9
Oct

Goodnight Mia

It ended like it started
face to face and nose to nose.
In a cold room, sterile and not homey.
But knowing, we were always going to be together.

Whenever I imagined saying goodbye to you,
I would swear up and down I would come home and just find you.
I had this overwhelming feeling you would not make me, make us, have to decide.
That you would go.
Because everything with you was so easy, you were so easy.

But that's not what happened.
We did have to decide, and you did make it as easy as you could.
You told us it was time,
you asked us to let go
you had the expert tell us to say goodbye now.
You made sure we didn't have any doubts, that your time with us had come to a close.
But I couldn't help but wonder why?
What were you trying to teach me, why did you want this left to us?
And then it really hit me that you think I wouldn't have been able to handle not saying goodbye.
That you knew I needed to hold you, I needed to be talking to you,
I needed closure and I needed this final goodbye.

It's been two days and I am heartbroken.
Everyone is telling me that time will slow down the pain and the tears,
that I will find a way out of what feels like crushing sadness right now.
I know they are right, I know time always heals,
but peanut, I miss you and I know I will always and forever miss you.

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I keep looking for you peanut.
I keep reaching down expecting you to come up to me and pet you.
I keep seeing glimpses of you in the door to let you in.
I keep doing our routine and thinking I need to bring you downstairs.
And if only for a second, I walk into the house expecting to see you right there.
And then it all hits me, how gone you are.
I keep looking at your food bowls and not knowing how to put them away.
I keep expecting to hear your paws and see your face.
I keep looking for you.
And everything feels so strange right now,
quiet but deafening
sad and crushing
and the only thing that will make any of it ok, is to hug you, and have your little face pressed against mine.

And he sweetie, well, he struggled with this Mia.
He was less ready than I was.
He stood there and asked me to bring you home,
he kept thinking if we just got you feeling better, this would all go away.
Because he is a fixer, and he just wanted to fix this for you.
The idea of not being able to, was crushing.
He really struggled because he always loved you and he knew you brought him to us.
You brought him to us, you knew he was what we needed, you two were just as connected, as loving.
And the last few years, he was your legs, your back, you were his shadow.
And like he said to me that awful night, I just wanted to give her every single second she deserved.

Anna would catch you and I snuggled and she would say
Mia really loves you mom.
And as smart as that little mind is, she will never understand how right she was.
Because I will never feel that level of love again,
there was something so amazing with what we had
there was just something incredible about what you being present did.
What you symbolized for me, how much was wrapped up in your tiny face.

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I can't even imagine going through the list of things I will miss peanut,
there are too many to list
and so I will leave it as I will miss every last thing about you.
You raised me sweetie.
You were my reason.

There is so much emptiness right now
and crushing sadness.
There are so many tears and so much pain
so much racing through my mind
so much I keep feeling.
I know it is time that I need
I know you knew how much and what you meant
I know you felt our love
I know you knew how important you were and still are
I know you loved us
I know you knew we knew how much.

We have no regrets.
We loved you as much as we could
as hard as we possibly could.
You were amazing, you were so flexible and easy.
You were so patient with the kids and the house and the renovations and with us.
You were the best start to us and you watched us grow up.
You were there for our first date staying up until 4am
you were there for every "argument" as we grew and loved
you were there when he asked
you were there when we became Housers
you were there for every move
you were there for the house
you were there when a little blue line changed everything
you were there the day we brought them both home
you were a puppy to them too, even though you had to try a little harder.
And so we knew we now had to be there for you,
it was our turn to take care of you
and tell you that you lived the longest life, because you knew how much and for how long I needed you.
And to thank you.
Thank you for making sure I was in bed before you snuggled in
thank you for all the snow shoe adventures
for the nights of thunder storms that had you in our bed in a heartbeat
for the games of hide and go seek with dad
for the chases around the yard
for the chases on the beach
thank you for being my running buddy
and all of the walks
and kisses
and warm puppy love.

It ended just like it started
face to face and nose to nose.
And as I pulled myself away from you I whispered in your ear
the thing I loved most about you is everything.
Goodnight peanut, you did really good.
.

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Comments

  1. […] get there, I always think, why are we not doing this more? And a couple of weeks ago, when we said goodnight to Mia, we headed out. And the kids ran, and played and found a play ground. They ran too far ahead of us […]

  2. […] sweet love, it's mom. It's hard to believe but it's been over 6 months since we said goodnight to you. And it's been sad, and it's been blue and it's been […]

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