18
Oct

Me

One day, I read a real post, written by a real person who told her real story and it inspired me to tell mine.

Because I am introverted,
I love the rain.
And cold rainy days.
And storms.

Because I have always felt like I needed to prove myself,
I spend an insane amount of time worrying about what other people think of me.
And even if I don't like who you are, what you think bothers me.
I am learning that I don't have time
for all of them
and all of the noise created.
But letting people go is never easy, even if they hurt me.

Because I feel like I have failed as a daughter,
I am consumed about not failing as a mother.
It's all I think about.
I make constant tweaks on my parenting to make sure I am raising them well
raising them kind
raising them with love.
I am petrified that I am breaking them.

Because I feel things more,
everything is more intense for me.
I feel feelings more
weather more
noises more
shows, movies, books, podcasts, they all stay with me
everything, everyone, leaves a mark.

I am self-conscious about all of me.
My smile.
My style.
My words.
My mind.
My writing.
My work.
My parenting.

Because I am better alone
I try to avoid big groups so that I won't feel invisible.
It's why I cling to you.
It's why I won't let you let go of my hand.
It's why I find my circle in the crowd.

Because through writing I can tell my story from behind a screen,
I want to write a book.
So badly.
But even as I write this post, I think
is there anyone that would find any of this interesting?

Because clutter somehow equates to noise for me
weird things quiet my mind.
Like a clean house
and clean faces
and clean clothes
and things put away
and no clutter
and no piles
and no dirty dishes
and no messy playroom
and no messy areas
and no more stuff.

Because I completely understand how crazy I am
and how difficult I am to live with,
I look at you in wonder.
It's the reason I can't believe you find any of it amusing.
It's the reason I can't believe you still wake up next to me.

Because I struggle with my worth,
I end every day thinking, was I enough today.
Enough of a mother
enough of a leader
enough of a guide
did I love enough
show it enough
was I good enough today for all of them?

And because I feel more intensely,
I cry. A lot.
When I'm happy.
When I'm sad.
When I'm scared.
When I'm angry.
When I'm stressed.
When I'm overwhelmed.
I am either quiet or crying,
I know, it's a lot.

Because our story started in the operating room
I have a scar.
And it tells a very long story.
Of us
and how we began.
And how I feel about me and us.
And how our journey started out exactly as life and parenthood start out,
not anything like you thought it would look like.
This scar means we survived
and we showed up to fight for us and we always will.

Because I am tired
so very very tired
I stop moving at 8pm.
I cannot be a mother
or a friend
or a wife
or a leader
anymore.
And my sweet person takes over for me.

Because I am a fighter,
I have to remind myself that not all things deserve a fight.
I can put my gloves down every once and a while and just allow myself to walk away from this one.
Not all things are worth my time.

Because I worry
I am never present.
I am either regretting the past
or concerned with the future.
But, because I love you
all of you
I will always fight to be present with you.
Because you are all worth the fight.

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