8
Feb

I am always afraid

They act up in front of others and I am afraid that they are going to be disrespectful for the rest of their lives.
They are hateful to each other and I am afraid that they will be hateful, always and forever.
They are mean, to me, to their dad, to each other...and I am afraid I am raising mean kids.
They are loud and I am afraid that others can't stand to be around them.
They are on my last nerve and I am afraid that I am the only mom that yells, all of the time, to her kids.
I am afraid that they sound just like me when they yell back.
I live in fear that I am at work and school or daycare will call with someone being sick.
I live in fear that the sitter will tell me that they misbehaved.
I live in fear that they are spoiled, have too many things, don't appreciate anything and will never go without.
I am afraid that every time we do something special for them, they don't show appreciation, they need to be reminded to thank, and not to ask for more.
I live in fear that we will somehow mess this up and lose this life.
Somehow, we will drop a ball and it will all come crashing down.
I am afraid that they watch too much TV.
I am afraid they don't move enough.
I am afraid they will not grow up to be independent.
I am afraid they don't understand consequences.
I'm afraid they will never grow up, I am afraid that they will.
I am afraid that I am not enough, I am afraid that I am too much.
I am afraid that they don't understand, I am afraid of all that they already understand.
I am afraid that we will run out of money.
I am afraid that she will someday hate her body, her hair, her personality.
I am afraid that he will not be strong and sensitive.
I am afraid that she thinks too much.
I am afraid he is too reckless.
I am afraid that I am not enjoying the days enough.
I am afraid I am going to see it all go by too fast.
I am afraid of my anxiety.
I am afraid of his frustrations.
I am afraid of her five year old stubbornness.
I am afraid of his two year old tantrums.
I am afraid it is too hard.
I am afraid that I don't love enough.
I am afraid that they don't love enough.
I am afraid we don't talk enough about how love fixes it all.
I am afraid that one day I will not be by their side.
I am afraid of saying goodbye.
I am afraid of all the noise, all the time, and I am afraid of the quiet this house will become.
I am afraid.
I am afraid all of the time.
I have no idea what I am doing and I am making most of it up, most of the time.
And, I am not afraid to admit that.

Comments

  1. Jamie says:

    You are not alone Sabrina. I feel this way too. I think many, if not all Moms, do. We need to be kinder to ourselves and tell ourselves that we are enough And that they will be fine. Easier said than done, I know. But, we are our own biggest critics. I truly believe that.

    1. childhood says:

      We really are. We feel like every decision we make is make it or break it for them and that is just not true. They are so forgiving, of themselves, of us. It's unbelievable all they bounce back from. I just want moms to know that we are all in this together. None of us knows what we're doing, but that's okay. We have each other to cry to, turn to. As long as we are not judging or turning our backs on each other. That's the most important thing.

  2. […] I am always afraid... Of being a mom a CEO running an agency a bride of not being enough for my family or my community or my team or my little faces. […]

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