6
Apr

I never knew

This week is your birthday.
And before you
before us
before this connection
there was so much, too much
I never knew.

First, I had no idea how I would be as a mother.
And you sweet angel, you made it so easy.
You never ever made me feel like a first-time mom.
You didn't give me new mom fog.
You were just always here, we always fit and we were always connected in this weird and wonderful way.
I never knew how brave I could be until I said yes to you.

I never knew how much I would adore having a daughter.
I never knew how great believing in happily ever after would feel.
I never knew how great feeling like a queen would feel.
I never knew how gorgeous I would feel standing next to you.
I never knew there was power in pink.
I never knew what grace looked like.

I never knew that beauty does not come from a mirror, it came from the eyes of someone who saw you as everything.
I never knew you could quiet years of not liking yourself by holding a gorgeous girl in your arms.
I never knew how important it would be to let you be any form of girl you wanted to be, including loving all things girl.
From dolls to princesses to pink and purple to twirling and dancing to singing and dresses.
You were this girl and I was all in with you.
I never knew that your love for girl would finally make me love being the woman I am.

I never knew I would have a shadow and I never realized how much I would adore that too.
I never knew I wouldn't want my space from you.
I never knew that I would have no problem answering your questions, holding you close.
I never knew how important all the little steps were to make you feel like I will always be here.
I never knew how big all the little things would be to you.
I never knew how important bedtime snuggles would be, how much you would bask in love.

I never knew how much you would look like your dad.
How much it would make me fall in love with him all over again.
I never knew just how handsome I had married, until I met you.

I never knew how strong I could make all the princess you loved.
Belle for being brave, her love of reading.
Moana who wasn't a princess at all.
Rapunzel for finally leaving her tower.
Anna for being so loving and proving once and for all, love is all you need.
I never knew how easy it was to make strong the new pretty.

I never knew how much you would love Cole.
How important that relationship would be to me,
how much you two will always need each other.
I never knew how great it would feel to introduce you to the concept of framily and how important it is you pick the right people to spend your time with.

I never knew how simple love was.
How just being with you, spending time with you, made everything for you so much more special.
I never knew how much you would recognize my stress
how much like me you would be.
How much you would cry and laugh and how hard and loud each of those emotions would sound, how easily and quickly they would come.

But what I know now, all you have taught me is that I wasn't really me until I met you.
You allowed me to slide into a place of rest and love and acceptance.
And what I also know now is I cannot imagine a life without you in it.

I never knew,
how much I would love you.

3
Apr

Together

What can we do together Anna?
What can we change...together?

Can we change how we define woman.
Can we change the idea that we should be defined by a scale, or a number, or a size, or by wrinkles and marks on our body?

Can we change the idea that we should be defined by time passing, or our past?

Can we change how we define woman?

Can we try and define her by her real beauty?
By what she accomplishes in 24 hours, or a week, or a month, what about a year?

Can we define her by her loves and her joys?
Can we tell the world that she is perfect, even though perfect doesn't exist.
Can we tell them that perfect doesn't have to exist, just leave her, just as she is.
With joy in her heart because if you take that away, you take away her flame.
And you are not allowed to take away her flame.

You have changed how I define me.
You have changed how I look at me, how I talk about myself, you have already changed so much.

You have put scars on my body and wrinkles on my face and worry in my heart.
You have made me soft in the middle, and I no longer care.
Because you have changed how I define me.

With all of the scars, and wrinkles, and added numbers and worry, I have never felt so beautiful and that is because you have given me the title of mother.
You have taught me that it all comes from within us.
You have brought me back to that little girl that I was and you are finding a way to whisper in her ear that she is good enough, she is strong enough, she can trust her strength, she can trust herself.

And, so are you. You are strength and you are gorgeous.

My amazing daughter...
You are most beautiful when you are happy, or not.
You are most beautiful when you are working, or learning.
You are most beautiful when you are running, or sitting, or reading, or active.
You are most beautiful when you are trying, because you always try.
You are most beautiful when you first wake up, and just before bed, and all throughout the day.
You are most beautiful when you are confident and when you are scared.
You are most beautiful when you are with your brother and when you were our one and only.
You are most beautiful when I see you being a good friend and when you are all alone.
You are most beautiful when you can see love on your face and when you don't have any left to give.
You are most beautiful when you are around your father, or me, or anyone.
You are most beautiful.

Thank you my love, for changing everything.
You make me feel like we can continue to change it all, together.

Happy birthday to my first.

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