31
Dec

Yesterday's over

"So let's start another story tonight..."

It has been a wild ride these past few weeks turned into months.
Things have been a blur.
Luckily, the organizer in me got all of our holiday obligations out of the way in November
so December has kept me grounded and present with our family.
I adore having December be a time of calm and love
traditions that make me feel full instead of the hustle and bustle.
But work has been, wow, just wow.

Which has led to tears
and tantrums
and exhaustion
and stress
and tired
and lack of patience
and so much anger
and resentment
and lack of time
and loss of love
and blackness
and blue
and empty.

"Let's start another story tonight..."

One in which I find a gracious loving heart
which is the way a family should be living together.
Words should not be biting
patience should not be gone before we all come together.
Love should be at the forefront of our hearts.

I have set on a path to be different in 2018 because I have lost my hum and I need to find joy again.

"And it still feels like, like the very first time, saw the world like a kid
Yesterday is over, let's write another story tonight."

I write a lot about how our lives are stories.
Books that we get to write a new page each and every day.
So many of my pages have been mixed up, so many times I have felt I don't have control of my pen
but the truth is, I am the only one holding it.
I am writing this story and I determine my ending.
So as I sat in on so many doctor appointments this week fighting back tears when asked simple questions like
"how are you?"
"any pain?"
"how is work?"
"any new symptoms we need to talk about?"
and then statements like
"I think it's clear to you that you have to stop"
"eventually you will be sick"
"I don't think this is anything other than you are ruining your life"
"so in summary, you are too stressed, need to change things immediately and get yourself back on track"

2017 didn't bring about the more I was looking for.
I didn't fulfill my word, I wasn't locked in.
In order to have things be different, I need to make actual changes, things cannot be the same.
I cannot continue down this path.
It's time Sabrina, it's been time for a while now, but honestly, you have to make a change.

"And it still feels like, like the very first time, saw the world like a kid
Yesterday is over, let's write another story tonight."

I also write about my second chance at childhood
and getting to see the world like a kid
for the very first time.
I, and I alone am allowing that time to vanish.
I am letting it slip through my fingers.
I, and I alone am allowing myself to be tied to things that don't matter.

Because in the end, the only thing that matters is time.
How I decide to spend it
who I decide to spend it with
what I no longer allow to take up my time
obligations I still will have
ones I will let go.

"I saw the world from the hill,
let's write another story tonight
I saw the world like a kid,
let's write another story, write another story tonight"

15
Dec

Five Minute Friday - different

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on different.
Go.

I am looking forward to the new year
I think I always do
I see it as an opportunity
a chance to change
a chance to be different and act differently
a chance to make a difference.

And so, I started thinking and planning and really outlining how I want my life to look.
The changes I absolutely have to make
how I am on constant repeat
how I am responsible for most of the noise.
I started reading about how healthier, happier calmer people live.
What they hold on to, what they hold close, what they don't allow near them.

And so, I have started my list, my plans (which is very like me) and one of the things I am going to do differently is to use how I do things to my advantage, and no longer feel badly about them.
No longer feel less than but proud of my style and use it to work for me, not against me.

The first change, how I eat.
When I get stressed, tired, overwhelmed, one of the first things to go is eating.
I forget to eat, I run out of time, I get home and am starved because I have been depleted.
I am going to eat differently, create a healthy routine and eat more often.
I am going to work to find out what foods bring me energy, what foods bring me pleasure, what foods keep me going.

The second change, I am going to upgrade my tools and my life.
I always put me last and end up sacrificing so much time because I can just deal with it.
Everyone needs something when you are a parent and so things like your computer, your bags, your shoes, your suits, your stuff take a back seat.
I am going to go through my home and office and find the time crunches and I am going to upgrade my life.

Third, gratitude.
I am going to physically write down what I am thankful for.
I am going to focus on the good and joy of my day, the happy.
I am going to spend days/weeks/months not complaining.
I am going to help my family through this process and remind each of us, how lucky we are.

Fourth, the positive argument.
I am going to stop being resentful of "all I do" and I am going to make lists of things that others do for me too.
I am going to remember that my priorities, my desires do not match anyone around me, that does not mean they do less, they focus on different things.
Things that are not important to me, but are still needed.
Whenever I feel resentful, I am going to sit down and make the positive argument for those that I love.

Fifth, self-care.
I am going to focus on my quiet time.
Meditate
do yoga
find space
journal
write and pay attention to my blog.
Grab a cup of coffee alone
buy a shirt I want
buy a candle
make small changes to my own self-care.

Sixth, forgiveness.
Of myself.
Forgive my mistakes
do not stop breathing because I made them.
Do not feel them in my toes and make me shake.
Make an effort on focusing on the change I need to make next time and putting it to bed.
That means I have to face the mistake head to head
I have to really concentrate on my part, take responsibility and move on.

Seventh, connections.
I have close friends all over the place and I will make a concentrated effort to connect more.
With them
and my family
and my person.

Eighth learning more about me.
What is working
what needs changes
what about me can work to my advantage
what motivates me
what are my strengths/weaknesses
what can I use to move me forward?
How can I use that with all the people I encounter during my day
can I read them quickly too and figure out what makes them work and accept them for who they are?

Ninth pride.
I will write down and feel full of my accomplishments.
They are not random
they are not by chance.
I work hard, I will continue to find ways to work smart
but I sacrifice a lot to get to my goals and I will acknowledge them.
I am running two businesses
I am a mom of two
I own a house that we renovated and are turning into a home
I run long difficult races
I do triathlons
I run half marathons
I train alone
I volunteer
I take care of my community
I write a blog for my second chance at childhood
I document their childhood
I protect childhood, fiercely
I love my kids and connect with them
I set traditions that are their foundation
I show love
I should be proud of myself and stop the self-ridicule.

Tenth, a gracious and loving heart.
This one I stole from a friend that reminded me that all marriages should start and end on this note.
Your person puts up with your crazy and your lazy as much as you put up with theirs.
There is so much they are forgiving without an apology
so much they are letting go
so much they are trying to let roll off their back,
you have to have a graious heart sometimes and do the same.
You took them as is
you will grow together
the trick is growing in the same direction
growing with love
growing with a gracious loving heart.

Different, I am working on me this upcoming year and I am working to make things different for my life, my heart, and my soul.

27
Aug

He's the one

He's the one you call for.
He's the one that signs you up for all of your stuff.
He's the one that gets you ready every. single. morning.
He's also the one that tackles night time routines.
He's the one you love two claps.
He's the one you look like.
He's the one that worries most about you.

He's the one that asked me out.
He's the one that got down on one knee to ask me to join him in forever.
He's the one that puts up with my crazy.
He's the one that has embraced my family's crazy.
He's the one that worries the least about us.

He's the one that sets schedules for you.
He's the one you spend your summer with.
He's the one that plans our vacations.
He's the one that plans our days.
He's the one that loves adventure.
He's the one that needs big breaks.

He's the one that celebrates your milestones.
He's the one that is never sad anything is over.
He's the one that loves your first and your last everything.
He's the one that asked for you, he's the one that realized we were now a complete family.
He's the one that wanted this life, always and forever, you were always a part of him.

He's the one that had the hardest time letting Mia go.
He's the one that I got to watch fall in love with her.
He's the one that adores Pearl, and I got to watch them fall in love too.
He's the one that walks her, he's the one that is so patient.
He's the one that realized we needed to wait and heal.
He's the one that also realized I couldn't live without her.

He's the one that won't let any of us walk away angry.
He's always the first to apologize.
He's the fixer, he's always putting us back together.
He's the one that built our house.
He's the one I see in every corner of it.
He's the one that is always trying to make us happy.
He's the one that loves us, so much he can't see straight.
He's the one that laughs, his job is to be silly.
He's the one that has so much joy, naturally sitting in there, and we're the ones that need to remind him of that.

He's the one you get your eyes from
he's the one you get your childhood joy from
he's the one you want to make happy
he's the one you really adore.
He's the one we can count on.
He is the one I count on.
He's the one that knew we were it for him.

He's the one that is more simple.
He's the one that doesn't question much.
He's the one that hasn't met someone he doesn't like.
He's the one that sees the good in everyone.
He's the one that has a good heart.

He's the one that forgets a lot.
He's the one we love.
He's the one that needs constant reminders that all of this is crazy messy goofy love.
He's the one that needs constant reminders that this is childhood.
He's the one that needs constant reminders that this was his childhood.
He's the one that needs constant reminders that this was him, always him.
He's the one that needs to be reminded that he will never be loved and needed this much again.
He's the one that we love.
He's the one that we love.
He's the one that we love.
He's the one that won't ever let us give up.
He's the one that won't ever walk away.
He's the one that expects you to move mountains.
He's the one for us, he's the one for me, he's the one that put this family together.
He's the one that we love.
He's the one that we love.
He's the one guys.

17
Mar

Five Minute Friday - friend

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on friend.
Go.

There are people you meet that come and go.
There are others that stay, others that make an impression,
the ones that touch your heart.

There are people that come into your life at the wrong time,
the timing is off and you cannot get along.
There are others that heard your need for them and arrived.

There are people who create circles that they call framily.
They are a part of your village, your tribe.
The ones that you can tell all your crazy to,
the ones that accept your crazy
laugh with you at your crazy
call you out on your crazy
tell you to wear that as a badge of honor.
There are people who become framily.

I was always lucky in friendship.
I always found a tight close circle
the ones I can count on
the ones that could count of me
the ones I could have fun with
the ones I could laugh at everything with
the ones that would hold my hand when it all crumbled.
I always found framily.

And the ones that owned my heart, were never after anything but a true connection.
As I got older, and kids were exhausting and my framily started to move away, there was a period when I just found myself, alone.
Unable to find that circle again and laugh again.
Always guarded.
Until luck found me again, and our circle grew again, and love found its way in, again.

This is the one place in my life I have led by example,
this is the one thing I do right...framily.
So follow me little faces.
See who I surround myself with, who I keep at an arms length.
See why.
See how I treat those that become a part of us
see how they treat us.
See the smile on our faces when we see each other
see the joy when we are around each other.
And find that.
Find genuine
find comfort
find talking until you can't stop
find silence
find good
find laughter
find real
find true
find love
don't stop until you find framily.

12
Feb

What I would give

There are days, when I just have nothing left to give.
I have been with you all week, and now the weekend is here and I am in charge again.
I don't know what to do to make the noise stop.
The exhaustion of being your mom, it is crushing.
And then I remember how deafening the silence will be.
How I will long for the noise, how I will turn up the TV too loud, just to make it seem like the house if full.

IMG_7251

There are days, when you two can't get along.
You can't be in the same space.
Everything ends in a fight, screaming, yelling, running.
The entire family is off and we spend our moments screaming at each other because we are screaming at them.
And then I remember that she will leave first.
He will be here with just us and we will have to find a way to be without her.

IMG_7427

There are days when my "have tos" are never ending.
Work and mom and laundry and cleaning up and homework and activities and the house and work and more laundry.
The days when I am not sure when I will ever sit.
When it will ever end.
And then I remember that we built a house that they turned into a home.
We will one day feel the walls spread out, the space is empty.

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There are days the running won't stop.
You are all underfoot and I can't have a minute to breathe, or pee or be.
All I am is tugged on, and asked to do, and asked to look, and asked to help.
Days that I question every decision I make.
And then I remember that we are all afraid.
We are all living in fear,
we all question every decision.

There will come a day I will want it all back.
The good, the bad, the ugly.
The loud, the quiet, and the love.
The terrible, the fights, the hugs.
The tantrums, the screaming, the bedtime routines.
The running, the awful, the kindness.
And all I will think is, what would I give?

What would I give to go back and remember how many days you did get it right.
The days that you play together so well, so so well.
The days that you remember to be kind, to each other, to me, to yourself.
The days I remember to be kind to me and to you.
The days that you are all hugs, the days you and I smile.
The days that we have dance parties, and we laugh.
The days that the pizza is so good and so warm, and the movie is just right.
The days that we count down to pancake Sunday and that dinner is so much talking and excitement.
What would I give to hold you again, to remember how small you were and how well you fit.
What would I give to remember how small your hand was and how you loved to hold mine.
What would I give for you to come to me for advice, your venting space.
What would I give for just us four to be at the heart of our home.

10
Feb

Five Minute Friday - safe

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on safe.
Go.

I want you to always feel that this is your base
that we are your comfort
that this house turned home is your foundation and your rock
that here, inside these walls, surrounded by love is where you feel safe.

I too feel safe here
my most comfortable
my most cozy.

I want this to be a place you can always feel right at home,
right where you belong.
Because although we will challenge you
although we will ask you to rise to greatness
you can also come here to rest your head
and your tired eyes
and your bones that need healing.

You can come here to recharge and regroup before you head back out and do you.
Home is where you are safe,
where you are loved
where you have a team.

Home and safe should all be one word here.
Interchangeable even.
Because I built a life of love and safety
even during our times of stress and confusion and feeling lost.
Home was my compass
home is where I feel most safe.

Home was not always defined as safe for me,
which is why as an adult I need to make sure it now is.
I will not allow it to feel any other way
I will remove all hate and fear from these walls
I will allow only us, the real us, to live here.

Home will always be your safe haven.
Your refuge and your calm.
A place for us to reconnect and remind ourselves that we are in this together,
we are all on the same team.
You are safe here little faces, you are safe.

Stop.

4
Nov

Five Minute Friday - journey

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on journey.
Go.

I write about this word a lot don't I?
I feel that our story
this journey
and this one
our linked, connected, we are taking it together.
Even when we have to separate, we will be linked,
because we all started together.
Hand in hand
kissing noses
touching toes.

And although I realize there are four different journeys in there
it's so hard to pick each one out
because they are so woven
so layered
and almost dependent on the other.

I am at the brink of starting something brand new,
a brand new journey and rewriting my story.
I am at the bottom of this hill and although I can see the top, it is really far away.
And I am a little scared because what if I fall all the way back down?
Every time I look back, I get sad, and so bothered and irritated.
But even this journey, the one I have to do on my own, the one that should be very personal, isn't.
Because I feel that everything I do is for all of us
and advances us all forward.
Because that is family
that is how we all define family.
We won't leave a single person behind,
we will carry each other if someone is too tired.
We will all find the strength to push us through and keep walking, one foot in front of the other.
Even when all of us are out of line and out of step, we are still moving in the right direction
and willing us all forward.
Because we started on this road together and we will continue to move together, side by side and hand in hand.
Kissing noses and touching toes.

Stop.

7
Oct

Five Minute Friday - test

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on test.
Go.

It started when you were really young, testing me.
Figuring out what your limits were, what you could get away with.
It started at 18 months with how loud can I yell and scream, how much can I show how unhappy I am, will she bend, will she give in?
And as you get older, the tests get more difficult, and the stakes are much higher.
Because that baby toddler will not remember if I failed, or if I passed with flying colors.
But at four you are already showing a strong memory
and little Ms. Me, at seven you have an elephant memory and I see you filing this test away, in the back of your mind.
I see you labeling it,
and I see your grade of me in big red letters.

I view these tests as pass/fail
but I don't think that's fair to either of us.
One wrong does not mean that we failed
even if most of the answers are wrong, maybe it just means we have to go back and relearn the material.
Really get a handle on the information and relearn the meaning of those words.

Last night, we both had an evening that I would have given us a big fail.
You tested, I failed.
I expected you to know the answers, you failed.
And once we are in that spot, the spiral writes itself.
My anger leads to you digging in your feet.
My ignoring the behavior makes you so crazy that you don't know what to do with yourself.
And, like clockwork our stubborn ways go to battle, hard.
And in the end, we both feel like huge failures.

As always, we come home, and get away from the noise, you are immediately ready to try again,
and I continue to fail...
you and us.
Because my anger spills over and I can't stop looking at the black and white test with the big red F on the top
and you just want to remind me that we don't always have all the right answers at the right time.
And you both remind me, maybe we need to go back and review this material together,
give it another shot and try a different way?
Maybe we need a little longer on this lesson, but don't give up mom.
Because if you give up now, we can't move on to the next lesson, it won't make sense to any of us.
And you remind me that it isn't always pass/fail.
That in life, tests no longer work like that.
If we didn't get it right the first time, that's not a fail, it's a reminder that the way we are learning right now isn't working
and we need more time.

Will we continue to test each other?
Of course we will.
But it is time we put away the red pen
and use a highlighter to point out all we did well
and use an eraser on what we need to go back and work out together.

Stop.

2
Oct

Time

It's the one thing we all don't have enough of.
The one thing we all pay attention to.
The one thing we all lose track of.

As I look at you both, I always wonder, where did the time go?
What happened to the new mom?
When did I become so seasoned?
And since when does being more seasoned mean you know less?
You are more afraid,
you are more tired,
you feel more clueless,
you feel so lost?

Where did the time go?
Because I swear, it was yesterday I was taking pictures of my belly while you grew.
It was yesterday that I was so worried about labor and delivery.
It was yesterday that I had parenting figured out,
until I didn't.

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It was all just yesterday.
But I let time slip right by,
right through my fingers.
And my biggest heartache is that I didn't enjoy it all more.
I didn't fall hard for both of you, everyday.
My biggest regret is how I allowed the hard to take me down,
how I got lost in the fog.
My biggest fear, is that it's too late to start over.
And that I will lose you in a very damaging way.
And I won't be your rock, your home base.

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Because time won,
and time will always win.
It does not matter how not ready I am
or how crazy ready you are
time dictates all that is coming and when.

And I guess that's why I am also so mad at time,
for taking my babies away
for making me feel this old
for making me have to make all of these really big decisions
because time always wins.

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There is no way to stop it
there is no way to slow it down
but I, we, can slow down.
I, we, can enjoy more.
I, we, can linger.
I, we, can have days of all day movies and snuggles.
I, we, can put our to dos away and just be together
just be, period.

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To me, you will always and forever be babies,
even if time made you four and seven.
To me, you will always and forever be stuck with that little face we brought home.
To me, we will always and forever be just us four, even when time says we are expanding.
To me, I wish time could stand still, that we could hit pause and be like this forever.
But time will win again and we will move on and grow.
Time always wins.

30
Sep

Five Minute Friday - collect

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on collect.
Go.

Moments in time
memories
precious precious time with you.
I can collect it all, but I cannot bottle it, I cannot keep it, I cannot keep you.

Things
items
money
I can collect it all, but I cannot take it with me, in the end, it is all meaningless.

Hugs
smooches
kissing noses
holding hands
I can collect it all, and these are the moments that keep me warm.

Arguments
wins
times I know I could not be more right
I can collect it all, but what does any of it matter.

Time with you
time with all of you
giving all of me to you
I can collect it all, and even though I cannot bottle and keep you
this is what will make all the difference.
In our future
in yours
in your decisions
in each choice
you will think of us
and our time
and what it all meant to you.

I will collect and keep your story.
I will collect and keep your memories.
I will collect and keep your precious moments with us.
I will collect and keep what shaped you.
I will collect and keep what made you glorious you.

Stop.

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