Childhoodtake2!

We created two little faces.
Two little hands we get to hold.
Two little noses we get to kiss.

We created two little beings.
Two souls that we get to help raise.
Two hearts that we have to fill with love and respect.

We created two siblings.
Two best friends.
Two people that will conspire against us.

We created their sorrow, their tears.
Two different minds.
Two ways to handle a situation.

We created their faces.
Two honest and amazing eyes that light up when they smile.
Two smiles that melt hearts.

We create what they think of themselves and how they see the world.
But, we only are allowed to take it so far.
There will come a day, too close to our future, that the choices are theirs.
The decisions they make, we support.
They drive their future.
They start their families.
They move.
They move far.
They move even farther.
They build their lives.
They build their surrounding.
They build their families.
They build their careers.
They build their loves.
We get to watch.
We get to hear.
We get to remember what it was like when.
When we kissed the hurt.
When they couldn't wait to tell us about their days.
When the hugs would be strong in the morning because they missed us while they slept.
When the smooches were sweet.
When we had family movie night.
When we went for family walks.
When you wanted to sit on our laps.
When you wanted to sing us a song.
When only a hug from us would make the crying stop.
We get to remember what we created and watch you from where we are.
We will love, forever love, what we created.

I blamed them for what they did, what they didn't do, what they instilled, what they didn't instill, what they said, how they said it, what they didn't say, what they threatened, what they took, what they stood for, what they taught, what they should have taught instead.

One person changed my point of view. She reminded me that I am now an adult. I have to be responsible for my own choices, my own happiness, and, most enlightening, that they did the best they could with what they had.

They did the best they could with what they had. They didn't have a way to cope, they didn't know how much it would hurt, they didn't know how much we would struggle as adults with what happened. Simply, they tried. They had their own baggage but they tried. And, they are different people now.

I am me, I have my own family, I am my own person. I am not responsible to them, they are no longer responsible to me. I will make mistakes, I will succeed, I will fail, I will continue to struggle, I will flourish, I will survive. I will have triggers that make me feel like I am seven again, I will treat them with respect and love them for who they are. I will make mistakes with my kids, my marriage, my health, my agency. I will feel worse about those mistakes than most. I will have successes that don't mean as much to me because I still struggle to put myself in the "successful" category. But that is on me now. That is how I respond, no longer what they taught.

My family is different, my kids are being reminded of all they can accomplish, all they can do, all they can achieve. I will be proud of them, I will support them, I will make them know they can stand on their own. I won't help them if they stumble, I won't need to. They can brush themselves off and keep going. You may stumble, but you won't fall. You may feel like you are failing, but you are just hitting a bump and you will find the courage within you, both of you will.

So, I let it go. It wasn't easy, and everyday isn't always that way. But the pain, the blame, the hatred, it's gone. It didn't melt away, it was a decision I had to make. It was all consuming to carry it around and it had to go away. I am me, this is my family, these are my choices and I choose happiness over hate any day.

Maybe it was being raised in a loud household with a lot of yelling. Maybe it's because I'm introverted. Maybe it's because my world seems to be crazy and loud most of the time. Maybe it's because my husband is so loud in every. single. thing. he. does. Maybe it's because I'm a mom and get asked a bunch of questions, or constantly talked to, or pulled at, or asked to help, or be held, or open a door, or a snack, or wipe, or blow a nose, or change, or find a toy, or fix a toy, or end a fight. Maybe it's because Anna wakes up talking or that Cole spends most of his waking hours upset and frustrated. Maybe it's because Mia is fighting for attention and her hearing is going so she spends a lot of time barking. Maybe it's because of my job, or my decisions, or my choices.

The reason doesn't matter.

The truth is, gray days with rain or snow falling bring me peace, and calm, and warm my insides. They are what I think of when I think of quiet. They are my definition of quiet. They make me feel human again and like myself. They are best cherished in my little house, falling on my roof.

They can turn a day when I feel the need to cry because I am hardly surviving. The days that I feel like I am really failing, as a bride, as a mom, as a CEO, as a friend. Days when I feel like all of my energy has been wasted on the wrong thing. It's the water that reminds me of my ability to survive and find strength and not only is tomorrow another day but with kids, five minutes from now is a completely different moment.

That's why I love the rain. That's why snow days stuck inside my home fill me with love. That's why when I'm not feeling like myself, I know that watching the rain come down washes away any pain. It reminds me to sit in the quiet and breathe. It washes over me and is delicate. It is soft. It is warmth. It quiets the noise.

You start a new year.
You have a new outfit.
You have a new teacher.
You will make new friends.

You are filled with excitement.
You are able.
You are smart.
You are bold.
You can do, be, achieve.
You are strong.
You are kind.
You are going to get it done.

You have me filled with pride.
You have me bursting with excitement for your future.
You have me blue.
You have me sad and I feel a hole right on my chest, the exact spot you would lie as a baby.
I don't know how the heart can be bursting with pride/happiness/excitement and feel so sad and blue all at the same time.
But that's what mothering has done to me. It makes me live this life of dichotomy and because I struggle with change and time moving, I struggle with you getting bigger.
I struggle with you being a whole person.
I struggle with how tall you are.
I struggle with how many words you know.
I struggle with how much you know.

You are gorgeous, you are knowledgeable, you are going to accomplish anything you want. You are joy and love and peace and crazy and beauty and intelligence. You are Anna James and you are going to get it done.