Childhoodtake2!

What happens when you are closer to 40 than 30?
When you are worried about the future and all the uncertainty?
When your wrinkles tell your story, our story,
and each one has a happy line, a worried line, a memory?
What happens when you almost do not recognize yourself in the mirror
and everything looks...different?
Everything looks familiar, but not quite you?
What happens when I remember the two kids that started this journey and how many lifetimes have passed?
What happens when we are not kids anymore?
When we are no longer playing dress up but really living these lives?
What happens when this is our reality?

What happens when I have to let you go and be you?
When you leave this house?
When you leave our home?
When you let go of our hold?

What happens when my patience is gone and my words are filled with yelling and frustration?
What happens to you when I yell?
What happens to you when my face looks angry?
What happens to you when I lose me?
What happens to us when you walk away with your head and shoulders down, a sad look on your face.
What happens to your childhood, to your memories?

What happens when I spend and waste all of this time waiting?
For the house to be done,
for the mess to be cleaned up,
for the worry to go away,
for our lives to go back to some sort of normal?
For Sunday morning breakfast,
and hikes,
and time,
and naps,
and not being so overwhelmed,
so out of control.
What happens when I waste time waiting for me to come back to us?
What am I missing?
What am I missing out on?
What am I not being present in?

What happens when we are together,
hand in hand,
smiles on our faces,
ready to take on the day, the week, the world?
What happens when we are building their memories and their childhood,
and their strength?
What happens when we are getting it right, and all you hear is their laughter,
their excitement?
What happens when you can see their childhood unfold?

What happens when we enter our next stage?
What happens when it's back to the two kids,
who started long ago,
and wanted and created
all of this?

What happens when we live and love this life?

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on because.
Go.

Because of you...
I believe in family,
I believe in couples,
I believe in me.

Because of you...
I believe that love fixes all the broken,
I believe that hand in hand is the way to live,
I believe in happily ever after.

Because of you...
I believe in childhood,
I believe in the power of happy,
I believe in second chances.

Because of you...
I believe in life,
I believe in living,
I believe in love.

Because of you...
I believe in us,
I believe in you,
I believe in so much love.

Because of you...
I believe in faith,
I believe in the team we built,
I believe that they made us stronger.

Because of you...
I believe that we can build a house,
but I believe that they created the home.
I believe in warmth.

Because of you...
I believe that puppy kisses can make you feel so loved,
I believe that warm hugs can melt cold days,
I believe that their smiles are worth every tantrum.

Because of you...
I believe in Sunday mornings,
and pancakes,
and simpler lives.

Because of you...
I believe in family,
I believe in us,
I believe in me,
I believe in love.
I believe in childhood,
I believe in happy.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on hold.
Go.

Your hand,
your face,
you close.

Your embrace,
your smooches,
your love.

Your smile,
your laughter,
your giggles.

Your worry,
your fear,
your concern.

Your wants,
your heart,
your future.

Your childhood,
always your childhood...

I hold it all close to me.
It's safe with me, in this little home we created together.
It's all safe here.

I will one day let go of this hold.
I will especially let go of your hand,
but the hold you have on me and my emotions,
it's real, and it's forever.

I will carry you with me always,
I will carry you in my heart.

I will carry you with me always,
I will carry you in my heart.

Stop.

I often wonder, what will stay with you.
Which memory will linger?
Is it how we got started?

Is it our times on the couch?

Is it playing together?

Is it when I finally get to be the one to read you books.
Is it bath time with dad?
Is it playing together in your rooms?
Is it holding hands?
Is it trips and vacations?
Is it your adventures with dad or helping him outside?
Is it times when things are tough and someone is yelling?
Either you, or me, or dad?
Is it frustration tears?
Will you remember NYC? Will you remember every holiday trip and picking out a special ornament?
Is it trips to watch the Yankees?

Will you remember the Cape, and our time on the beach?

Is it Boston and how much you love looking for the ducklings?
Will you remember this house project and how patient you had to be?
Will you remember family walks?
And Mia...tell me you will always remember Mia.

Will you remember family movie night?
Will you remember how we snuggle right in together?
Is it the fireplace and how you follow me there to stand and get warm?
Is it the track and all the summer days and nights we spent there?

Is it your first day of school?
How ready you were, to take on your world?

Will you remember the good?
Will you remember how hard we tried and how much we do to make you experience a happy childhood?

Will you remember how much we love,
how often we say it,
in so many different ways?

Will you remember how much we embrace, and hug and kiss?

Will you remember how to hold my hand? Will you remember how safe it feels?
Will your memories be warm?
Will they be filled with the love we tried to pour out?
Each time we fight, we argue, you test, you have a tantrum, you cry, you slam a door, there is yelling, tears come flying, time outs get worse, "no!" is screamed, I wonder...
will you remember the good and how much we loved?

Because the memories you have left, the times I will remember,
they are filled with warmth.
They are filled with two little faces and one strong person that changed my life, my world.
They are filled with you.
They are filled with love.
They are filled with good.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on ready.
Go.

Was I ready for you?
Was I ready for how many changes you would bring?
Was I ready for this life, this home, this family?
Was I ready to take on this challenge with work?
Was I ready to race?
Was I ready to be this person?
Most will tell you that you are never ready,
but if you wait until you are, you will never move, never do, never accomplish anything.

But what about those of us that become paralyzed with fear?
What about those of us that need so much more time to process?
What about those of us that always doubt,
ourselves
our choices
our decisions
our lack of confidence
our inability to move.

And so, I over compensate.
I make lists to be ready.
I get and stay organized to be ready.
I never miss a deadline
or a task
or have a to do that doesn't get crossed off,
all to make me feel ready,
gain some control over the fear.

I will never be sure,
I will never feel confident.
But I will also no longer doubt that I should be here.
Right here, with all of you.
Building this life and these memories.
Holding on to you, and reading you goodnight.
Hugging and holding you close,
whispering I love yous.

I am here loves.
I am ready and I am here.

Stop.

All things change.
Time goes by so quickly.
Before I can put away the winter clothes,
and start to think about spring,
summer is here.
And just as I am getting to relax and enjoy the summer love,
I put a little face on the bus for the first time.

Seasons change.
That's the only constant.
Is change.

This is the most loving season of my life.
This is the time when you will need and want me most.
This is the time when you cling to my legs to help with dinner.
This is the time that you run to the door to greet me.
This is the time that you want to be around me all of the time.
This is the time you ask "mom up" all day long.
This is the time you take my hand to play.
This is the time we all still hold hands, and walk as one.
This is the time we kiss with our whole face
and hug with our whole bodies.
This is my season of love.

It's now.
And tomorrow, it will all change.

Tomorrow you will be a teenager.
Tomorrow you will have your own friends, your own schedule, your own things going on.
Tomorrow you will have your big life.
Tomorrow you will be more quiet, unsure of what to share.
Tomorrow you will be more protective and the words won't come pouring out of you.
Tomorrow you will be driving yourself everywhere.
Tomorrow, you will leave this house you made a home.
Tomorrow is a new season, and things will change.

So, for now, although there are so many times I want to pull my hair out.
I want you to be potty trained
I want you to ride a bike without training wheels
I want you to be able to get your own snack
your own drink
get ready
tie your shoes
walk up and down stairs alone
be able to catch the bus by yourself
I want to be less needed.

And one day,
I will.
And the quiet will be so loud.
The calm will be anxious.
The still house will be empty.
The needless mother will feel
needless.
The whining will stop,
the excitement will go away.
The tantrums, they will be replaced.
The feet stomping will turn into slammed doors and regretted words.
The terrible twos will turn into horrible threes...
and then you too will be getting on a bus.
Soon, the seasons will change.
And my winter will come.
And I will have rest,
I will have time,
I will have baths,
I will have an extra glass of wine,
I will have my work,
I will have my writing,
I will continue racing,
and I will have you.

And somehow, we will start a new season.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on whisper.
Go.

It's how you say new words,
trying them out softly at first, in a gentle whisper.
It's how you talk when you're sleeping and I come in for that final kiss and tell you, I love you Cole.
You whisper back...
I love you mom.

Most of your days are not spent in the quiet.
Most of you is loud,
and active,
and crying
and excited
and running
and screaming
and frustrated.

But as I scoop your sleeping body up from the car,
we whisper,
hi mom
hi Cole.
It's time for bed buddy.
Yeah
I love you sweet and low.
I love you mom.

And in this gentle quiet,
all wrapped up in you,
I fall hard again.
I remember how much love you have.
How many smiles there are.
How many times you reach for my hand.
How much you love.
How you completed a puzzle we didn't know had a missing piece.
How you are love.
How your whispering words are like love letters to my heart.

Stop.