Childhoodtake2!

For a month, you would come out of your room and see a new note on your bedroom door.
I would get questions like
"what does this one say mom"? or even more heartbreaking, "mom, did you forget one today?"
This, was our month of love...

I love you because you share your feelings.
I love you because you are strong and #StrongIsTheNewPretty so you, are GORGEOUS!
I love you because you like riding your bike, with me!
I love you because you like to spend time with us.
I love you because you look like me and dad.
I love you because you love to write...just like me!
I love you because you work really hard at school.
I love you because you love to read!
I love you because you try, always. You always try!
I love you because you are filled with joy.
I love you because you are brave and lean new things.
I love you because you love to laugh.
I love you because you are learning to be a good friend.
I love you because you talk to me and tell me things.
I love you because you like to snuggle.
I love you because family movie night is very important to you!
I love you because you try and tell the truth.
I love you because you need and love pancake Sunday.
I love you because you adore the water.
I love you because you still grab my hand.
I love you because you really do love your brother.
I love you because you want to make us proud, and happy.
I love you because you are ready to tackle your part of the world, independently.
I love you because you made me a better person, you made me a mom.
I love you because you are capable, and important.
I love you because you have my personality, and I get you.
I love you because you made me believe in happily ever after.
I love you because you love.

I love you because you love you climb!
I love you because you love PJ days!
I love you because you you love your dad...to the moon and back, no really.
I love you because you say "I love you" a lot!
I love you because you love to eat!
I love you because you are so silly!
I love you because you give great hugs!
I love you because you love sports.
I love you because you love coffee!
I love you because you love to play.
I love you because you have no fears, none.
I love you because you give me "little guy" smooches!
I love you because you are working really hard on leading and being a big boy!
I love you because you work hard on being gentle and kind in school.
I love you because you love our nighttime routine.
I love you because you need sleep.
I love you because you have my curls.
I love you because you have dad's eyes too.
I love you because you want to do it, all by yourself.
I love you because you were my one and only love at first sight.
I love you because you still enjoy a good tickle fight.
I love you because you have your dad's personality.
I love you because you have so much energy, you keep me on my toes little man!
I love you because you when I say "I eat you up I love you so" you say "mommy's sweet and low!"
I love you because you tell me you need a hug when you are upset.
I love you because you reach for us and still want to be scooped up.
I love you because you are dad's buddy, forever and always.
I love you because you love.

I love you because you believe in us.
I love you because you will never give up.
I love you because you always call me out on my fears.
I love you because you were the first person to believe in me, more than I believed in myself.
I love you because you know I am crazy, and you're okay with that.
I love you because you are crazy too.
I love you because you understand how important it is to find a more gentle way.
I love you because you made me accidentally fall in love with you.
I love you because you still love to hold my hand.
I love you because you let me snuggle in at night, even when I am freezing cold.
I love you because you still excite my heart.
I love you because you have the greatest smile.
I love you because you make me a better person.
I love you because you are willing to keep fighting for them, for us.
I love you because you created this...Our 10 year anniversary!
I love you because you remind me to be more simple and slow down.
I love you because you know why I need to be in constant control.
I love you because you let me unravel, and you put me back together.
I love you because you have the kind of heart I want our kids to have.
I love you because you have natural joy.
I love you because you wear bow ties.
I love you because you still want to date me.
I love you because of your hugs.
I love you because I need you to sleep.
I love you because you have gorgeous eyes and therefore, so do our kids.
I love you because watching you with Cole is pretty great.
I love you because you always apologize first, because you want the fight to be over.
I love you because you love.

So during this special month of love
I need you to know why.
Why I love you from your head down to your toes.
Why I constantly hug and smooch you.
When I can never get close enough.
I love you because you mean love
you define it.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on morning.
Go.

Most mornings, dad is in charge.
It is dad that gets you ready for the day.
It is dad that settles arguments on what to wear.
It is dad that brushes teeth, hair, wipes faces.
It is dad that gets breakfast ready and gives you that final kiss as he too runs out the door.

In the morning, I start work before you are even thinking about getting up, before the sun gets up.
Even on the days that I work from home, it is dad that is in charge, I am an observer from the other room.

And soon after my revelation of how I needed to change my parenting,
soon after I realized how much more damage we were creating and how we all needed to be softer,
well, mornings now have a wonderful dance, with a quiet song.
There is less yelling, because I cannot have you getting on a bus with that on your heart.
There is less pressure, because who needs more pressure first thing?
There is less rushing, because if we miss the bus, there are other options.
There is more time, because we focus on what is actually important,
like food
and quiet reading time
and snuggles
and laughter
we start the day with laughter.

Because this is what sets the remainder of my day.
You, you always get over situations much more quickly, much more healthy, much more ready to move on.
But pain, yelling, a harsh morning, I carry that with me all day long.
I carry the look on your face, all day long.
I carry the impact of another painful morning, all day long.

And so now, our mornings are full of gentle kindness,
most of the time,
because we are not perfect.
But we are trying,
we are for you
and for us.

Because I do see every morning as another chance
a chance to start with love
to be soft
to be your beginning.

Stop.

Perfectly imperfect.
That's our entire life
our entire world.
It's our whole story.
Perfectly imperfect.

From the moment you got down on one knee
and in my shock, disbelief and fright,
said no.
And I yelled,
and then we cried
and hugged
hard.
Perfectly imperfect is who we are.

Just like when we thought we could take on every stress,
every situation,
pile it all on,
like we always do.
And it got to us,
like it always does,
and we lost sight of all that was important...
us.
Just us.
But just like we always do, we came back,
and cried
and hugged
hard.
Perfectly imperfect is who we are.

Just like when we thought we knew all about how we were going to parent.
We, I, figured out every scenario and tried to reason a way out of the situation.
And you told me to let go and just give it a chance.
And in the end,
it's the best thing we have ever done.
No matter the stress
hardship
exhaustion
difficulty.
We created the two most amazing people on earth,
the best people I know.
And we cry
and we hug
hard.
Perfectly imperfect is who we are.

Just like when our kids always have a messy face
but they take my OCD away because they are just happy that they ate something yummy.
Just like the house always has stuff and little things everywhere
but they remind me how much fun they had today.
Just like when I feel like there is no way to get it all done,
but we always find a way.

We fight
but we love...
each other, them, our lives.
We get so annoyed
but we always touch toes,
and hold hands and on to each other...
to find us.
We yell
but we guide...
and above all, we are working on being more gentle.
We make so many mistakes
and we (I) regret all of them for sure.
We (I) hold on to our mistakes for so long.
We (I) feel as though I have made a mistake that will forever damage,
but I (we) learn.
We learn from all of them.
We are tired
but have to have more energy,
more give
find more to give.
We are weak
but have more weight to carry.
We are hard
but have to be soft and loving.
We are spent,
but have to find time, love and attention.
Perfectly imperfect is who we are.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on forget.
Go.

There isn't much I forget.
Most days, moments, memories, they all stay with me.
And I can play them back in my mind,
like watching my life on a screen.
I remember what people were wearing, where we were exactly, I can quote conversations.
The years don't wash them away,
time doesn't make anything fade for me.

And so, I remember all of you.
From positive pregnancy test in my hand, to dot on the screen, to birth, to today,
I remember all of you.
I am your past,
your scrapbook,
your keepsake of all things precious to you in this time.
I remember your first words
when you first walked
what you wore the first day of school.
I remember our nights that blend into weeks.
I remember homework assignments, and watching you play ball.
I remember your funny side
your anger and frustrations
I remember what made you tick
what set you off
what made you smile
what made love spill out of you.

I remember every moment that started you
I remember each contraction
each emotion.

I remember who bought you certain outfits
for what occasion
and why that's special.

You are all wrapped up in me,
your keepsake of all things wonderful, or not.
Your keepsake of all things joyful, or not.
Your keepsake of all things, your entire childhood is here.

You will never vanish.
You will never be forgotten.
You will never be unimportant.

So turn to me,
for your history.
Turn to me,
for your significance.
Turn to me,
when you're feeling that no one cares, and you don't matter.

You are all wrapped up in me, because I never forget.

Stop.

There is a spot inside of me.
We can call it small
We can call it large.
But it is where you began
and it holds every memory of you.
From the very beginning,
to today,
it is all of you.

And I cannot help but actually feel it's presence.
I feel it growing,
each time you have a new anything,
it grows with you.

And there are times that it physically hurts.
Because change and time and moving on and moving forward
all cause me some pain.
And there are times that it physically heals.
Because change and time and moving on and moving forward
all cause life to heal.
And there are times it is filled with so many tantrums that I cannot exist.
And there are times it is filled with so much wonderful you that I cannot control the joy.

What happens to you, happens to me.
That is just fact so let me say it again,
what happens to you, happens to me.
And in this spot, is where I hold it.
In this spot is where I feel the pain, the frustration, the joy, the love spill over.

I carried your heart, your being in this spot.
You rest your head there now.
I carried your life, your love there.
So rest your fears with me.
I carried your soul, your good, your tired, your limbs.
So rest your doubts with me.

I cannot wash you away.
I cannot forget your moments.
I cannot simply let you go.
We have always been connected.
We have always been together.
And it won't always be this way.
But for now, I see you as the heart beat on the screen.
I see you as the infant I nourished and rocked.
I see you as the toddler I watched waddle.
I see you as the baby that needed and wanted me.
I see you as the preschooler I dropped off
and the little peanut I put on a bus.

Because every part of you, started there and so every part of you remains, deep with me,
in this spot
that is forever ours.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on limit.
Go.

We all have our limit don't we?
A place, a time, a moment in which we finally say enough!
But, what happens when you reach your limit and keep going?
What happens when all of you says enough and you ignore all of the signs, all of the alarm bells,
and just keep going?
What happens when your body is telling you to stop and you don't listen?
What happens when your soul is begging for self care and you ask it to keep quiet?
What happens when you think everything else is more important, than you?
What happens when you honestly think you are the only one that can do it all and you forget that ask for the desperate help you need?
What happens when it all unravels?
I am proof that without fail, when your limit is reached,
when you have had and done enough,
but you keep pushing and going and doing and moving and striving and fighting...
your limit will win.
You will fail
it will breakdown
you, will breakdown.
Because the warning signs are just the beginning,
the feeling of too tired
the feeling of being confused
not finding the right words
everything being foggy
falling asleep at the drop of a hat
losing your patience, your temper, your love,
that's all just the beginning.
If you keep going, it always gets worse.
You start to not recognize yourself.
Your anger becomes all of you.
You become the most childish version of who you could be.
You snap, at everyone and everything.
You cry, more than usual.
You hate, you actually hate.

So listen,
listen well.
Your limit is there
it is telling you, enough.

Stop.

The sound of your little voice asking if anyone wants to play with you.
The sound of your feet hitting the ground at 7am like an alarm clock
and then the actual pitter patter noise you make when you walk.
The sound of "I love you mom".
Hugs, your loving arms around around my neck.
How your body folds into mine when I scoop you up and you are ready to go back to bed.
The, "will you do this puzzle with me?"
The, "I want to help to!"
The, "can I do my homework with you guys?"
The cries and screams that come running down your face when you are hurt and looking for me.
The excitement when you hear the garage door go up and you play "hide and seek" with dad.
The way you remind me so much of dad, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the glorious!
You make magic and I don't tell you this enough, but you made my whole life magical.

The snuggles in bed.
The time we get to spend reading together.
The, "can I help you?"
The, "can I do my homework while you work mom?"
The way you fold into me on the couch during family movie night.
The way you hold my hand.
The way our rituals are so so important to you too and how devastated you are when they don't happen.
The way you remind me so much of me, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the glorious!
The way you talk to me, about your day, and all that's happened.
The way you look when you come running down the stairs in the morning, so happy to see me!
The first part of the day hugs.
The way you run back to give me one last squeeze before getting on the bus.
The way you tell me your feelings.
The way friends make you feel.
The way you take care of him.
The way I sense that you know this time together is so fleeting, and you are trying to drink it in too.
You make magic and I don't tell you this enough, but you made my whole life magical.

The fact that when you watch TV, you both sit in front of the fire place, just like me.
Sometimes, when you guys play, you are the definition of love.
When you read together.
When we are all piled on the couch.
When "olive juice" comes so naturally.
When we are getting it right, focused on us.
When we are the definition of a family.
When we are building a happy childhood.
You make magic and I don't tell you this enough, but you made my whole life magical.

Because I don't tell you...enough.
I tell you all of the time how exhausting this journey is.
I tell you all of the time how tired I am.
I tell you all of the time how how and why I am cranky.
I tell you all of the time how I need you to listen more.
But, I don't tell you enough that
you gave me my second chance...
at a childhood
at life
at happy
at beauty
at healthy
at positive
at love.
I don't tell you enough that
you inspire me
you got me writing again
you make me laugh
and smile.
I don't tell you enough
how much I think about you when we're not together
how much I love making you smile
how much I treasure your childhood
how important you both are.
I don't tell you enough that you make magic and
I don't tell you this enough, but you made my whole life magical.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on quiet.
Go.

On you
and your words
and your development
and your milestones
and your stories
and our time together.
Our short and very limited time together.
On what is important.

Instead I get distracted.
And I am focused on lists
and have tos
and to dos
and work
and careers
and cleaning
and organizing
and putting it all away
and finding time.

Until I'm not.
Until I turn it off
and I find you
I find us
we sit
we snuggle
we hold hands
we whisper our feelings
I see you smile and burst with love.
Until your hair is flapping in your face
and curls are stuck to your head
and happy is all around us.
Simple happy
simple sort of life happy.

And that is the ultimate balance of life.
Especially in a type A introverted mother.
What to focus on because
it is the balance in finding peace in the organized and the quiet
it is the balance of focusing on your childhood and my love of work
it is the balance of go and do, and sit and be
it is the balance of teaching you how to do and teaching you the importance of how to be
it is the balance of focusing on the have tos and all of us.

Stop.