2
Oct

Time

It's the one thing we all don't have enough of.
The one thing we all pay attention to.
The one thing we all lose track of.

As I look at you both, I always wonder, where did the time go?
What happened to the new mom?
When did I become so seasoned?
And since when does being more seasoned mean you know less?
You are more afraid,
you are more tired,
you feel more clueless,
you feel so lost?

Where did the time go?
Because I swear, it was yesterday I was taking pictures of my belly while you grew.
It was yesterday that I was so worried about labor and delivery.
It was yesterday that I had parenting figured out,
until I didn't.

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It was all just yesterday.
But I let time slip right by,
right through my fingers.
And my biggest heartache is that I didn't enjoy it all more.
I didn't fall hard for both of you, everyday.
My biggest regret is how I allowed the hard to take me down,
how I got lost in the fog.
My biggest fear, is that it's too late to start over.
And that I will lose you in a very damaging way.
And I won't be your rock, your home base.

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Because time won,
and time will always win.
It does not matter how not ready I am
or how crazy ready you are
time dictates all that is coming and when.

And I guess that's why I am also so mad at time,
for taking my babies away
for making me feel this old
for making me have to make all of these really big decisions
because time always wins.

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There is no way to stop it
there is no way to slow it down
but I, we, can slow down.
I, we, can enjoy more.
I, we, can linger.
I, we, can have days of all day movies and snuggles.
I, we, can put our to dos away and just be together
just be, period.

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To me, you will always and forever be babies,
even if time made you four and seven.
To me, you will always and forever be stuck with that little face we brought home.
To me, we will always and forever be just us four, even when time says we are expanding.
To me, I wish time could stand still, that we could hit pause and be like this forever.
But time will win again and we will move on and grow.
Time always wins.

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