My first

You will always and forever be my first baby.
Every first of yours, was a first of mine.
Every milestone was one we crossed together.
Because on the day you were born, a mom was born.

And because of who I am, how moments wash over me, I remember the start of you and therefore the start of us.


And when I held you, when I hold you, the words you're my favorite little girl come pouring out of me.
You're my favorite daughter.
You woke me up, and burst me open.
You taught me about love that makes your heart jump.
You taught me how amazing this ride is, and you taught me how important it is.
You are still this being that wakes me up.
Your smile, your eyes.
Your soul, your love.
Your mind, your stubborn determination.
You were my first.


And all of the things we started together,
like breast feeding and changing and bathing and dressing and riding along side of and walking and talking and reading and homework and bus rides.
Like arguments and teaching you respect and consequences and gentle and kind and not being bossy but being a leader.
All of the firsts that we crossed off our lists,
all of the ones we got to, together.
You were my first.


And here is the special part,
even though you do not remember this time...
you are the only child I will have that had all of me, all of us, just to you.
You got our time and our patience.
You got our attention and our love
all just for you.
You were my first.


And your firsts are still my firsts.
You are leading the way in this.
You are taking me by the hand and showing me how to keep moving with you.
You lead our dance.
You were my first.

So the first time you have your heartbroken,
the first time someone calls for you,
the first time you have a fight with a friend,
the first time you are nervous about that school dance,
the first time you stop holding my hand, and reaching for me,
the first time you graduate and go to college and get married and start your family...
they will all be my firsts with you.
You lead our dance because you were my first.


And letting go of you has always been hard.
The day I dropped you off at daycare and walked out of your day.
The day I put you on a bus and walked away from you.
The day I let you go to a friends house and just drove away, far away from you.
Letting go has always been hard.
Because you were my first.

And there came a day we were ready.
We were ready to grow and we wanted your heart to feel as full as ours and we were ready to fall in love with two.
And so, we gave you your first,
the first time you got to hold your little brother,
the first time you told him he was your best friend.


But you, you were our first.
You lead our dance, because you were the first.


Five Minute Friday - first

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on first.

It's the first of the year.
It's time for fresh starts and new beginnings.
It's time to see what the year has in store for us,
more accurately, what we have in store for us.
Every January starts out fresh, but one or two weeks in, I start to feel the same old same old.
The wash and repeat of life.
The weight on my shoulders, on my mind.
How difficult day to day can be.
How added stress is just enough to send me tipping over.

This January isn't much different.
Work is starting off hectic and I already feel behind.
My balance is out of wack.
All I want is peace, but I can't seem to find it.
Find the right state of mind to tackle all I have to do and find more energy for additional stresses.
However, here is my first...
I am not letting January define my year.
I know it's just a month of worry and concern and chaos and stress.
But, you will not be the definition of my year,
you will not define all of me.
I will not wish you away, no matter the misery.
I will not wish this time away.
I will manage because I have to.
I will find a way to rest because I have to.
I will find a way to get it all done because I have to.
I will find a way to put my arms around you and apologize for all of my harsh behavior this week,
because I have to.
I will find a way to gentle, because I have to.
I will find your gentle, because I have to.
And, for the first time,
for my first time,
I will find me, my peace, my smile,
in the month of new beginnings.


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