Childhoodtake2!

Boring.
Comfortable us.

That is how most would describe our love.
Looking in, most would think that we are so bland.
Too comfortable.
Boring.
Comfortable us.

Because like all parents,
we work hard to make this work.
Like all parents,
we figure this out together.
Like all parents,
Sunday night comes with a sense of dread...
the start of a new week
all balls in the air
will one get sick
will one need to pull us out
will everyone at daycare be okay to take him
will school and all the extras get worked out
And like all parents,
it somehow works itself out, just because it has to.

Boring.
Comfortable us.

Because like all parents, our lives are full of a lot of have tos.
A lot of things for them.
And our love, it looks boring.
And although we may think it looks different,
different than it once did,
it really doesn't.

Because the truth is, we were never the romance all around us couple.
We were never a whirlwind.
We were always the comfortable couple.
Comfortable to love you
easy
fell into us right away.
Family, from the start.
We were always us, even in the very beginning.
Our best moments were movies and movies and more movies.
Nights on the couch,
watching anything,
close,
popcorn,
touching toes.

Boring.
Comfortable us.

And so, although there is so much more on our plates
at the end of the day, we still find our comfort.
We always find us.
Still on that couch
long day behind us
all have tos put away
still close
still with popcorn
still, touching toes
still us.

Boring.
Comfortable us.

And our "I love yous" they are still said.
And although there are times they sound different,
with you getting them ready in the morning and ready for bed
with me handling after school and homework
with both of us balancing their stuff
and our stuff
and work
and the house,
they are still said.
Sometimes they are said by me getting up in the dark, so I can be there after school.
Sometimes they are said by a house project being complete and you waiting for my reaction to your hard work.
Sometimes they are said by one realizing the other needs to step away.
Sometimes they are said by you accepting how many races I need a year,
how many miles I want to accomplish.
Sometimes they are said with our family swims, or bike rides.
Sometimes they are said by piling around the island, gorging on pancakes.
But there is a lot of how we have always said it.
We still say "I love you" by holding hands.
And hugs,
and smooches,
and touching,
and connecting,
and toes,
and warmth,
and finding a nook.

Boring.
Comfortable us.

And there are times that in the fog of parenting, we get lost.
In the fog of life, we get lost.
In the fog of jobs and careers, we get lost.
But our compass brings us back.
Home.
To boring
to comfortable us
to us
to family.
To right where we are.
Because "we found love right where we are".

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on alive.
Go.

The sound of your heartbeat.
The little speck on the screen.
Your first cry, wail into the world.
The sound of your soft breathing
and the gentle rise and fall of your chest.

When you reach and grab for my hand, making you look so small and big at the same time.
The little man smooches,
the sweet girl kissing noses.
When the phone rings and I see that it's you, the way it sends flutters to my heart,
all these years later.
The sound of my feet hitting the pavement,
taking one step closer to the end of that run.
The way my body feels so awkward in the water, but I am so happy I took that time to learn how to swim.
The gentle rise and fall of my own breath.
The confidence that comes from knowing your life goals.

When I see you and we both realize it's family movie night
the excitement of hearing you ask if you can join me on that run.
Your happy face
your genuine laugh.
Our reading dates.

The still checking on your breath in the middle of the night,
realizing you will forever be my baby.
The way music fills my soul
and how all of it
all of this
it all makes me feel so alive.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on surprise.
Go.

I went into parenting with eyes wide open.
I always knew that it was not going to be a pampers commercial.
I always knew the first year of life would be the easiest, the less amount of parenting.
I knew once toddlers were here, the rough of it all was quick to follow.
The making decision.
The actual parenting.
Decision that would impact you, impact how you viewed the world.
The talking,
the talking back,
the walking,
the running,
the running away,
the tantrums,
the sass.
I knew I would trade it bottles for time outs.
I knew I would trade in diapers for frustration.
I knew that the longer hours I got to sleep, the more tire I would be,
I knew that exhaustion came with the deal.

But, my biggest surprise was how much good there is.
My biggest surprise is finding my childhood,
in you.
My second chance, wrapped up in little.
My biggest surprise is how much I love this.
God, I love being a mom, I adore being your mom.
I thought all of it would be "have tos" and there are many of those.
I thought all of it would be heartache, and there is plenty of that.
I thought all of it would be fear
and worry
and anxiety
and concern.
Yes, there is much of that.

Who would have guessed there would be this much love?
Who would have known that I love to watch you sleep?
Who would have known that I would fall in love, harder, every day.
Who would have guessed all of the pride?
Who would have guessed all of the traditions?
Who would have known I needed you?
Who would have realized that you saved me?

It's such a surprise.
I love loving you.
I love being your mom.
Thank you for the surprise of my life.

Stop.

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start right now." —Harry Burns, When Harry Met Sally...

March 16th 2005.
Not a special day or night.
If anything, it was the opposite.
I had a rough day,
you had a different idea of how to turn it around.

All these years, I have thought of our proposal as "not a great story".
There was very little romance,
very little planning,
all,
100% all us.

And then, someone I know through my daughter's old school lost his bride.
Lost the love of his life.
And I have been following his journey of healing and of trying to live on without her.
And on their last anniversary, he wrote about the day he proposed.
How excited he was, how nervous, how anxious.
And as he was down on one knee, they both realized that he was standing next to a dumpster.
And they laughed hard about this moment.
And then he quoted one of my favorite lines in one of my favorite movies
"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start right now."

All of these years, that is what you have been trying to say.
All of these years when I tell our story, I shoot you a look.
A look that says, it was kind of a mess.
A look that says I thought you were kidding.
A look that says I was so upset.
A look that says I thought you were just trying to make me laugh.
A look that says I misread the whole situation.
A look that says you tried so hard to convince me.
A look that says it wasn't planned.
A look that says it was thrown together.
You have tried and tried to put that exact wording together.
You have said things like, the ring was burning a hole in my pocket.
I just needed to get it out,
it didn't matter that you were having a bad day
it didn't matter that I didn't have it planned
it didn't matter that it was thrown at you
I just needed to ask you because
"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start right now."

And it took this, it took me reading the words of a man who lost what we have for me to finally hear you.
"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start right now."

We have been through the easy
the it is just so easy to love you
you just make me a better person.
We have been through the horrible...
doctors visits that make you think, how can this be happening?
jobs and finding careers
fear of no money.
All of it, easy times to love, easy to count on each other.
We have been through the everyday of love.
Which means we have been through the hard
of careers
and homes
and living in chaos
and worry
and raising tiny humans
aging parents
and circumstances
and tiring moments
and exhaustion.
But, we always come home.

I have told you how our love is like a compass.
How it leads us back to our home.
Where we belong.
So we can spend the rest of our lives
together.

Yes, I would say yes all over again.
Yes, even knowing what is ahead.
Yes, I still love you, more than when it was easy
or horrible.
Yes, I will always pick you
so thanks for asking me.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on share.
Go.

It is no secret that I would have stayed pregnant with you both forever.
It is no secret that I did not want to share you with the world.
It is no secret that I cherished every second of holding you from the inside.
It is no secret that when you were making your way out to us, I turned to dad and said
"I'm not ready".
I'm not ready to let her go,
I'm not ready to be a mom,
I'm not ready to give him up,
I'm not ready for the part of my life to be over,
I'm not ready to share them,
I just need more time.

And that is how our story started and that is where we still are today.
I am never ready for you
and your next steps
and all you can do.
You are pushing me,
out of my comfort zone
out of my routine
out of my mind
because it does not matter if I am ready, just that you are.
And you have always been.

You have always been ready to share this world.
You have always been ready to share yourself,
your heart
your mind
you.
You have always been ready to share you.

And so, there is still this flicker of time that I still get, just us five, snuggled in.
Before life becomes all chaos.
There is still this brief pause, this moment that is hanging in the air.
Where I get to share in all of our sweet moments,
I get to relish in every memory we are creating.
This time in which I am sharing you, but I still get the majority of you.
But tomorrow it will change again,
and you will remind me that ready or not mom,
it's time to let you go
it's time to share you again.

Stop.

The other day, as I was saying good night to you, I made mention that you don't come in to snuggle as much on the weekends and how much I miss it.
How much I miss holding you and feeling you fall back to sleep, or lay quiet next to me.
You told me how you missed it too, and you weren't sure why you didn't anymore.
And it must have stayed with you,
because the very next day,
you woke up early and came to my room and just as I was about to say, "it's not time yet"
you asked if you could snuggle.
Like we did before.
I can't miss this.
I can't not be here for these moments of tender and gentle love.

The other night, you appeared again.
It was 3am and you woke me up with a whisper "mom, I need a hug".
And all of a sudden, after four straight days,
I was so worried this was our new norm.
Would I be woken up from now on to "mom I need a hug" at 2 or 3 or 4.
But, there is no "from now on" with kids is there?
It's all fleeting
and what one day was something that we did all of the time,
the next becomes something we once did.
I can't miss this.
I can't not be here for these moments of tender and gentle love.

I was watching a mother daughter shop for a dress, for a big school dance.
I was watching her ask for help with putting it on, her face anxiously awaiting what her mom thought.
And all I could think was, what will we be like when we get here?
Will we still be close?
Will you want me there?
Will you look/want to see what I think?
Will I be a part of this with you, more than just handing over payment, will you still let me be a part of you?
I can't miss this.
I can't not be here for these moments of tender and gentle love.

I have been thinking so much about who you will be.
How much of this energy will you have?
Will you always love all sports this much?
Will it forever be your whole world?
Will you always and forever love and count on and need and want and adore your dad?
Will you always be this loud?
Will BOY shout out of every single pore of you always?
Will you always want to hug?
Will you always be loving?
I can't miss this.
I can't not be here for these moments of tender and gentle love.

Before we know it,
it will all be memories.
Memories of good, bad, glorious, rough, tiring, energy, love, frustration, and more love.
We will look back and we will laugh,
we will shake our heads and wonder how we got through it.
You won't remember any of the details,
I will remember every.single.one.
You will ask, how do you remember that?
I will say, because it's me, and it's what I do.
And because I can't miss this.
I can't not be here for these moments of tender and gentle love.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on news.
Go.

The news that I met him.
The news that he asked me.
The news that we walked down the aisle.
The news that we found jobs, careers and bought our first and forever home.
The news that she was coming
and then that she was here.
The news she was going to be a big sister
and that he was here.
The news of the house, all of the renovations.
The news of people getting ill, diseases being diagnosed.
It seems as though we are always announcing something.
Some big, exciting news.
Or news of tragedy, news of pain.

But, the announcements, the news of big, of exciting, even of tragedy and hurt,
that's not the everyday.
The everyday is the boring.
The everyday is the mundane.
The everyday is the real.
The everyday is the place where you have to find your humor
your love
your energy
your tired bones have to keep moving in the everyday.

The news, it's all very exciting, it's all about the roller-coaster ride of life.
But real life, real everyday is in the small moments of love.
"The book of love is long and boring"
and that is where you find courage
hope
love
exhaustion
you
them
us
family.

Stop.