25
Nov

I am calling for self realization

Alone and quite now.
Warm coffee in hand, house decorated and glowing.
Soft but cold November rain.

I am calling for self realization becasue it's almost done now, my year of different.
The year everything had to change, but I still needed to be me.
It has been one of my favorite years, one of my favorite words, one I will have a hard time letting go.
Even though I took a three-month turn for the worse
even though a stumbled so hard I thought I was falling, unable to get up
even though I spent three months trying to climb out of what felt like a pit of crazy
even though I came as close as possible to losing it all
and when I woke up again, I realized what I now need to do.
Who I was, how I love, who I am, what matters to me.
I realized again what I have always known, that all of us are so different.
That in order for me to work, I need my balance, I need external balance.
Me, alone, I am too much.
Me, alone, I provide zero balance.
I welcome my balance from the outside.
I invite my opposites in, I find them all around me, and I welcome them with the most open arms.
But that does not make me less than.
That does not make me unhappy, that does not make me joyless.
It makes me me and there is never anything wrong with being me or you or you or you.
As long as I continue to challenge myself, as long as I continue to grow, as long as I use my core to guide me, I am all in on being all the way me.
And I honor you being all the way you.
I don't only accept it, I honor it and I need it in my life.

I realized a long time ago I am gritty as hell.
I am determined.
I am motivated.
I aspire.
I am hard.
And I am vulnerable.
I love with all I have because I know no other way, I am in all in girl.

And all of that is good, but too much of that is too much.
Which is why at every turn, I am drawn, attracted, connected to my balance.

In my year of different, I realized what I now need to do.
I spent so much time in a state of quandary and I now feel relief.
I am able to exhale again realizing that this girl was not losing her mind.
There was something so wrong and once it was pointed out, I felt immediate release of the unknown.
I have my plan, I am ready for my next chapter.
Because if I need anything, it's a plan.
And like always, once I put it out there, the universe saw I was ready and the floodgates are starting to open.

From the outside, it certainly does not look like I believe in myself.
I certainly do not look confident or ready for anything.
And most of the time, I am not.
Fear is my fire
but my balance does believe in me.
My balance is confident, relies on me, knows I will break through.

I am calling for self-realization, fulfillment of one's own potential.
I am calling for being so patient.
Guide me back to the ocean of laughter, guide me over in time.

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