14
Apr

Grey Street

She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”

It's one of my favorite songs.
It fills me of my past and reminds me of days and weeks like this one.
Days that I can't get out of my own head.
On the days I wish I were different.
I wish there was someway I could make it different.
Because, for me,
I feel most overwhelmed, most hit and empty and grey when I feel meek.
When I wish I embodied strength, grace and confidence.
And when I feel the grey washing over me.

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street

Because, some days, I still live on Grey Street.
With my quiet memories.
And not speaking what I think.

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

And of course it breaks my heart.
They look to me for strength and grace.
They look to me for answers.
They all think I know what I am doing.
But, I am floating along, just trying to make it all work.
And sometimes, the emptiness and void I feel about myself are loud and crushing.
Sometimes, I am surrounded by reminders of failure.
A time I should have spoken up.
A time I should have stood up for myself, my worth.
Instead, I become me.
Quiet, tell me what I can do for you, empty and void of the confidence I see all around me.

There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage

Sometimes, I don't recognize me.
My passion, my want for change, my drive to help others
My determination, my happiness, my laugh
My want to push, my desire for community, my love of happy
Sometimes, I don't recognize me.

Because sometimes,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world.

She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey

Would I change everything about me?
Would I change my whole world or would I change how I react to it?
To others?
Would I allow others to take from me?
Would I allow her to feel this way?
Would I allow others to do this to her?
How will I make it different for her?

Is this why I am where I am?
Because I only say yes?
Because I don't speak up.
Because I hide in my own shadows.
Because I become that little girl, all over again.

And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey

I wouldn't change it all.
I wouldn't take any of you away.
But, me.
I would show you what strength looks like.
I would show you strong.

There are so many things you have already given me.
So many things you have taught me.
Beauty.
A happy childhood.
Patience.
What running towards and away from love looks like.
Poise.
Love.
I will give you strength, I will give you all of me.
And, at the end of this journey, I will see what beautiful strength looks like.
In you.

Comments

  1. Shelly says:

    Amazing I feel the same...bless u

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