11
Feb

I notice you

I am quick to remind you of all the things you're not doing.
I am quick to get annoyed.
I am quick to excuse it all with my exhaustion, my lack of patience, how I was raised.
But I am slow at figuring this all out.
Slow at seeing all you bring
all that is important to you and how you show love.
I am slow at the thank yous and I am never coming with the "I am sorry".

So, today, on my track to being different
today on my month of gratitude
I want to thank you for all you do.
For me
for us
for them
for the family.

Because I want you to know, I notice.
I notice you and all you do, I notice your smile when you look over at them.
I notice your happy face when he pulls out his Starwars guys
I notice your pride when she is working hard and not giving up
I notice you.

And I know, words don't resonate as much with you as they do with me,
but I think it's important to document my gratitude for all you do.
Like how you don't make me feel crazy for my crazy
like how you don't let me get away with it either
like how you are a doer, you always get stuff done for us
like how you have poured all of you into this house
like how you are the one he turns to in the middle of the night because "dad stays to snuggle longer"
like how you are the one she gets homework help from
like how you are patient with their learning
like how you see them for what they will become
like how you always saw them, even when I didn't
like how you were the first person to believe in me
like how you made me believe in love
like how you made me a mom
like how you never give up on us
like how you will never let us be angry forever
like how you always say sorry first
like how you need hugs
like how you tell me I'm still pretty
like how you tell me I am strong
like how you never question my hours
like how you never worry

I notice.
I notice all you do
I notice how much you work at all of this
I am proud of you
and I heart you.
I notice you, sweet love, I do.

7
Jan

Here's to us

Here is to almost 18 years of us.
From page to page, chapter to chapter, book to book to book.
I have loved writing our story even during the times when the chapters were glum.

So here's to the years we were happily dating.
Here's to the years we have been married.
Here's to the years of family, the one we wanted and created.
Here's to the ups the downs the highs and the lows.
Here's to the boring, the awful the scary and the thrilling.
Here's to us.

Here's to our vows, the ones we made to one another.
The ones we cling to.
The ones we swore to.
The ones that light our way in the dark.
Here's to our concerns, our wishes, our hopes.
Here's to our wants, our needs, our fulfillment.
Here's to us.

Here's to our wedding bands, the ones I still look at and feel as though it can't be real.
Here's to the day you got down on one knee and asked me to take on forever with you.
Here's to me feeling that was always our path, ring be damned.
Here's to us.

Here's to our friendship.
The one we have to remind ourselves of when we don't like each other that much.
Here's to our foundation and our love for movies and concerts and sports and board games and playing cards.
Here's to our love of close friends and times of laughter.
Here's to us.

Here's to my worry.
Here's to all that scares me.
Here's to the one I need to feel safe.
Here's to my crazy, the crazy you balance.
Here's to us.

Here's to you never giving up on me or us.
Here's to me never giving up on you or them.
Here's to you reminding me how important we are.
Here's to me reminding you that sometimes we need to be more.
Here's to me pushing the status quo.
Here's to you being content in the boring.
Here's to us.

Here's to half a decade of wrong and trouble.
Here's to the reminder of lessons learned and mistakes made.
Here's to the apologies and tears.
Here's to us.

Here's to your hugs, the ones that you want to melt everything away.
Here's to feeling safe together.
Here's to touching toes and snuggles on the coach.
Here's to your nook, the one that belongs to me.
Here's to holding hands with my boyfriend and husband.
Here's to us.

Here's to your socks that I love to wear even though it drives you nuts.
Here's to the sweaters I have shrunk and claimed as my own.
Here's to my boyfriend sweatshirts
and to all of the sports shirts I know own because I met you.
Here's to us.

Here's to all of my planning.
Here's to all of your doing.
Here's to my determination and grit and drive.
Here's to your calming me down, but being my handyman in all of this.
Here's to your amazing work, love, and attention poured into our home.
Here's to my eye, and yours.
Here's to our vision of forever home
forever us.

Here's to us.

17
Dec

I lost my hum

There is something that happens when you say yes to everything.
There is something that happens when you think, sure, I can do that too.
There is something that happens when you keep on going and forget to eat, or breathe or think.
You lose your hum.

There is something that happens when you don't delegate.
There is something that happens when you take control of it all.
There is something that happens when you keep plugging along.
There is something that happens when you keep adding to your plate.
You take other things away.
You make your priorities out of whack.
And in the end, you lose your hum.

I first heard someone describe the hum on a Ted Talk and as soon as she opened, I immediately cried.
Tears of anguish
tears of guilt
tear of understanding
tears of being understood
tears of heartbreak
tears of wanting a different life
tears of realizing how beautiful my life is if only I stopped to look.

But, there is something that happens when you don't stop to look
you lose your hum.

I have acknowledged the hum before but in five minutes, I couldn't exactly dig deep...
So, here is how the hum goes...
I introduce myself by the number of hours I work in a week.
I wear it like a badge of honor.
I define my life by it.
Because a mom that loves her work and loves to work has to justify it, to someone and everyone.
And I do love to work.
I love working
I love the joy, the accomplishment, the tasks, the wave, the ride, the emotions, the winning.
I love to work.
It makes sense to me, I love that there is a right and wrong answer.
I love that I can get better at it.
I love that math makes the world seem real and I understand it.
I love that I get to be good at something.
I love to work.
And so, I do it all of the time.
I do it in my sleep
I do it instead of other things
I do it instead of things that I am worried I am not good at
I do it instead of sitting in quiet
I do it all of the time.

And the harder I worked, the better I got, the higher up I was promoted, the more work I was responsible for
and the hum got louder
and the harder I worked
and the more I was promoted
and the more I was responsible for
and the hum got louder
and so on and so on and so on.
Until, there was nowhere else to go.
And I was doing so much of the work
and I am a hard worker so she can do that too
and I won't let it fail so I work harder
and I won't give up so I keep going
and the hum got louder.

And then one day, it was gone.
The hum, the drive, the determination.
I lost my hum.
Suddenly, none of it made sense.
None of it seemed right.
Suddenly I was filled with regrets and what ifs and I should haves and what did I do and resentment and anger.
Because the hum made me think and feel
the hum was my guide.

So, I doubled down and searched everywhere for the hum.
I hear it when I am working, so I will work harder.
I hear it when the work makes sense so let me stay right here until it all makes sense.
I hear it when everything comes into focus so let me stare at the problem, I can find a solution again.
I just need to work harder.
But the hum was gone.
And I went into mourning.
I mourned a loss.
Of my work
my time
what I sacrificed
what I allowed to be sacrificed
I mourned me.

And then, I rooted to rise.
I ground down to rise up
and I found a new definition.
I found a new badge to wear.
I found other things to be proud of
and I learned to find a hum in different places.

It is still my go to
and when things get stressful and work becomes overwhelming
I still put my head down and forget to come up for air.
It is only when my depleted and exhausted and angry body climbs out of bed in the dark that I realize
I am here again.
I am in the bad place and I have to set a different plan in motion.
I have to determine a time, a limit.
I have to set a schedule of I will allow this for this amount of time and then,
I find my hum someplace else.

I cannot do it all
I cannot say yes to all
I cannot be it all
but I can still love the work
and the life.
I can say yes to my kids
I can read to them
I can train with them
I can journal with them
I can play board games
I can comb their hair
I can have quiet snuggles
I can be present when I am with them
I can make this life I asked for lovely
I can find my hum.

This Ted Talk changed me...http://www.ted.com/talks/shonda_rhimes_my_year_of_saying_yes_to_everything

19
Nov

What chapter now?

A story.
Our story.
Our love story.
Our book of love.

Chapter 1...
There was an ease to us wasn't there?
From the moment we met, I would describe us as easy and happy.
You blew me away with joy. I couldn't help but be happy around you.
It's what drew me to you and what created our instant family.
You fit right into my family, the one I was born into and the one I created.
I trusted you, I trusted your heart and I realized we would always be in each other's lives.
We were family.

Chapter two wasn't getting married.
Getting married, for me, was an extension of chapter one.
I realized that other people needed the official title of husband and wife.
I think I realized how even you needed it
but for me, we had already been family for almost six years
so this was the continuation of us.
Easy and happy us.

Recently, I have been stuck on the ease and joy we once were.
Things are more complicated now, more difficult.
Because marriage and relationships never stay as is or was.
They are not linear, they are not sequential even though we try to make them so.
They live, they breathe, they grow and they develop, they change.
And that's not new information, but almost everyone forgets this about all relationships.
Friendships, partnerships, business relationships, everything that is alive changes.
Everything and everyone has a story and stories do not stay on one path, they do not have one direction.
As we are in the middle of chapter what?

Chapter 2...
Anna.
The birth of our first daughter.
The one we wished for, the one we dreamed about, the one you talked me into.
The one we wanted, the one we talked about how ready we were.
The relationship we went in with eyes wide open.
But our first year with Anna was an awakening for me.
It took the love we already had and maximized it.
I could not have loved you more than I did in that first year of parenting.
I felt so close to you
Anna was so easy
everything fit
I felt this sense of how I was made to do this
I saw how much you loved her and it made me fall harder for you
we weren't losing sleep so we didn't have that to contend with
she only cried when something was wrong
she was a wonder
we were in love with her
with each other
with life
parenting was what we were made to do.
And so, everything during that year was a mush of love.
Chapter two lasted three years of love love and more love.
We just got it, it all made sense.
It was an amazing chapter to write with you.

Chapter 3...
Anna turns three and Cole is born.
Age three was rough for me with both kids.
So many reasons
so many difficulties
so many triggers and so many memories that hurt me.
Three was hard for you too, just for different reasons.
We always felt that Anna was an old soul and therefore that somehow meant she then needed to act older than her actual age.
We were unfair to her.
And you were around kindergarteners and feeling like your daughter was in that mix.
So, when she was three, you started treating her like one of your kindergarten kids.
Her three-year-old self could not live up to that expectation.
Add to our stress a newborn, who was also such a good baby BUT
there was always something a little wrong with Cole that made us worry.
I went through 8 weeks of not being able to mother
not being able to love
move
feed
hold our children
all because of the surgery.
You were gone a lot and I felt abandoned
he wasn't thriving
he wasn't gaining enough
he wasn't hitting milestones
he was rushed to a hospital
he had high fevers
routine checks always had a hint of concern.
Everything eventually shook themselves out, but damn I was scared.
You kept trying to be reasonable and keep me and my crazy in check.
I felt like I was wasting time in pain and resentment and missing out on my kids, my last newborn.
And chapter three continues.
In this chapter, we forget how to laugh
in this chapter, I cry a lot
in this chapter, my childhood comes rushing back and I get sent into a panic
in this chapter, we forget that we are a team
in this chapter, we keep track a lot
in this chapter, I forget that team and partnership never ever means 50/50
it only means showing up for each other and we forgot how to show up for us.
Chapter three lingers.
When Cole turned one, he started to scream and cry and he didn't stop until he was four.
Those three years were brutal.
To make matters worse, we were both struggling professionally
we were both feeling so lonely without local friends and fun
we were both forgot how important it is to laugh, we lost joy.
But, this chapter also brought its own magic.
In chapter three, our family was completed.
It is the chapter that we meet a little boy that reminds me of you
a little boy that is loud and messy and heartbreakingly adorable and so amazing.
We got to witness a sister and brother become best friends.
We got to witness their love grow and my heart expanded for her, for him, for them.
We got to witness the joy and crazy in his heart too, the one you carry, the natural joy he got from you.
We got to witness him come out of those struggling years, out of his frustration and just be him.
In this chapter, we became a core four.
In this chapter, our babies became kids and physically needed us more and less.
This chapter brought on personalities that we needed to learn to manage and the end of this chapter is when I realized who we are isn't who we will always be.
And it was time for a change.
So we started a new chapter.

Chapter 4...
Our acknowledgment of crazy and tired and stress and sad and mistakes and angry and finding our way back.
To us
to fun
to funny
to joy
to ease
to enjoyment
to self-care
to family.
This is a slow chapter because we have to take our time and get it right.
Because we have muscle memory of too much and need to find the not so busy.
Because we have to remember how to talk and listen and not bite.
Because we have to remember that we matter.
This chapter is slow and deliberate.
This chapter is building on the memories they will remember.
This is the chapter that will shape their relationships.
This is the chapter that teaches, guides.
This is the chapter in which we remember we are more than just parents, we are people, separate and together.
This is the chapter in which we remember to hold hands, touch toes, lean on each other, use our words, cry together, and laugh.
This is the chapter of framily and laughter and fun again.

I don't know how many chapters our book of love has.
I don't know how many we get to write together.
I don't know how many more times we get to change, grow, mold.
So much is reliant on them and changes they go through and our reactions to those changes.
So much is reliant on things out of our control and our reactions to that.
Aging parents
higher bills
changing paths
taking risks
building a house and creating a home.

But marriage, family, and relationships are not linear.
They are forever changing.
We will keep changing the pages and adding and taking things away to write our own happy ending.
One that doesn't look like anyone else's.
All I know is I am still happy to have you as my co-author, I am in love with our tear shattering chapters as much as I adore the mushy ones.
I love that you are willing to keep writing with me, I love our story.
Our book of love.

8
Jul

Forever

When I first met you, there was a part of me that knew we were family.
When you asked me to walk beside you, hand in hand, for the rest of our lives, we made it official to everyone else.
But I always knew, way back then, we would forever be us.

Seventeen years later, everything looks different,
our bodies
our minds
our patience
our cares
our priorities
our home
our jobs
our health
our wrinkles
our skin
everything has changed.
Even our pledge to each other,
to our forever.

It doesn't look like puppy dog love anymore
it doesn't look young and fresh and sweet
it doesn't look like kids pretending to be grown
it's hardly even cute.
Our forever has changed
into real
and boring
and forgiving
and kindness
and turning towards
and heavy.

Because love changes and grows and molds
as people do
and you can either grow apart
or grow together.

One thing that has not changed is when things get hard, I am the first to question.
I question us
I question our decisions
I question our arguments
I question our commitment.
When things don't look and feel like us, I want to walk away.
But you have always realized that it is a result of me never wanting to live the life I had,
the one that I knew
that one that I walked out of
before I met forever.

And so, each and every time, you call me out.
You remind me that we don't ever give up
not on them
not on me
not on you
not on each other
not on us.
We do not get to give up,
because you remind me of forever.

So, we keep marching on.
We find our own adventure
we tackle the challenges
the trying and difficult times
and hand in hand, we find us again,
we find forever.

Because along the way, you remind me of love.
Actual, real, consistent and caring love.
Our love is more ordinary but you and I find the magic in boring.

Your I love yous come just the same...
you love through action.
You fix
you build
you have to make it all better.
And I finally understand your language.
Words, writing, presentations, none of that is how you speak.
Instead you research everything, for me, or us
you plan every vacation, so I can not plan a thing
you bring me a glass of wine
you fix me coffee
you get the kids up and ready
you tackle bed time
you hold my hand through the bad news
like the medical hell we went through
like aging parents
like losing our Mia.
You tell me you love me by saying yes to Pearl
and how fell in love, just by placing her in your arms
like the love you have for them
the amount you care about them
the expectations you have for them, because you see all they are going to become
your I love yous come just the same.

everything has changed.
everything looks different
even our forever.
But what will always stay is you are my forever.
Thanks for finding me.

23
Jun

Five Minute Friday - steady

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on steady.
Go.

I am not the steady one of the group.
I am not the rock.
That's your job.
You were my joy, my constant, my always and forever.
Still now, as the waves of life crash down on us and make us nauseous
you are steady.
You are the calm in our storm.
You are the one that keeps us steady.

The push and pull of life has me very unsteady these days.
The stress and worry has me shaking and unstable.
I am a tightly wound ball of nerves and balls are not steady, balls wobble, balls roll.
You are my steady.
You are my reminder that this too shall pass and more crazy will come.
You are my whisper of find us, we are here.
You are my fixer of all things, you are my steady.

And the attraction started because of your constant joy.
The natural joy that lived in you.
I didn't realize someone could feel that way, all of the time.
You were so thrilled to be.
Happy to be doing anything, as long as we were together.
Which is why dating me is still your favorite.
Which is why you look forward to just us two.

Kids knock you down.
Jobs, careers, business, they drag you through the mud.
Homes offer retreat and worry.
Life is full of the swinging back and forth
it is what makes life worth living.
And every person that gets lost in the whirl
every person that almost gets hurt from the spinning needs a steady rock.
A place to steady their thoughts.
A place to steady their mind.
A place to steady.
You, you are my steady.
You are my always and forever.

Stop.

18
Jun

Ode to

To the water, the one that wanted to swallow me whole.
The one that was so cold it felt like knives
the one that had me feeling like I could not move
the one that made me think I was standing still and not getting closer to the end
the one that thought it was going to win,
I beat you and I got to the end.

To the hill
the one that's right at the beginning of the bike route
the one that hurts
the one that I haven't been able to get up without walking
the one that is really long and doesn't seem to end
the one that on the way down frightens me because it is so steep
I got up.
I made it to the top
I kept going
and I beat you to the end.

To the man that ran most of the 5K with me
the one who was in Iron Man clothing
the one who was also at a loss for why that water course hit us hard
the one that said "I only did half an Iron Man, not the whole thing"...
I say "I only" too
"I ran a marathon but I only ran it in my neighborhood, not a real race"
"I do triathlons but I only seem to do worse and can't find my grove"
I only I only.
Why do we do that?
And so, with real intensity I turned to you and said, you should be amazed with yourself,
and I meant it sir.
We beat the course, all the way to the end.
We made it to the 2 mile marker and we said, we've got this
and we did.

To the woman I passed and told her great job, almost there
the one that quietly and sadly said, "I feel like I am in last"
you and your voice made me stop and turn around to say "you're not in last but even if you were, we're here to finish"
the one who smiled back and said "I've been in last before" and the one that made me laugh and say
"me too, someone has to be, why not us?"
We made it. I saw you finish too.
You made it to the end, you beat the course.

To my husband
the one who came up with this idea.
The one that asked me to do it
the one that helps me with my swimming
the one that is so concerned for me in the water
the one that shouts to me to make sure I am ok
the one that feels like he disappointed because the course got the best of us
we made it.
It didn't win, it's didn't get the best of us because it didn't beat us all because we made it.
We finished another triathlon.
We finished our third one in three years.
We swam and biked and ran.
We finished
even though we were tired
even though we were out of it
even though our bodies didn't want us to
even though we panicked in the water
even though the exhaustion asked us to stop
we made it to the end.

To my body
the one that tells me it can't but shows me it can
the one that thought it was going to drown
the one that was so exhausted after the swim it didn't know how it would bike
the one that got off the bike and legs hurt so much for the run
the one that wanted to give up, at every turn wanted to just stop.
You didn't.
You kept going
you beat the course
you made it to the end.

To my MS
the one that made me stop moving
the one that told me I needed a nap, now.
The one that made me curl up, shut down
the one that made me feel out of it for a few days
the one that made me scared
I am beating you too.
I am doing this all to prove to you that I still can and I always will.
I am fine, better than fine.
I am beating you all the way to the end.

To my mind
the only one that doubts me
you didn't disappoint.
You were always there second guessing me, us.
You were always reminding me, look someone else passed you
you were always aware of what leg was flying by you
I didn't let you win.
Because I am more stubborn than you.
And every time you tried to tell me I don't have enough grit for this,
I told you to f off and I kept going.
I beat your doubts
just like I beat the course.
And even though I did worse and my times were worse
I made it to the end.
I didn't give up
I kept going

and I owe it to all of you.

#StrongIsTheNewPretty
#TheCoupleThatRacesTogether

9
Jan

More!

You hit me hard.
You wanted me to crumble, and I did.
You wanted me to break and walk away from all that I knew,
and I almost did that too.

You started with so much sickness
so much scary and unknown
so much stress and worry
so much testing and anger
so much sadness and confusion.

See, 2016 was the year that I swore up and down I would stop wishing time away.
That was my resolution, I would stop wishing my life away.
Because for as long as I can remember me, I was always the person that would say, I just need to get through...fill in the blank.
And then one day I woke up and said enough, I have wished it all away and no more.
This is my life, I can either change it or live it and I am choosing both.
But 2016 was a tough one, all around.
And so, I say a very welcomed good-bye to you and I am dusting myself off and trying...
all over again.

Each year, I feel like my theme with resolutions circles around the word less...
less worry, less stress, less stuff.
So this year, I am going the opposite direction.
New year, new me. And this year, the word is more.
MORE!
More laughter
more fun
more me
more us
more them
more who I really am, not this angry person I have become
more time
more opportunities
more adventures
more trying
more new
more for my business
more of what I love
more love.

So, first things first.
I am going to start finding things funny again.
Really funny.
Us, I will find the humor in us and our situation and our kids.
God, I am going to laugh hard with my kids.
More laugh lines, not worry lines.
More silly.
So, I am going to lighten the hell up...way more!

I am going to kick my own ass, way more!
Yep, I am always afraid.
Yep, my first response is always "I can't do that".
Yep, I have to walk through my fear and I always do.
So, more me.
More time spent working to get out of my head.
More time spent on putting my own mask on first.
More time spent doing yoga
and running
and racing
and watching movies
and reading
and building my business
and building me.
More me.

More talking.
More spending time listening to your day.
More walking away from my work to show you that you matter.
More turning everything else off to be with you.
More hands free mom.
More curling up with you and just letting you go.
More time in the car together where you really open up.
More listening.
More of me with you.

More calm presence.
More loving words
more open arms
more smiles
more warmth
more letting you know I have your back
more being on your side
more snuggles
more laying with you at night
more caressing your face
more running my fingers through your hair.
More love towards those I love.

More smiling.
More finding other people as good.
More smiles with strangers.
More complimenting people just because it's true.
More giving of myself to those I don't even know in the most simple and humane way.

More happy.
More finding fun new things to do.
More snowshoeing.
More ice skating.
More playing hoops together.
More board games
more card games
more puzzles
more legos
more family adventure
more hikes
more trips.
More joy in our lives.

I am ready for the challenges that will come.
I am ready for a new puppy to show us that life always moves and goes on.
I am ready for this family, the one we created, the one we wanted, the one we have, the one we need to feel lucky to have.
I am ready for us, all of us.
I am ready to fall back in love.
I am ready to be comfortable.
I am ready to be full on me, us.
Just more of it.

9
Oct

Goodnight Mia

It ended like it started
face to face and nose to nose.
In a cold room, sterile and not homey.
But knowing, we were always going to be together.

Whenever I imagined saying goodbye to you,
I would swear up and down I would come home and just find you.
I had this overwhelming feeling you would not make me, make us, have to decide.
That you would go.
Because everything with you was so easy, you were so easy.

But that's not what happened.
We did have to decide, and you did make it as easy as you could.
You told us it was time,
you asked us to let go
you had the expert tell us to say goodbye now.
You made sure we didn't have any doubts, that your time with us had come to a close.
But I couldn't help but wonder why?
What were you trying to teach me, why did you want this left to us?
And then it really hit me that you think I wouldn't have been able to handle not saying goodbye.
That you knew I needed to hold you, I needed to be talking to you,
I needed closure and I needed this final goodbye.

It's been two days and I am heartbroken.
Everyone is telling me that time will slow down the pain and the tears,
that I will find a way out of what feels like crushing sadness right now.
I know they are right, I know time always heals,
but peanut, I miss you and I know I will always and forever miss you.

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I keep looking for you peanut.
I keep reaching down expecting you to come up to me and pet you.
I keep seeing glimpses of you in the door to let you in.
I keep doing our routine and thinking I need to bring you downstairs.
And if only for a second, I walk into the house expecting to see you right there.
And then it all hits me, how gone you are.
I keep looking at your food bowls and not knowing how to put them away.
I keep expecting to hear your paws and see your face.
I keep looking for you.
And everything feels so strange right now,
quiet but deafening
sad and crushing
and the only thing that will make any of it ok, is to hug you, and have your little face pressed against mine.

And he sweetie, well, he struggled with this Mia.
He was less ready than I was.
He stood there and asked me to bring you home,
he kept thinking if we just got you feeling better, this would all go away.
Because he is a fixer, and he just wanted to fix this for you.
The idea of not being able to, was crushing.
He really struggled because he always loved you and he knew you brought him to us.
You brought him to us, you knew he was what we needed, you two were just as connected, as loving.
And the last few years, he was your legs, your back, you were his shadow.
And like he said to me that awful night, I just wanted to give her every single second she deserved.

Anna would catch you and I snuggled and she would say
Mia really loves you mom.
And as smart as that little mind is, she will never understand how right she was.
Because I will never feel that level of love again,
there was something so amazing with what we had
there was just something incredible about what you being present did.
What you symbolized for me, how much was wrapped up in your tiny face.

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I can't even imagine going through the list of things I will miss peanut,
there are too many to list
and so I will leave it as I will miss every last thing about you.
You raised me sweetie.
You were my reason.

There is so much emptiness right now
and crushing sadness.
There are so many tears and so much pain
so much racing through my mind
so much I keep feeling.
I know it is time that I need
I know you knew how much and what you meant
I know you felt our love
I know you knew how important you were and still are
I know you loved us
I know you knew we knew how much.

We have no regrets.
We loved you as much as we could
as hard as we possibly could.
You were amazing, you were so flexible and easy.
You were so patient with the kids and the house and the renovations and with us.
You were the best start to us and you watched us grow up.
You were there for our first date staying up until 4am
you were there for every "argument" as we grew and loved
you were there when he asked
you were there when we became Housers
you were there for every move
you were there for the house
you were there when a little blue line changed everything
you were there the day we brought them both home
you were a puppy to them too, even though you had to try a little harder.
And so we knew we now had to be there for you,
it was our turn to take care of you
and tell you that you lived the longest life, because you knew how much and for how long I needed you.
And to thank you.
Thank you for making sure I was in bed before you snuggled in
thank you for all the snow shoe adventures
for the nights of thunder storms that had you in our bed in a heartbeat
for the games of hide and go seek with dad
for the chases around the yard
for the chases on the beach
thank you for being my running buddy
and all of the walks
and kisses
and warm puppy love.

It ended just like it started
face to face and nose to nose.
And as I pulled myself away from you I whispered in your ear
the thing I loved most about you is everything.
Goodnight peanut, you did really good.
.

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24
Jul

My wish for you

Is that you realize how hard we tried.
How easy it was to love you
how difficult it was to love all of the time.
Because on this journey of parenthood, we once took the wrong turn.
We spent a few year just trying to survive
and we lost so much good time.
Years lost in cries and screams and tantrums and control.
And when I look back, realizing we are on the other side,
I wish I would have enjoyed it so much more.
But, we tried and we learned and we regrouped and we got us back.
My wish is that you realize how hard we tried.

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My wish for you
is that you realize that we created a lot of ordinary
that became extraordinary.
Moments of nothingness.
Actual nothingness
that was plain
that was us just being us.
We were the definition of boring comfortable us.
Always family,
always together.

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My wish for you
is that you realize that I really see you.
I know every mark on your little body,
I really look at you,
hard, deep and for long moments.
I freeze your face in time.
Sitting there, hanging over all of us,
I see you.
I see your baby wisps of hair, your curls, your eyes, your beauty marks.
I see the baby I once held and the child that is between letting go and wanting to hold on.
I see you, you are right in front of me and I really see you.

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My wish for you
is that you realize that I really hear you too.
You have a voice, you have a chance, you are a part of this family and you have a voice.
I want you to use it
I want you to speak out when you are upset,
when you feel you are not getting a fair deal
when you feel like you are not being heard.
Because I will always listen.
I really hear you.
Your sweet voice that is a mixture of crazy good vocabulary and baby.
Little baby, little man, little woman baby.
I really hear you.
Your laugh, the one from your gut, really laughing because it's funny laugh.
The one that takes your breath away and no sound comes out.
The one that makes you cry and you have no idea why.
Yeah, that one, I really hear that laugh.
Your cries,
I know the real from the fake.
I know the hurt from the feelings are hurt.
I know when a hug can fix the broken,
because I really hear you.

Houser68

My wish for you is that you understand.
Us, family, creation.
How yes, we put you here, but you created us too.
You started something that cannot be stopped.
I will forever and ever be a mom.
Forever, no matter your age.
I want you to understand the significance of that.
And I want you to understand love and kindness.
How they are always the answer.
Especially when you have nothing left to give.
I want you to understand hand holding and feet touching and couch snuggles and why pancakes are important and traditions and us.
I want you to understand this family of ours and accept our good, our mistakes, our apologies, our ability to always keep going.
My wish for you is this.

Houser22

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