23
Sep

Five Minute Friday - five

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on five.
Go.

Five has always been my number.
My jersey, my go to, my number.
It was my dad's number too, when he was playing soccer,
when he was on the field feeling like a kid, and finally laughing.
Which is strange that this number keeps finding me too, even when I was small
because we didn't have that kind of connection
but maybe we did, and this was the universe's way of saying
fight as hard as you want, he is a part of you.

Because when I was five, I realized how different things were.
For me, for my family.
The reality of adulthood set in, at five.
And as I watched you turn five,
as I saw how little that is,
how small, how precious,
I am so protective of your childhood.
So fiercely protective of keeping your little here, for as long as you need.

I have always said that I was born 40, and although that's funny and kind of a joke,
it's also really sad,
really hard to come to grips with.
I 100% believe it's not just who raised me, a lot of it had to do with me, how I am,
how serious and daunting life was for me.
How hard I make things,
how difficult I make life.
Which is why, a year before you turn five, I watch over and protect this time.
Which is why I always say you gave me my second chance, at childhood, at developing, at health and peace.

Through your little,
I have recaptured something I never had.
Through your firsts,
I am seeing what this all feels like, what it all means, how to navigate.

Which is why, so many times I mess up.
So many times I put my head in my hands and say, "I have no idea what I am doing, I have no clue how to do any of this.
And if I get it wrong, the impact that has on you..."
Which is why this is a journey we take on together.
Which is why at night, I apologize for my mistakes.
Like the times I lost my patience
the times I expected too much out of you
the times I didn't come from a gentle place
the times I try to control too much
the times the screaming makes you crumble
I am so sorry.

Five, it's such a small number.
It's always found its way to me.
It has always held a special place with me,
it has always been my number.

Stop.

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