29
May

Four!!

The night before you were born, I got ready.
I packed a bag, I brushed Mia, I took a picture with you in my belly, I nested.
But, how could I ever really be ready for you?
Because you were the one and only boy I ever fell in love with at first sight.
You were the baby nurses fought over.
To change, to clean, to snuggle, everyone wanted to be around you.
Because you were always this amazing snuggle love.
And when we catch you finally sitting still, you still are.
You still find your way in to fit just right.
How could I ever be ready for you?

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From the moment you were born you were and are always all in.
The way you play, eat, cry, love, hug, smooch, you are always and forever all in.
And you were born with some minor struggles.
Nothing ever too serious, but always struggling a bit.
And that lead to your fight - you are always fighting for what you want (you get that from me).
How could I ever be ready for you?

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You were born feeling safe and wanted in this family.
You were born, already loving her, already wanting to always be her partner in crime.
Her side kick, but not her shadow.
Because you were always your own person.
You were and are not going to live in anyone's shadow.
From the moment you started, you let me know that this was your life.
Not a life to be relived but your own brand new life and you were living it your way.
How could I ever be ready for you?

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But you do love her.
You do want to be her brother, you want to play with her and make her happy.
You want to be her best friend, you want to share with her and have her share back.
You want to be a part of her life and she will forever and always know your whole story.
She will forever and always be the one that knows you best.
She is the one that protects you.
You are her love at first sight too buddy.
You gave her an important title of sister, and you expect her to live up to it.

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And we have learned so much from you little man.
About patience and energy.
About walking towards and away from love.
About you and me.
About the art of parenting and childhood.
About how you define childhood.
About saying yes and limiting our nos.
About how important family hugs are.
How could I ever be ready for you?

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And then there is this.
It is so clear that I can't compete with this.
I cannot compete with your dad, your best buddy, and how much you love love love him.
I don't even want to compete with him because your bond is amazing, so strong.
He is your hero, truly your moon and stars.
God, you look to him, reach for him, need him for comfort and acceptance.
Talk about a side kick, you would spend every moment of every single day by your dad's side.
Being his best buddy, his little man.

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And our bond is pretty special too monkey.
You have allowed me to really learn how to be most comfortable in motherhood by growing through the discomfort.
You ask for me to snuggle with you
you ask for me to hold you
you ask for me to play with you.
You still ask for me to hug you,
I still ask for little guy kisses,
you still ask for me to sing you "Sunshine",
we still have a glorious part of us.
How could I ever be ready for you?

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And so, at four, continue to be all you.
All in you.
All about fun and loud and climbing and go go go and screaming you.
Continue to put your foot down.
Continue to demand respect and to be heard.
Continue to demand us to stop and be with you.
I know I cannot slow you down, you throw me forward.
So in all of the chaos, the crazy and the joy...
you be you.
Because I tricked myself into believing I was ready.
I cleaned, we got a room ready, I read back up on all to expect,
but you, you had different plans.
You wanted to shake things up.
You wanted to test and grow
you wanted to be unpredictable.
You wanted to teach,
and lead.
And so, how could I ever really be ready?
For all of this love, all of this crazy?
How could I be ready for your love of life?
Your adventure
your energy.
How could I be ready to say good-bye to all of my firsts with you?
How could I be ready to put away baby and grow with you?
How could I be ready to have my heart this full?
I simply can't.

Happy fourth birthday little monkey man!
God, you have brought us so much sunshine and so many tornadoes and I thank you for every part of it.
I continue to
eat you up I love you so
mommy's sweet and low.

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