11
Jan

Five Minute Friday - better

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write onĀ better.

Go.

It's my year of change, my year to embrace it, my year to wrap it around me. And unlike the me of yesterday, today's me cannot focus on better. I cannot focus on improvements, I cannot focus on getting better, getting more, I need to stay grounded in grateful and grace.

So many changes are coming my way, so many scary moments for me, so many things to let go, so many things I have been meaning to say goodbye to, so many things I have never wanted to say goodbye to but am being reminded the choice is not mine to make. And so, in this drastically changing year, I will focus on staying right here. My mind always races to the future, always lingers in the past, and although I have my plan, although I have a path to keep me okay, better is not in my plan. Better cannot be what I spend my time on, better cannot be a part of me this year.

Because this year will be a wonderful challenge. This year will be building the foundation of all I have planned, this year will be ever changing. And I cannot say that it will be better, I cannot say it will be glorious, but it is necessary. And although I am not making it all better, I still have growth in mind, I still have changes I need to make for me, for them, for us. Is it possible they will make us better? Yes, but that is not the goal, the focus, the end. I am okay, I am trying and I am doing the absolute best I can for right now. Better is the me of yesterday, the me I have to let go, the me that strives for too much. Today, I will be ignited by change and the new me I need to become.




29
Sep

Five Minute Friday - depend

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on depend.
Go.

You depending on me is part of the job.
It's in the definition of parenting.
I am your rock and your constant everything.
I am the one you trust, I hold all of you with me.
I carry all of you with me, everywhere I go.
I am the strong one you can count on, you can depend on me.

And although that is true,
I don't feel strong most of the time.
I don't feel like I confidently have a handle on this, on us.
I don't feel like anyone should have to depend on me because I don't have the answers, I don't have it together.
Each day I feel less and less able to be your constant everything because the new challenges have nothing to do with nap schedules and feeding times and everything to do with raising humans.

Raising humans, I am responsible for raising humans.
What in the world made me think I could do that well?
Looking back, it was my person.
Telling me that love always fixes the broken.
That we were love and therefore needed to put love out there.
And so we did.

And now, you depend on me because I did this with purpose and on purpose.
I created two people who I wanted and wished for.
And now, I am the constant in their world.
I am the one you depend on.

And truth be told, in every other aspect of my world, I am dependable.
I am responsible.
I am the one most people can rely on
turn to
come to
ask of.
So why is this so different?
And why is it so much harder?
Being the constant is my jam.

It's because there is so much more riding on this relationship.
There are so many difficult twists and turns.
There are so many challenges that I should know what to do as they are presented.
I am the dependable one.
I am the grownup and even more, I am mom.

Moms know things
moms always have the right way, the right response, the right comfort built in.
My friends tell me that even as adults, it is their mom they turn to for help and guidance and what do I do now?
That's me now,
I am the dependable one.

Even when I feel out of sorts, I am the dependable one.
Because all you really need, back then, now and tomorrow is me.
Just being there, for you.

Stop.

21
Apr

Five Minute Friday - sing

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on sing.
Go.

I hear you in the car, unable to control the sound of music pouring out of you.
I hear you in your room, the latest song coming out of your little face.
I hear you singing and I hear childhood.

You do not care what you sound like
it does not matter if the tune is held
there is no embarrassment, not at all shy,
you belt it out when you feel you need to.

Somewhere along the line, we lose that inhibition.
We turn inward and get more nervous about who can hear and what we sound like.
I have always been the worlds greatest singer in the car, on my own.
But having you as my side kick has meant I follow your lead when it comes to loving life.
And part of that is allowing the music to wash over you, take control and just plain sing.

No one cares,
no one is watching,
no one is keeping notes on if you are hitting the right notes,
so just sing.
Be the wonderful playful you and just let the music take over
and sing.

I hear you in the shower, in the tub.
He has followed your lead too and is starting to sing with all of his might.
He will always and forever be your shadow and this is one area I heart you both for.
You are showing him the love of life and the amazing of fun.
You are showing him how music can move and transform you to a better place.

It started when you were a baby.
On the day you were born, I whispered "you are my sunshine" in your ear.
And to this day, almost five years later, it's still our go to.
"Mom, sing sunshine to me".
It's the song that calms
it's the one you hear before bed
it's the one that helped with potty training
it's the one that distracts you from anything
it's the one I still whisper and sing to my little man.

So, when you ask to play some music in the car, I will always say yes.
When you start to sing and bop around, I will too.
You take the lead on this one and I will follow.
I will sing my heart out with you both.

Stop.

23
Sep

Five Minute Friday - five

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on five.
Go.

Five has always been my number.
My jersey, my go to, my number.
It was my dad's number too, when he was playing soccer,
when he was on the field feeling like a kid, and finally laughing.
Which is strange that this number keeps finding me too, even when I was small
because we didn't have that kind of connection
but maybe we did, and this was the universe's way of saying
fight as hard as you want, he is a part of you.

Because when I was five, I realized how different things were.
For me, for my family.
The reality of adulthood set in, at five.
And as I watched you turn five,
as I saw how little that is,
how small, how precious,
I am so protective of your childhood.
So fiercely protective of keeping your little here, for as long as you need.

I have always said that I was born 40, and although that's funny and kind of a joke,
it's also really sad,
really hard to come to grips with.
I 100% believe it's not just who raised me, a lot of it had to do with me, how I am,
how serious and daunting life was for me.
How hard I make things,
how difficult I make life.
Which is why, a year before you turn five, I watch over and protect this time.
Which is why I always say you gave me my second chance, at childhood, at developing, at health and peace.

Through your little,
I have recaptured something I never had.
Through your firsts,
I am seeing what this all feels like, what it all means, how to navigate.

Which is why, so many times I mess up.
So many times I put my head in my hands and say, "I have no idea what I am doing, I have no clue how to do any of this.
And if I get it wrong, the impact that has on you..."
Which is why this is a journey we take on together.
Which is why at night, I apologize for my mistakes.
Like the times I lost my patience
the times I expected too much out of you
the times I didn't come from a gentle place
the times I try to control too much
the times the screaming makes you crumble
I am so sorry.

Five, it's such a small number.
It's always found its way to me.
It has always held a special place with me,
it has always been my number.

Stop.

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