Childhoodtake2!

Before I owned a home, I had a small one bedroom apartment.
And although we were family and he was there with me, through every part,
there were days I would come home to just me.
He wouldn't be there yet.
Mia and I would be together.
Go for a walk
watch TV
read
work out.
And the place was small.
not enough room to entertain,
but we did.
Not enough room to have dinner plans with friends,
but we did.
Not enough money to make it all work,
but we did.
It was just me and it was just mine.

Before I found him, my days were empty, I just didn't realize it.
Because I always found busy.
And I always will find busy.
I will always find distraction.
I will always find have tos.
But it was nothing like this.
They were filled with my have tos, only my agenda, what I decided I would fit it.
It was just me and it was just mine.

Before they all came along, my heart belonged to only me.
I wore it on the inside of my body, and I protected it with an army.
It took a lot to crack me, because I was reserved, I was guarded.
But I was also longing and lonely and wanting to find you.
I just didn't realize it
because I was angry
I was scared
I was determined to prove something
I was determined to succeed
I was determined to fight
I was determined to protect.
It was just me and it was just mine.

Before it all got to be too big, too much,
it was just me and it was all just mine.

But too big and too much include
love
family
moments of heartache and actual break
moments of joy that spills and pours
moments of so very very loud
and moments of tender quiet and calm
the moments when we watch them sleep
and they whisper from their dreams.

Too big and too much include
our house turned home
our love
our marriage
our commitment
our determination
our forever.
Too much and too big include
them
their emotions
their ups and downs
their development
their beauty
their ugly frustration
their eyes that are all you
their hair that is all me.

Because when it was just me and it was all just mine
I had nice things
my home was neat and organized
everything had a place
I had a sense of calm and a sense of independence and pride,
after all, look at what I was able to accomplish.

But I was also lonely
and wanting all of this
and needing something I didn't realize I always wanted
and empty
and missing important pieces of me
and light because I was living in a world of gray.
And I didn't feel the weight of family.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on quiet.
Go.

The life I try to lead.
The life an introverted mother needs.
The simple life I strive for, beg for, need for them to see.
It's when things get too loud that I stop listening.
It's when things get too out of control for me and I can't hear a single thing.
But, it's almost impossible to find the quiet in the storm that is life.
Not just our life, we aren't any different, this, is life.

And someday, it will all be quiet.
The house, the schedules, the to dos, they will all be still.
And I will look back at this time fondly
and I will have wished I handled it better.
Loved it more
been more involved, more aware, more present.
Less angry
and stressed.

Because I create my own noise when I don't have to.
It's loud enough without me adding
the yelling
the worry
the concern
without me adding
the crazy
the unnecessary
the spiral
without me adding
my own spin on all of it

If I allow life to talk
if I were to sit and listen
if I were to find the quiet instead of adding to the loud
the answers will come.

Stop.

"If I am here for the she picked on me...
then you will come to me with the he broke up with me"

It's what I always say,
I will try better with them tomorrow.
I made a mistake today,
I yelled,
I continuously lost my patience.
Tomorrow, it will all be better.
I will try again
they will try again,
there is always tomorrow.

And this year I made a promise to myself that I am no longer wishing my life away.
I am no longer saying, I just need to get through this day, week, month.
I am going to take my life for what it is,
my life.
This is just my life.
So I am going to live it and be a part of it, everyday.

And then I get tested.
Then, a month like the one I just had hits.
And my first reaction is to get really quiet
until I'm not.
Until I am yelling
so loud
at the little faces I made
at my person
at myself
at my family
at doctors
and nurses
and everyone.

So many mistakes I have made
so many times I want to take it back
so many times I need a do over.
So every time I put them to bed, I try and think to myself,
I will make up for this day...
tomorrow.
I will be better...
tomorrow.
I will yell less
be more kind
lead by example...
tomorrow.
I will listen more
look them in the eyes more
I will hug them more
I will have more patience...
tomorrow.
Tomorrow will be better.

"If I am here for the my teacher said the funniest thing today
then you will come to me with the I feel like I have no friends.

And then, like a flood pouring into my heart,
I realized how short my time with them is.
Not only because we are honestly not promised a tomorrow and anything could happen to anyone at anytime,
but because what I do with you today, effects how you let me in tomorrow.

"And I know, deep in my soul, that if I am here for the little things turned big in your mind,you will feel like I am here for the big things we can turn little later."

Because my little girl has a few more years left with me as a kid.
Before she, by instinct, wants to keep things from me.
Before she starts to pull away.
Before so many more things come before our family time.
Before Friday family movie nights become a memory.
Before pancake Sunday is something we used to do, remember?
Before our family swims are weird and she just doesn't want to go.
I am building our relationship
our trust
our bond
our love
our safety net
now.
And if I don't, tomorrow isn't available to me.

"If I am here for the my test was harder than I thought
then you will come to me with the it hurts to go to school."

I blinked and he was three and she was six.
It's true, it is a blink of an eye.
And so, I will blink again and she will be 12
and he will be 15
she will have friends she wants to talk to
she will have pain
he will be faced with so much peer pressure
and so many difficult decisions
and she will be leaving for school
and worried about that party
and he will be going to prom
and worried about getting home
and she will be getting an apartment
and worried about making it all work
and he will be getting married
and worried that she really is going to be there, forever
and she will be starting her life, her world, her family,
and he will be living really far away,
and neither will be in this house turned home.

Because that is the way it is supposed to go.
That is the way life cycles.
Because tomorrow happens so quickly and if I don't put in my time with you now
you won't trust me then.
If you feel like you are always in trouble
you will keep things from me, because it is not worth it.
If you feel like you aren't safe to share your heart
you won't.
If you feel like your voice isn't heard
you will stop talking.
If you feel like I am not paying attention
you will learn that it doesn't matter to me.

Tomorrow isn't promised,
this is my life.
You are my life,
and it's messy
and stressful
and there is always something wrong
a fire that needs to be put out
and I have to figure out how to fit it all in
and I have to put you, us, this, first.

Because I am not living for tomorrow, this is my life.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on present.
Go.

I always feel I need to be present to make you feel important.
But the truth is, my presence also makes you feel safe.
It makes you feel like you are heard,
like your voice matters.
Like the distracted mom doesn't have her mind somewhere else.
I am here, with you and for you.
I am here, standing strong with you.
And I know, deep in my soul, that if I am here for the little things turned big in your mind,
you will feel like I am here for the big things we can turn little later.
And the best part, I don't need to know all of the answers.
I just need to be your ear.
The one you feel you can turn to to say almost anything.
The one you feel so comfortable and not judged by.
Because if I am here, with you now, I will be there with you then.
If I am here for the "she picked on me"
If I am here for the "he hurt me"
If I am here for the "my teacher said the funniest thing today"
If I am here for the "my test was harder than I thought"
If I am here for the "lunch and recess were so much fun"
then you will come to me with the "he broke up with me"
then you will come to me with the "it hurts to go to school"
then you will come to me with the "I feel like I have no friends"
then you will come to me with the "this is where I want to go to college"
then you will come to me with the "I hurt" or the "I feel great" or the "I need a good cry right now".

Because this mom won't judge
won't be distracted
won't be missing from your life.
This mom is here, present with you.
So you are always safe, with me.

Stop

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on time.
Go.

It's precious.
It's what we all want, what we all covet, what we all try to protect.
It's how we define what is important,
what we make a priority.
And that's because it is all so limited.
Not just today and what needs to get done, but in this world, this little life, time is so so limited.

And when you already feel like you never have enough,
you're already so desperate for more
when you need more
when it's all unraveling because there just isn't enough time
life always seems to throw something else at you and screams at you to find a little more to give.
Until you are empty.
Until those you love and adore are begging you to make it stop.
Until those you love and adore are telling you it's all too much and you have to find a way out of your awful.
Until the universe screams at you
to stop.
Just stop.
Redefine your priorities.
Redefine what you spend your time on.
Remember your promise of a simple life.
Remember your smile.
Remember that time defines you.
It defines who you choose to spend it with.
It defines who and what you want to be important in your life.
It defines what matters.
So stop wasting it.
Stop wasting it on have tos.
Stop wasting it on hurt and past mistakes and regret.

Because time is just so precious.

Stop.

Busy.
Distracted.
Annoyed.
Striving.
Determined.
Frustrated.
Intense.
On the verge.
Angry.
Harsh face.
Harsh words.
No smile.
I fear that's how you will remember me.
I fear that's all I will leave with you,
all you will take away from our time together.
Instead of remembering our hugs,
our warmth
our snuggles
our time together in which we really really get it right.

And so, I will start slowly.
To develop, create and lead a more simple life.

One in which I let the rain come pouring down and in.
One in which I realize there are and will continue to be bad times, bad days,
but that's okay.
I will allow them to come pouring in too.
Because there is another side.
An end.
And sometimes you have to truly and completely feel the bad to realize how good this little life is.

I will not live my life for another day.
I will slowly become present.
I will slowly stop regretting the past.
I will slowly stop worrying about the future.
I will slowly lead a simple life.

This will be enough, this simple life will be enough.
The best is not yet to come.
The best is now.
No more waiting for the chaos to stop.
No more waiting for things to be different.
No more wishing time, this time, this day/week/month away.
No more wishing my life away.
I will slowly lead a simple life.

It's when I slow down when I really start living.
It's when I remember to smile, remember the important moments.
It's when moments happen.
It's when this happens...

Because what point is there in wondering what will become
of me
of life
of careers
of family.
Why hang my head in fear, confusion, worry, always worry.
There are and will continue to be bad times, and that's okay.
Time is short, but that's okay.
My time is now.

And so, I will start.
I will start slow and accept my personal challenges.
I will realize I cannot change all at once.
I will hush the confusion and the loud.
I will hush the worry and want.
I will calm the storm and quiet the concern.
And I will slowly lead a simple life.

I will slow down, I will breathe you in, because you are always enough.
I will show you simple, and the joys all around us, and end each day with love, because that is enough.
I will look at the starry night and it will be enough.
I will breathe in the air on a family walk, and listen to what you find, what you have to say,
because you are always enough.
I will not abandon you, I will be there, present with you, and I will be enough.
We will sing as we head out the door in the morning, it won't have to be a rush, and it will be enough.
I will put my phone away for dinner, it will be just us, and the quiet will bring about conversation.
I will look at you when we are talking.
Because your stories are important. And I will treat them as such because you are enough.
And one day, I hope you realize, I am always here to listen.
We will read together as many times a week as possible, it will be our time, our thing, and it will be enough.
I will list three favorite parts of my day, every day to you both.
I will explain in detail why they were my favorite, why they were enough for me today.
Together, we will create a gratitude journal, we will add to it daily, we will read it together when we need a reminder of love and how fortunate we are, and it will be enough for our hearts.
I will leave you a love note in your lunch or for when you wake up and I am not there.
A note to tell you that today, this morning, now, I am with you now and I really love you, you are enough.
I will find ways to say yes instead of no.
I will stop saying stop.
I will let you climb and move and move and move.
Because you need movement, because you need to find out what your own boundaries are.
Because you need to figure out what is enough for you.
We will continue our do overs and we will start the moment over when we need to. Everyone deserves a second chance.
I will have you set the agenda, what do you want to do right now? Your choice, you decide, I am all yours
and I will be enough.
I will play with you, I will have time for you, I am enough for you.
When I put you to sleep, I will thank you for finding me. You are always more than enough.
I will go on runs with you, we will build your endurance, help you to listen to your body to slow down and find your pace. You will come to realize how important it is to take care of your body, how good it feels to be good to you, because we are enough.
Dates, talking dates, dates about our future, dates with our kids, we will all start dating each other.
Because when life is simple,
when it is calm,
peaceful
joyous
clean
happy and content for what I have, not what I am striving for,
I am enough for you
you are enough for me.

This will be enough, this simple life will be enough.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on first.
Go

It's the first of the year.
It's time for fresh starts and new beginnings.
It's time to see what the year has in store for us,
or,
more accurately, what we have in store for us.
Every January starts out fresh, but one or two weeks in, I start to feel the same old same old.
The wash and repeat of life.
The weight on my shoulders, on my mind.
How difficult day to day can be.
How added stress is just enough to send me tipping over.

This January isn't much different.
Work is starting off hectic and I already feel behind.
My balance is out of wack.
All I want is peace, but I can't seem to find it.
Find the right state of mind to tackle all I have to do and find more energy for additional stresses.
However, here is my first...
I am not letting January define my year.
I know it's just a month of worry and concern and chaos and stress.
But, you will not be the definition of my year,
you will not define all of me.
I will not wish you away, no matter the misery.
I will not wish this time away.
I will manage because I have to.
I will find a way to rest because I have to.
I will find a way to get it all done because I have to.
I will find a way to put my arms around you and apologize for all of my harsh behavior this week,
because I have to.
I will find a way to gentle, because I have to.
I will find your gentle, because I have to.
And, for the first time,
for my first time,
I will find me, my peace, my smile,
in the month of new beginnings.

Stop.