sunday, I will remind them how scared mom is, but how she keeps going.
This Sunday, they will see how strong and brave dad is.
This Sunday, they will ask questions because they have really good hearts.
This Sunday, we will celebrate as a family.

And here we go
four months of work
four months of time
four months of pain
four months of actual anger over the time and pain
four months of people asking "then why?"
four months of saying because I have to prove that I can
to me, I have to prove that I can to me!

This Sunday, I take off, I fly.

1
Jun

Five Minute Friday - return

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on return.
Go.

Return to the me I am.

In and out of anger.
In and out of fog.
In and out of joy and love and grace.
It's time to return to the me I am.

In and out of deadlines that make me lose my focus.
In and out of lists that pull me away from what is important.
In and out of seasons of sacrifice.
It's time to return to the me I am.

But in order to return to her, I need to define who she really is.
Because she is complicated.
She is tightly wound.
She is a lover of work and family.
She is confused and always questioning.
She is constantly reevaluating and taking steps to grow.
She recognizes her core, she is self-aware, but growth is important.
It's time to return to the me I am.

In and out of love and distraction.
In and out of weight and freedom.
In and out of responsibility and childhood.
It's time to return to the me I am.

I am going to keep redefining her.
She will be reinvented.
She isn't one to stand still.
Time changes her.
Circumstances make her see things differently.
But her core has always been there.
It's time to return to the me I am.

The woman who loves love.
The woman who loves her circle.
The woman that believes in the power of childhood.
The woman that welcomes joy and smiles and laughter.
The woman that allows it to take over her soul, her body.
The woman that listens more, speaks what is important.
It's time to return to the me I am.

Stop.

25
May

Five Minute Friday - pause

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on pause.
Go.

And today, I will hit pause and sit in calm and comfort.

It has been a whirlwind of a week.
Two huge events for my agency
big meetings for my business
triathlon training is really taking up so much of my time
the kids are getting close to the end of the school year
my husband has reached his school year limit
I have been running around trying to keep it all together
which means at night my brain falls apart and forgets how to fall asleep
which means this morning as I sit in the success of the last few days
I will hit pause.

Today, I will breathe
I will nap
I will have a cup of coffee by a window while I read
I will take my dog to the park and have her burn off energy
I will pause.

I will shut down
forget my list
I will linger
I will sit with myself
I will be happy with the accomplishments but also happy that it is over
and I can hit pause.

Today I will hug my kids
I will snuggle them
we will have dinner together
we will kiss noses
they will tell me about their week
they will ask how my week went
and I will remind them that work is important
that mom loves to work
she leans into it
but I am happy to be home
hitting pause.

I will reconnect
become a better bride
a better mom
a better friend
I will find the other parts that were pushed away.

Today I will linger
I will smile
I will feel whole and full.
Job well done sort of full and whole.

And today, I will hit pause and sit in calm and comfort.

Stop.

18
May

Five Minute Friday - secret

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on secret.
Go.

It's my number one family rule, in our house, we don't keep secrets, we keep only surprises.
Secrets are too heavy loves.
Secrets feel sneaky and carry a hint of lies and possibly shame.
Secrets can get us into trouble and sometimes can get us hurt.
I don't like secrets, only surprises.

But lately, you have been having trouble with this one.
You have been keeping things from us in the worry of "getting in trouble" and that is making me worry.
Are our voices to sharp?
Are our consequences too severe?
Are you living in fear of reactions?
How else and what else can I add to the list of ways that I fail you?

But as we all know, parenting is all about learning and all I can do
is keep listening to you,
keep molding to you,
keep changing with you.

I want to remind you that I am not here to make you feel worse.
I am here to help you learn.
I am not here to rub anything in.
I am here to brainstorm on ways to handle it differently next time.
I am not here to be the example of perfection
because no one is.
I am here to remind you that everyone makes mistakes, even grownups, even parents.
And all we have to do is take responsibility for them, learn the lesson and move on.

I do not want a home of secrets, I want a home full of trust.
I want you to know that we are your base, we are the foundation and we do not judge
we shape and grow and nurture.
We love you and that will never change.
There is nothing you can and can't do to make me love you more or less, that is just fact.

So let's get back to our house rule.
Let's understand why it is in place.
Let's remember how much we will always love.
Let's stop keeping secrets and open back up to each other.
Let's remember that this is the one weight you do not have to carry because we are here to take the load away.

Stop.

11
May

Five Minute Friday - include

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on include.
Go.

I made the decision to include you in my life pretty early on in us.
I just knew, our love would become family.
And so I decided to walk with you, side by side, hand in hand.
And there are times you allow me to take the lead, bring us down a certain path
but when it comes to the really big things, you lead me.
Out of fear, anger, mistrust, concern.
And you lead me straight to them.

It took me longer to include you in my life kiddos.
It took me longer to think about all of the pros and cons.
It took me longer to look at this parenting thing and for some reason, I felt I needed to go in
eyes wide open.
So I did, I did all of the research
I made us have all of the conversations
I came up with all of the different scenarios, situations.
And as always, you guys taught me.
That parenting and family doesn't work that way.
That all of life is day by day, moment by moment so let's live in it.
And when I finally decided to let you in, you made me something else.
You made me into this woman filled with beauty and love and warmth and you handed me my second chance at childhood.

We all make decisions on what to include all day every day.
What to include in our lives, in our days, in our moments.
We decide what to include in our homes, who we include in our circle, what to include in our heart.
We decide what to include in suitcases, baggage, closets, hearts.
We decide on what we let in, what we let take over, what stays and what has to go.
We decide and so I have chosen wisely.
I have included joy to balance my lack of.
I have included love to balance my cynicism.
I have included young to balance my old soul.
I have included you to balance me.

Stop.

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