Childhoodtake2!

Have you noticed it yet?
Do you see how he does everything you do?
How interested he is in what you do?

In where you go?
In all you are into?

Did you ever notice how patient he is with you?

How he looks for you first thing in the morning?

How much he loves you?

And, it all started right from the beginning.

He has always looked up to you.
He always wants to play with you,
be near you,
be close to you.

His love for you, it's crazy
and wild
and never ending.
He adores you.
He wants to do all you do, at the exact moment you do it.
He copies you.
He follows you.
He plays with what you want to play with.
He colors when you color.
He plays dolls when you do.
He throws the balls around when you are ready to play with balls.
He is your little brother.
He is your shadow.
He is your best friend.
He is your wing-man.
He is upset for you,
with you.
He is happy for you,
with you.
He is all we all ever wanted,
all you ever needed,
even if you weren't aware.
He is what you waited and waited for.
You do right by him.
You love him right back.
Because, it's already starting to change.
He already is starting to have his own thoughts and wants
and he expresses them.
You can already see him stick up for himself and fight for what he wants.
But, as one little sibling to another, let me remind you that
he wants to be
just like you...always.
And that, sweet girl,
that is sibling love that fills me full.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on finish.
Go.

What happens when you get to the finish line?
All my life, I have set goals, destinations.
I live by them.
They are how I operate
how I manage my life
my day to day.
But, what happens when I complete that goal?
What happens when I cross that finish line?

The thing is, I always seem to forget to plan past the end.
I forgot that getting into college and moving away from home leaves a 21 year old kid with nothing to look forward to.
No goals to fulfill because I crossed my finish line.

And today, at 35, I find myself in the same place.
I didn't plan farther than my finish line and it has me lost.
Wondering what is next.
What to do,
where to turn,
how to manage.
Experiencing a loss because after I cross my finish line,
I never have a new plan,
a new goal,
a bigger race.

And it points out that I don't, can't dream big for me.
I can't see outside of the walls I create for me to see and find and realize what else is out there.
I set goals.
I set deadlines.
I set expectations for me.
I set schedules.
I set a pace.
I get to my finish line and I look around and I think
what comes next?

Stop.

For just a second, you looked like the infant I met in 2009.
Not the five year old little girl that is so independent.

For just a second, you looked so small.
Your face so tiny.
And I remembered...
I remembered how incredibly little your hands were.
I remembered how well you fit all snuggled in.
I remembered what you looked like sleeping.
I remembered the small.
I remembered the tiny.

For just a second,
you looked like the little lump that relied on us for everything.
Not the girl that does it all by herself now.
And I remembered the noises you would make to get our attention.
I remembered the 3am feedings.
I remembered the tiny little clothes.
I remembered this overwhelming feeling of being complete.
I remembered the feeling of being so confident in my mothering.
I remembered the small.
I remembered the tiny.

Because it is all about to change.
You are about to head out into a world and a road made just for you.
One that you will travel on without me.
One that you will flourish in.
One that we will support you through.
One that is made just for you.

Have no doubt sweet girl,
you have changed everything about me.
You have brought me so much joy.
You give me so much to be proud of.

And what's remarkable about our journey, what is remarkable about mothering, is that each passing day, I become less confident, not more.
In the beginning, I felt so sure.
I knew what each little noise meant.
We had this special dance, this special way.
But, as the decisions get harder.
As the parenting gets more difficult.
As the decisions become more important and as we continue to work with you on who you will become,
the confidence, it goes away.

And, that's okay.
You always check in to let me know how we are doing.
You are a good gauge for me.
You always remind me of what is imporatnt.

It is all about to change.
The small,
the tiny,
the little.
But,
I will always remember.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on bloom.
Go.

We don't get to decide.
Where we are born.
Who we are born to.
How we are raised.
Where our roots are planted.
It's just given to us.
This family.
This house.
It's all just there.

And then there comes a point in time
in which you pick up your potted plant
and you put down your own roots.
You make your own decisions,
you create your own family.

And, for me, in that time,
I bloomed.
I learned more about myself than I ever thought.
I met the most amazing people who are to this day family.
I created my family.
I make my choices.
I let go.
I fought hard for me.
I fought hard for what I wanted.
I bloomed.

I realized I could always rely on me
but I also realized I would never have to.
I would never be alone.
Because the love of those I decided to keep with me,
they let me grow,
they loved watching me bloom.

And, you will get there too.
Maybe not in the same way.
But, your time will come.
Your moment of you and your choices and your decisions, they are moments away.
And you too will bloom.
You will realize that your stumbles are not falls.
You will realize you are fine on your own,
but you will also realize you are never alone.

There comes a time when we stop using our past as reasons for our future choices.
That is the time in which we bloom.

Stop.

Dear Cole,

I know sweet love.
It's unfair.
So much falls on you.
So many tears are shed because of you.
Each time you accomplish a first, it's my last first anything.

The first time I realized we were pregnant, was the last time I would hear that news.
The first time I felt you kick
or hiccup
or roll over
was the last time I would carry a heart with me.

The first time we brought you home
was the last time I brought home a brand new baby.

The first time you met Mia
it was the last time Mia would meet one of our babies.

The first time you started and stopped using a bottle
the first time you had food
your first smile
laugh out loud funny moment
your first tooth
the first time you sat up
crawled
walked
ran
said your first word
used sentences
asked for things
potty trained
all of it.
It's my last first
with anybody.

And yes, I am more than happy for you
and with you
and because of you.
I am proud
I am elated
I am so pleased.
But, because I have such a hard time letting it all go
letting you both go
I am...

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on belong.
Go.

I belong with you
I belong in your arms
And you, little faces of mine, you belong in my hold
I belong with you

I belong in this life
I belong in this world
I belong in this place
I belong with you

I belong being your mom
your wife
I belong in this family
in this home
I belong with you

I belong here
in this little piece of us that we created
I belong in this journey
I belong on this path
I belong with you

I belong in this corner of us
I belong in my crossroad
I belong with us
I belong with you

I belong riding this wave
I belong being happy in childhood
I belong being worried and anxious and concerned
I belong being in love
I belong with you

I belong in love
in comfort
in family
and in ordinary
I belong with you

You belong too
right here
with me
with us
You belong here, with us, for this brief moment in time

Never worry about being alone
being scared of where or who or how you belong
you belong with us
I belong with us
I belong with you

Stop

In the beginning,
we would talk for hours
and yes, I still find you interesting enough to stay up until 4am getting to know you all over again.

In the beginning,
we would hold hands everywhere
and yes, we still do.

In the beginning,
we were just two kids.
Starting out, starting new, starting over.
And yes, everyday is still a fresh start.

In the beginning,
we had very little to argue over
or fight about.
Life was simple, forgiveness was easy and we always found our way back.
And yes, we will always continue to, even if it's more complicated.

In the beginning,
it was just us three (because Mia was and is always a part of us).
Responsibilities were minimal,
life was always happy and carefree was so easy to find.
And yes, we are still happy.

In the beginning,
we would go to sleep touching toes
holding hands
finding our nooks.
And yes, we are still that close.

In the beginning,
we met surrounded by movie theater love.
From Blockbuster to our first date.
Movies in which he would run through an airport for her or
she would cry in the rain.
But, we found our own magic, even if it was filled with boring and everyday.
Even if it was filled with ordinary.
Because boring and ordinary were cozy and lovely and much more realistic.
Because boring and ordinary were love and home and family.
And yes, we still find our amazing in our ordinary.

In the beginning,
love, it fixed it all.
It fixed the broken, and the angry and the tired.
And yes, it still does.

In the beginning,
I found my person.
I found a friend, a strength a comfort.
I found happy and family and support.
I found something to believe in, a way to believe in myself.
I found that I am better with you and because of you.
I found them.
I found you.
And yes, I would do it all over again.