14
Dec

Goodbye

I knew when we were pregnant with Cole, that he would be our last.
That after Anna, girl or boy, it would be just one more for us.
I knew that every milestone with him would be our last first.
I did take it all in, I did cherish the newborn, I did relish in those first few days/weeks/months.
I loved that first year.
And just this week, I read "If I Could Keep You Little" to my little man and it hit me, it is time to say goodbye.

The truth is, I don't know if I will ever get over it.
I don't know if I will ever feel "done" (like many other families do).
But, we have two healthy, happy kids.
And I don't actually want more kids.
I just want to go back in time and have these incredible few years with my kids.
I want some sort of time machine do over with the littleness I brought into this world.
And so today, I will write my goodbye
to babies
and little
and little noises
and onesies
and baby fingers and toes
and little cries
and snuggles with heads that can't hold themselves up.
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It's time to say goodbye to what was and hello to the great stages we have ahead of us.
It's very much time for me to love the stages I am in and not want for the stages that are gone.
And so...

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goodbye pregnant belly
goodbye first movements that felt like butterflies
goodbye naps and sleeping so soundly when I was pregnant
goodbye dreaming of you and what you will look like, who you will look most like, who's personality you will take on.
goodbye to hospital stays and feeling like it was such a great vacation
goodbye to constant doctor visits to check your weight
goodbye 4am feedings
goodbye bottles to clean and get ready
goodbye little ears that I would massage to stay awake
goodbye little face that I would stare at forever, taking you all in
goodbye to figuring out your cries and what you need
goodbye baby clothes
goodbye to mouths that would look like a fish when you were hungry
goodbye to pouts
goodbye to so much little and being overwhelmed by little
goodbye to having you sleep on my chest
goodbye gassy bellies
goodbye little fingers and toes
goodbye watching your hair grow in and seeing what it would be like
goodbye to watching dad hold you and seem like a giant
goodbye to watching him love a baby that would fit in his hand
goodbye to watching dad fall in love, all over again.
Goodbye baby.
Because if I could keep you little...
I would hold your hands forever but never see you fly on your own
I would listen to your little little voice but never hear the adult thoughts I will fall in love with
I would watch you sleep more but never see the excitement of having your own place
I would relish in baby baths but never get to watch you give one to your newborn
I would solve every problem you had but never get to see how your mind works
I would hug you, so hard for so long and never let go but never watch you fall in love
My little faces, I love and cherish the stages you are in.
I am proud and surprised by how much you can do.
I am amazed by your words, your thoughts, your ability.
I am so proud.
And if you see me sad, blue even,
don't for a moment think it is taking the place of my pride.
I just need a minute to gather myself, and remember that we can never live in the past.
We can love the memories but we have to move forward.
You have both given me memories in the last five years that will keep me warm...always.
I do not need a do over to go back and love you differently.
I want a do over to love you in that time, all over again.
Because if I could do it all over again, I would do it just this way.
Just this way.
I lingered in that first year and I would linger again.
I took it all in and I I would take it in again.
And then, I would watch you grow.
Because I can't keep you little sweet loves.
So I will say goodbye to every age and find the strength to come to terms with the fact that we will never see that phase again.
And I will always love.
Even when it means saying goodbye.

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Comments

  1. […] I could, I would keep you little. I would keep you with me, all snuggled, all a pile of mushy family. If I could, I would keep you […]

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