31
Jan

Just me

Before I owned a home, I had a small one bedroom apartment.
And although we were family and he was there with me, through every part,
there were days I would come home to just me.
He wouldn't be there yet.
Mia and I would be together.
Go for a walk
watch TV
read
work out.
And the place was small.
not enough room to entertain,
but we did.
Not enough room to have dinner plans with friends,
but we did.
Not enough money to make it all work,
but we did.
It was just me and it was just mine.
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Before I found him, my days were empty, I just didn't realize it.
Because I always found busy.
And I always will find busy.
I will always find distraction.
I will always find have tos.
But it was nothing like this.
They were filled with my have tos, only my agenda, what I decided I would fit it.
It was just me and it was just mine.

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Before they all came along, my heart belonged to only me.
I wore it on the inside of my body, and I protected it with an army.
It took a lot to crack me, because I was reserved, I was guarded.
But I was also longing and lonely and wanting to find you.
I just didn't realize it
because I was angry
I was scared
I was determined to prove something
I was determined to succeed
I was determined to fight
I was determined to protect.
It was just me and it was just mine.

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Before it all got to be too big, too much,
it was just me and it was all just mine.

But too big and too much include
love
family
moments of heartache and actual break
moments of joy that spills and pours
moments of so very very loud
and moments of tender quiet and calm
the moments when we watch them sleep
and they whisper from their dreams.

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Too big and too much include
our house turned home
our love
our marriage
our commitment
our determination
our forever.
Too much and too big include
them
their emotions
their ups and downs
their development
their beauty
their ugly frustration
their eyes that are all you
their hair that is all me.

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Because when it was just me and it was all just mine
I had nice things
my home was neat and organized
everything had a place
I had a sense of calm and a sense of independence and pride,
after all, look at what I was able to accomplish.

But I was also lonely
and wanting all of this
and needing something I didn't realize I always wanted
and empty
and missing important pieces of me
and light because I was living in a world of gray.
And I didn't feel the weight of family.

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