4
Aug

Five Minute Friday - try take 2

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on try.
Go.

The last time I wrote about this word, I wrote all about our fire.
I wrote about how you need to keep going, keep trying, keep giving it your all.
This week, I want to tell you that what I love most about you Anna is that you are willing to try anything.
You always try.

Anything we throw your way, you give it your all.
You really put your best foot forward, you never say no to a new challenge or option.
Actually, it excites you.
And so when I hear you say "yes!" to something new, it warms me up because you always try.

As you get older, I don't know if this will stay with you.
I don't know when the world will grab hold of you and tell you that you aren't good enough for something.
I don't know when fear will stop you.
I don't know if those two things will ever happen
because right now, in front of me, is a girl that accepts challenges and new.
A girl that always tries.

I wasn't like that until I was much older.
When I was a kid, I always scared to try.
Until I got older and realized that I needed to try new things to open up new opportunities for me
and now? Now I try to prove to just me that I can.
Most times, I am trying too hard.
At proving myself
at my job
at my health
at my everything.
You? You try because you just always try.
There is no question, there is no fear, there is just you and your willingness
to try.

Stop.

14
Jul

Five Minute Friday - comfort

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on comfort.
Go.

I find comfort in the closeness.
In the love and projection of family.
I find it in the small and in the simple.
I find it in the whispers of love.
And I find it in you, the ones that gave me my second chance.
I find it in our traditions, big and small.
I find it when I can clearly see family time is important to you too.
And so, I created a life that celebrates our family and underlines the importance of us.
I created comfort.

I created second chances
I created little arms around my neck
I created little hands cradled in mine
I created time
I created comfort in us.

I created traditions
and I have so many of them.
Traditions are my parenting strength.
They are so important to me, but even better, they are so important to you.
You have no idea how much you fill my soul when you say "it's Friday...it's our family movie night!"
or as I am kissing you goodnight on a Saturday and you say, "tomorrow is pancake Sunday and we have a reading date!"
The smile and excitement that comes across your face.
The actual joy and comfort it brings you.
How much you look forward to all the small ways that we make you feel that this is important to us.
I created comfort in us.

And that's why I did this.
I wanted something that tied us together, even as you grow and want more and more independence.
I wanted something that made you feel that this time together is important to all of us, because we are important to all of us.
I wanted you to feel that this loved, in the smallest of ways, because you are loved from top to bottom.
I wanted something that reminded all of us how simple parenting is, how all they need is us, the rest is extra.
How little stress there is in this time, how loving it is to just be together.
How my worries melt.
How our childhood comes out.
How close we all get.
I wanted to define family for you,
in its purest form.
I created comfort in us.

I find comfort in the simple
in the love
in the gathering
in the close
in the second chances
in the quiet
in the cozy
I find comfort in us.

Stop.

8
Jul

Forever

When I first met you, there was a part of me that knew we were family.
When you asked me to walk beside you, hand in hand, for the rest of our lives, we made it official to everyone else.
But I always knew, way back then, we would forever be us.

Seventeen years later, everything looks different,
our bodies
our minds
our patience
our cares
our priorities
our home
our jobs
our health
our wrinkles
our skin
everything has changed.
Even our pledge to each other,
to our forever.

It doesn't look like puppy dog love anymore
it doesn't look young and fresh and sweet
it doesn't look like kids pretending to be grown
it's hardly even cute.
Our forever has changed
into real
and boring
and forgiving
and kindness
and turning towards
and heavy.

Because love changes and grows and molds
as people do
and you can either grow apart
or grow together.

One thing that has not changed is when things get hard, I am the first to question.
I question us
I question our decisions
I question our arguments
I question our commitment.
When things don't look and feel like us, I want to walk away.
But you have always realized that it is a result of me never wanting to live the life I had,
the one that I knew
that one that I walked out of
before I met forever.

And so, each and every time, you call me out.
You remind me that we don't ever give up
not on them
not on me
not on you
not on each other
not on us.
We do not get to give up,
because you remind me of forever.

So, we keep marching on.
We find our own adventure
we tackle the challenges
the trying and difficult times
and hand in hand, we find us again,
we find forever.

Because along the way, you remind me of love.
Actual, real, consistent and caring love.
Our love is more ordinary but you and I find the magic in boring.

Your I love yous come just the same...
you love through action.
You fix
you build
you have to make it all better.
And I finally understand your language.
Words, writing, presentations, none of that is how you speak.
Instead you research everything, for me, or us
you plan every vacation, so I can not plan a thing
you bring me a glass of wine
you fix me coffee
you get the kids up and ready
you tackle bed time
you hold my hand through the bad news
like the medical hell we went through
like aging parents
like losing our Mia.
You tell me you love me by saying yes to Pearl
and how fell in love, just by placing her in your arms
like the love you have for them
the amount you care about them
the expectations you have for them, because you see all they are going to become
your I love yous come just the same.

everything has changed.
everything looks different
even our forever.
But what will always stay is you are my forever.
Thanks for finding me.

23
Jun

Five Minute Friday - steady

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on steady.
Go.

I am not the steady one of the group.
I am not the rock.
That's your job.
You were my joy, my constant, my always and forever.
Still now, as the waves of life crash down on us and make us nauseous
you are steady.
You are the calm in our storm.
You are the one that keeps us steady.

The push and pull of life has me very unsteady these days.
The stress and worry has me shaking and unstable.
I am a tightly wound ball of nerves and balls are not steady, balls wobble, balls roll.
You are my steady.
You are my reminder that this too shall pass and more crazy will come.
You are my whisper of find us, we are here.
You are my fixer of all things, you are my steady.

And the attraction started because of your constant joy.
The natural joy that lived in you.
I didn't realize someone could feel that way, all of the time.
You were so thrilled to be.
Happy to be doing anything, as long as we were together.
Which is why dating me is still your favorite.
Which is why you look forward to just us two.

Kids knock you down.
Jobs, careers, business, they drag you through the mud.
Homes offer retreat and worry.
Life is full of the swinging back and forth
it is what makes life worth living.
And every person that gets lost in the whirl
every person that almost gets hurt from the spinning needs a steady rock.
A place to steady their thoughts.
A place to steady their mind.
A place to steady.
You, you are my steady.
You are my always and forever.

Stop.

16
Jun

Five Minute Friday - worth

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on worth.
Go.

I find myself asking, is it worth it a lot these days.
The arguments to keep her healthy
the arguments to make them good people
the arguments to remind those I live with of love
the struggles at work
the struggles I am enduring for my business
the races I work hard for, even though my time doesn't change
the time I put into all that I do
is any of it worth my time
energy
effort
worry.

What stands out as worth it?
What do I not question?
It always comes back to the quiet with you guys.
The Friday nights on the couch
when I should be finishing up work
it is always worth it to be with you.
The endless book dates when I should be doing anything else
is always worth it.
The bikes rides, the runs we take,
they are all worth it.

Because side by side
and moments of quiet love remind all of us what is important.
They remind us of the why we put in the work and they remind us how of effortless the work is.

They remind me, that it is always worth my time
because everything else is a distraction.
You, this, now, it is worth it.
Your smiles, your arms around me, slowing down, it is all worth it.

I won't be distracted by life
I won't be consumed by have tos
I won't be made to feel guilty for putting on my mask first.
Because I am building.
A life, a family, love.
It's easiest to love you and always and forever worth it.

19
May

Five Minute Friday - truth

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on truth.
Go.

It's hard to speak your truth.
It's hard to show your crazy.
And that's when true friends come in to show you that your crazy is normal.
We all carry crazy, but be true and honest to yourself.
Laugh at your crazy and always speak your truth.

So here is mine...
I am type A
I am a cleaner, an organizer
I feel calm in the non chaotic
I make lists
I feel good crossing them off
I overachieve
I overreact
I yell
I cry
I am introverted
I spent two very lonely years looking for my circle
I now know why, because I love time with a circle of friends, the comfort the laughter
I went through a really hard time when my daughter turned three
I went through an even worse time when my son turned one and that didn't end until he was four
I doubt myself all day long
I doubt my strength
I doubt my ability
I doubt my love
I doubt my grit
I doubt my mind
I doubt my achievements
I doubt my gentle
I am not confident
I am so good with not being confident
I can laugh hard
I was terrified of becoming a mom
I used every excuse in the book to not start this journey
I have never been more wrong and more right all at the same time
I love motherhood
I am and will forever be petrified of motherhood
I worry
I cannot stress this enough, I worry about all things most of the time
I was diagnosed with MS at 23 and I walked through hell and back with my person
I will continue to walk through hell and back with my person because he is my forever
I walk away too quickly from relationships that make me think I am reliving my past
I am fiercely loyal to those I love
I go above and beyond
I sleep hard
I want more sleep (but see above)
I find miserable really easily so
I am on the hunt for my joy
I found a second chance in my kids
I protect their childhood
I am determined
I am a good friend
I am a good mother
I do not have balance, but I find the space to breathe
I allow love in

My raw, my honest, my spoken truth.

Stop.

12
May

Five Minute Friday - mom

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on mom.
Go.

Each year, I write a letter.
A thank you.
A mother's day love.
Because I don't need ribbons and bows.
I don't need breakfast in bed and cards.
I need you to know that I already got a gift, the day I met you.

But last year, it occurred to me how all in you are.
How much this day means to you
and how hurtful it was that I was shutting it down.
And so, this year, I too am all in.
I will wait in bed for you to come get me.
I will hear you and dad making something special for me downstairs.
I will be all in with you.

And just the other day you were beaming with excitement...
I just can't wait until Mother's Day this year!
And when I asked why the answer was so simple, so kind...
because I want to celebrate you mom.

I am all in with you.
Because how do you ever say no to that?

This seasoned mother who is velveteen real still feels brand new to it all.
And it is because each day, something changes.
You change, you are always and forever changing and nothing is ever the same.
And so I have to change with you.

Moms are full of love
grace
humor
patience.

Moms are full of strength and power.
They are strong and determined.
They are tired and full of energy to keep going
for you.

You are here because I asked you to be.
I hoped you would be, I tried for you.
And each day, I continue to try because now I am here for you.
Moms are here for you.

Stop.

23
Apr

Dear kids

I make a lot of mistakes from day to day.
Each time I am presented with a situation, I feel as though I have a major decision to make.
This little decision determines so much, too much.
It determines how you come to me in the future.
It determines if you come to me in the future.
It determines how safe and comforted you feel.
And this my loves, this is the hardest part of parenting.
This is the part that keeps me up.
The thought of losing our trust, our connection, our bond.
The thought of you feeling alone out there, not having a home base, not wanting to "get in trouble" so keeping it to yourself.

And so, I want you to know...

I will always believe in you.
Always believe in who you are.
Always believe in your goodness.
We all make mistakes, I will be disappointed, but I will never be disappointed in who you are, only what you did.
Because I will always and forever believe in you.
I will believe in your heart, your soul, the core of who you are.
Whenever you feel that you don't even believe in yourself, know that I believe in you the most.
I will always believe in you.

You do not need to have any part of your life figured out.
And you don't have to have it figured out for a really long time.
And even when you are all grown up and have it figured out, you still can change your mind.
Adults put a lot of emphasis on what you're going to be when you grow up.
What are you going to do?
What is it that you will major in?
What career will you follow?
But, you don't need to have a single part of it figured out always and forever.
That is what life is, figuring it out, owning that part and then keep developing.
Keep changing, keep growing.
Never feel like a failure because your life isn't figured out yet.
Direction and passion and what excites you, all of that will come.
And sometimes, it will go.
And then another thing will pop up and then you will follow that
and that too may go.
You will figure things out on your own terms.

I see the good in you, the unique, the really really good.
I spend a lot of time focusing on what you need to improve.
I spend a lot of time trying to guide you
and redirect
and teach.
But the truth is, at your base, there is so much good.
Like how adventurous you are.
Like how you always try, always.
Like how much you love life, really love all the things about it.
Like how you play well together.
Like how you read to him.
Like how you comfort each other when you're upset or in trouble.
Like how you want him to be included.
Like how you are her shadow.
Like how hard you both work at school.
Like how respectful you both are of your teachers.
Like how you love love.
Like how well you both sleep.
Like how much you love your food.
Like how your face lights up when you see us.
Like how you always ask for dad to play with you.
Like how you find our traditions as important as I do.
Like how loving you both are.
Like how gentle you can be.
I see the good guys and I need to call you out on it more.

You can always trust me.
With your words
with your actions
with your mistakes
with your worries
with your thoughts
with your insecurities
with your choices.
I will protect all of it.
I will always be on your side, even if I am disappointed.
Even if I feel you know/knew better.
Even if I feel you had a choice and you knew the right one and you still choose the wrong one.
Because mistakes and bad choices, all of that is learning.
I am your trust, right here.
I will never turn my back on you,
I make you face your consequences and take responsibility,
but I will never turn my back on you.

Because this is home, and you can always come back to home base.
Even as adults, you can come back to comfort and warmth and us.
We all need that every once in a while, just a few minutes of safe to get back out there.
We are home.

14
Apr

Five Minute Friday - empty

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on empty.

Go.

It's how the introverted mother ends her day.
It's how I feel at the hours you need me the most.
Which is unfortunate because when a person has nothing left to give there is no longer beauty.
There is only ugly words and feelings and everything is harsh.
When I am empty, I am without compassion
I am no longer loving
I cannot be kind.
Because continuing to run on empty cannot be sustained, something has to give.

And it's not you, it's me.
It's my too busy
it's my too many things
and it's my responsibility to find what fills.

And so, I started on my path to remember what fills me full
like the end of our day
like together
like our traditions
like our snuggles
like framily time
like dance parties
like when you whisper to me from your dreams
like my runs
and my breathing
like the love we all have.

The moments that empty, they will always be there.
Life is daunting
and tiring
but it doesn't always have to be so hard.
Hard is what I do best and it's time for me to find a new talent.
Because I want more in my life.
More of the things that fill my heart
like laughter
and hugs
and you
and us
and time.

Because I want more out of my life than moments that deplete.
I no longer want to pick just the things that take away.
I no longer want to live an empty life full of lists and accomplishments.
I no longer want to live an empty life full of busy but nothing real gets done.
I want more in my life than emptiness.

Stop.

10
Mar

Five Minute Friday - abandon

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on abandon.
Go.

There was a time in my life when I felt so desperately alone
I felt abandoned and left,
even though I was the one to leave.
And that brought out a loyal and cautious soul.

I don't ever give up.
I never abandon the ship, even when it's sinking.
Yes, it can be seen as loyal
as committed
as determined
as love.
But it can also be seen as just too much, I don't know how to walk away.
Not from friends turned family
not from jobs turned careers
not from love
not from hope
and at times, not from darkness.

And then there are times I give up so easily
when the pain comes rushing back and I remember how I just run when that happens.
I run away and I hide and I cut it off.
I am all in, one way or the other, all in.

And because they decided I needed balance, my little faces show me the way.
They show me that loyal and reckless abandonment can both be seen as gorgeous.

You sweet loving adorable Cole,
you are reckless
you lack inhibition or restraint
every action is do now, ask for forgiveness later.
And although there are times I wish you listened more
although there are times I wish for my own heart you would be a little more cautious
a little more reserved
this careful, deliberate, worried, and overly tightly wound mother adores your balance in my life.
She adores your reckless abandonment
of the rules
of the way one "should".

And you Anna,
my little me
my little one that always over thinks
my little face that also will not desert
my stubborn mind that always forges ahead
you too will be loyal.
You too will be determined.
You too will not give up, on anyone or anything.
You too will never abandon a friend in need
you too will protect
you too will give it your all
you too will never abandon your family
you too will never abandon your goals.

It's all a give and take,
know when to walk away
when the pain is too great
when the respect is no longer there
abandon the moments that hurt.
But also remember that family, however it is defined by you,
stays.
Family is not left
family is never ending,
family you can't walk away from
family you can't abandon.

Stop.

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