24
Sep

Blankets

...being a parent feels like you are a small blanket, you just can't cover it all.

Blankets are my security.
They are my go-to for snuggles and comfort and warmth and feeling secure.
Bad day? I wrap a blanket around myself and settle in.
Having a crisis? The warmth of a blanket can make it all feel ok.
Bad breakup? The comfort of a blanket feels like loving arms.
Feeling sick? Blankets make you feel instantly warmer, getting better.
I have blankets all over my house.
Extra ones hiding in all sorts of places.
At night, I need to feel the weight of a blanket on me, keeping me tucked in.
Blankets have always been important to me.
They are significant, they have meaning in my world.

...being a parent feels like you are a small blanket, you just can't cover it all.

When I went away to college, my experience wasn't "normal".
I left home and went to college.
I left behind a family
a house
a familiar surrounding
a situation
and a life.
A life I knew, even if I wasn't in love with it, even if it wasn't the one I wanted, it was all that I knew.
And I landed in a college that felt like a warm blanket around me.
It's how I always describe my college, my experience there.
I felt taken care of and comforted, it felt familiar, homey.
And for a girl that was stepping into fear, she needed this comfort.
And for a woman that would continue to walk through fear, I continue to use blankets for protection.

...being a parent feels like you are a small blanket, you just can't cover it all.

When I met my person, it was so easy between us.
I instantly felt safe, I felt his joy, and that too covered me in warmth and comfort.
He felt like the most amazing blanket, keeping me protected from the darkness.
He was my light, my warmth, my security.
And I knew, right away, he was it.
He always kept me warm, always kept safe, always kept me feeling perfectly covered.
He was my blanket.

Because wrapped up in a blanket, I feel loved, I feel calm, I feel good about my life.
I feel taken care of, I feel nurtured.
I feel like I can concentrate on the moment.
I am here, not rushing off to a million places, I am here.

And then last week a friend told me about a book he was reading and how a quote hit him hard...
...being a parent feels like you are a small blanket, you just can't cover it all.

Because now, I am that blanket for others.
I am the one who is covering you up in love, in security, in safe.
But, no parent can cover it all.
Even though I work so hard on intentionality with my kids.
Especially since they have hit school years and I feel like important memories and words are sticking, it's more and more important that I am not reacting to them.
That I am not white on rice with them.
That I am listening more than speaking.
That I am answering questions honestly.
That I am there, really present with them.

...being a parent feels like you are a small blanket, you just can't cover it all.

But, days get long.
Patience runs out.
It feels like nothing is getting done
and you just can't cover it all.

You can't be everywhere.
You can't be everything.
You can't do everything.
You can't always be kind.
You can't always speak with intention.
The blanket is too small and something, someone, is being left out in the cold.

But, not to them.
They don't think that I am stretched too thin.
Because even if I'm too small for me, I am still the biggest most comforting blanket for you.
I am who you want when you are cold
sad
lonely
bored
scarred
worried
sick.
I am your warmth and comfort and protection from the cold.

No matter how small I feel, you see me as able, enough.
You see me as heavy and sturdy and strong enough to continue to stretch from corner to corner.
You never feel I am not covering every corner.
I am the one now wrapping you in comfort.
I have become a blanket for your life.

And just like dad is for me, I always will be the warmth and comfort you need.

22
Jan

Joy

All this anger, all this confusion, and for what?
I have spent so many of my years living a life of anger.
One that builds confusion and fog.
One that I, and I alone, carry the burden of.
And why?
For what?
Who does it serve and what is the purpose of anger?
I want for nothing.
I have a life I built, on purpose.
Nothing in my life was by mistake.
I have smart children, who will also want for nothing.
I have a home, one that is all ours, one that we built.
I have love, in almost every corner, and still, there were so many days I sat in this fog of anger and resentment.
So many moments of anger, when things are all too loud.
So many years I have wasted, given up,
to anger.
So many moments that joy is destroyed by me, I held it in my hands, and I let it go.
Because that is what happens when you hold on to angry,
everything is dark and black.
And your world starts to not make sense.

And because I have promised them more,
it is time I start with joy.
Which means I have to be the one to change.
I have to find a way out of the anger I have allowed in.

It is time for joy.

Just the other day, I was reading a woman who's new way of life I admire say...
I want to make memories, not to do lists.
I want to feel the squeeze of my kids' arms around me, not the pressure I build out of stress.

The pressure I build, this part stuck with me.
I build up my own frustrations...
in my head, in my mind, in my life.
I create my own stress,
I am in charge of the to dos.
I am in charge of me and me alone.

And so, I begin my path to joy.
Joy in my heart. The kind that I feel all over my body.
I want to be joyful again.

It is time for joy.

Because an angry mom has a scowl, and her words are like ice.
Her body so tense
everything aches.
And as she tries to raise tiny humans to be good people,
as she tries to teach soft and love
she is not leading by example.
She is not their role model,
she is not their rock.

And it is time for joy.

Joy has the opposite effect.
Joy allows you to feel giddy
and everything instantly becomes light and bright.
Joy brings warmth.

So, this chip,
the one I carry,
the one I nurse,
the one I am raising and nurturing,
the one I spend so much of my time taking care of
it is time to put you to rest.
It is time I discard you.
You no longer have a place in my life.

Because it is time for joy.

This, is my life.
This is what my life looks and feels like and truth be told,
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Because it is the one I created,
for me
for them
for all of us.
This, is us.
All wrapped up into one.

And it is time I bring joy back into this life.

And my crazy attention to detail and organization can and should be used for good,
not the evil I have allowed.

It is time for joy.

Not just for me
but my god, for them too.
The little ones that look to me for how I am going to respond.
The ones that look to me for what they need to feel and react this moment.
The ones that are learning from me on what love looks like
how we treat others
what love sounds like
what joy and greatness need to be
how love always comes first.

It is time they feel my joy.

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