28
May

#ThisIsFive!

You came into this world ready to make your mark.
Ready to show every single person, you are not your sister.
You are different in every way.
And I adore every last difference.
Every single one.
Because the second kid fights to make themselves stand out, and I get that.

Sweets, from the day you were born, you fought for you.
You will never need a rescue, even though you want to be, you never need to be.
But your want, your desire for help, I think that's just about spending time together.
And you love to be with people,
you love love love to be with us.

Because you my sweet boy, and this is my favorite part of all of you, you love love.
You love it.
You love hugs
and smooches
and more hugs
and I love yous
and I love you mores
and touching
and hand holding
and hand kissing
and little guy smooches
and closeness
and snuggles.
You love love.
You have made me fall in love with love, all over again.
And your love of love is getting stronger and stronger as you grow and I will cherish and protect it always.

You are joy
even in the raw emotional tantrums
even in the cries and screams
you are joy.
You are a reason to be lighter
happier
your smile is a reason to smile.
You are laughter
and fun
and more laughter
and adventures.
You define joy.

You are childhood.
You, you are childhood.
With its excitement
and its newness
and its raw
and all of the feelings every single day
and every emotion felt from the top of your head down to your toes...
you are the childhood I always imagined.
And I will protect this too.

You are big.
Big emotions
big appetite
big feelings
big tears
big tantrums
big cries
big screams
big talking
You can't be contained in little because you are always ready for more big.

You are always and forever all in.
With food
with fun
with games
with sports
with laughter
with shouts
with tantrums
with happy
with hugs
with kisses
you never sit one out.
Your whole body is in, no matter what we do.
You do not hesitate, you are the definition of all in.

And now, you are five.
Five.
You are ready for kindergarten
you are ready for bikes without training wheels
you are ready for responsibilities
you are ready for teams
you are ready to be five.
Five.
You are five.

See, I didn't realize that love at first sight existed.
I didn't realize that childhood could be so carefree.
I didn't realize that our family needed another piece of its puzzle.
I didn't realize we were incomplete.
I didn't realize there could be this much joy in one little person.
I didn't realize such a little body could hold so much of everything.
I didn't realize you turning five would be this meaningful to me.

But here we are.
Because I didn't blink and you turned five.
I knew that my baby, the one I rocked, the one I got up with, the one I started an amazing journey with...
would be my last firsts.
And so, I took you in.

Like how I watch you sleep.
I know you know this but recently, I haven't been able to pull myself away from you.
I haven't been able to stop brushing your hair and touching your face.
I haven't been able to stop smooching the tip of your nose.
I take and continue to take you all in.
And lately, I haven't been able to get enough of you.
Because as ready as you are, I am always one step behind but that means I am also your back.
You although you never need a push, who couldn't use a backup?

Happy fifth birthday monkey man.
I eat you up I love you so...
mommy's sweet and low.

23
Sep

Five Minute Friday - five

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on five.
Go.

Five has always been my number.
My jersey, my go to, my number.
It was my dad's number too, when he was playing soccer,
when he was on the field feeling like a kid, and finally laughing.
Which is strange that this number keeps finding me too, even when I was small
because we didn't have that kind of connection
but maybe we did, and this was the universe's way of saying
fight as hard as you want, he is a part of you.

Because when I was five, I realized how different things were.
For me, for my family.
The reality of adulthood set in, at five.
And as I watched you turn five,
as I saw how little that is,
how small, how precious,
I am so protective of your childhood.
So fiercely protective of keeping your little here, for as long as you need.

I have always said that I was born 40, and although that's funny and kind of a joke,
it's also really sad,
really hard to come to grips with.
I 100% believe it's not just who raised me, a lot of it had to do with me, how I am,
how serious and daunting life was for me.
How hard I make things,
how difficult I make life.
Which is why, a year before you turn five, I watch over and protect this time.
Which is why I always say you gave me my second chance, at childhood, at developing, at health and peace.

Through your little,
I have recaptured something I never had.
Through your firsts,
I am seeing what this all feels like, what it all means, how to navigate.

Which is why, so many times I mess up.
So many times I put my head in my hands and say, "I have no idea what I am doing, I have no clue how to do any of this.
And if I get it wrong, the impact that has on you..."
Which is why this is a journey we take on together.
Which is why at night, I apologize for my mistakes.
Like the times I lost my patience
the times I expected too much out of you
the times I didn't come from a gentle place
the times I try to control too much
the times the screaming makes you crumble
I am so sorry.

Five, it's such a small number.
It's always found its way to me.
It has always held a special place with me,
it has always been my number.

Stop.

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