Childhoodtake2!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on pass.
Go.

I just have to get to the end of...
this week
this month
this event
this budget cycle
this meeting
this part.
Until it hits me, and it's always a hard hit,
I am watching my entire life pass me by.
I am just wishing it away.

It's happening less frequently now, I am much more aware.
As soon as I hear the words escaping I immediately take them back.
Because, this is my life.
These are our days, weeks and months.
This is what it all looks like.
The glorious, the gorgeous, the worried, the exhaustion, the work, the piles, the to dos.
This, all of this life, is ours
and I will no longer be a passerby.

No longer will I say "pass" to their request for my time, my attention, my motherhood.
No longer will we pass by a fun activity and I hope you didn't see it.
I want to be a part of this life, with each and every single one of you.
I want to be a part of this life, with you.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on unite.
Go.

There is a lot of separation lately,
a lot of us are divided.
And even in my own head, I want space, I want to disconnect, I want to run and separate from the group.
And my fear is that my little faces see that.
They see and can feel that I'm not all here, I'm not united with them, we aren't connecting.
My patience is thin, I am just plain blue.
And it's not their fault, or any one person's fault.
Once again, it's my reaction to the world, it's how I take in, process and react to information.
It's how I crumble.

And this week starts a break together.
A trip, family time, lots of excitement, god, she is thrilled with every aspect of it.
And I promise you both, little faces, we will unite again.
Mom will find herself again, she will come back.
Because by separating, the cycle starts.
The one where his crying is unbearable
the one where her temper is out of control,
the one where I don't recognize any of us.
That's what happens when we all aren't in it together.
The separation makes it easier to be cold
unloving
unforgiving
unkind.
Instead, I will unite with the ones that I love and leave the blue, the sad, the angst, behind.
I pick you
I pick love
I pick together and I will reunite
with my family.

Stop.

I don't believe in soul mates.
I don't believe that every pot finds its lid.
I don't believe that you always find who you are "meant" to be with.
I don't believe in "meant" to be with.
But, I believe in you.
I believe in family,
I believe that love can fix broken.
I believe in working for us
because I believe that you are perfect for me
and I believe in us.

I didn't believe in love at first sight.
I didn't believe that you should build a life on that first look.
I didn't believe it even existed.
Until I saw a little man that we created.
Until they placed him in my arms
until I gave him a kiss and said, hi, I'm your mom...
Until he looked at me, and thought that I was his moon and stars.
Until I heard him call you his buddy.
Until I felt him hug me tight.
I believe in working for us
because I believe that you are perfect for me
and I believe in us.

I didn't believe in happily ever after.
I didn't believe in happy endings.
I didn't believe it was possible and only happened in fairy tale movies.
I didn't believe in fairy tale movies.
Until I met a little girl that reminded me what happy is.
Until I fell hard, so hard, for a face that looked just like dad's.
Until she grabs my hand when we are walking, and gives it a kiss.
Until she opens up about her day in the most mysterious of places.
Until she loves to snuggle.
Until I hear how important our traditions are to her.
Until I see how much she loves us, all over her face.
I believe in working for us
because I believe that you are perfect for me
and I believe in us.

I didn't believe in family.
I didn't believe my childhood could be recreated.
I didn't believe I would ever see past hurt, anger.
Until I met you all.
And you took away my hard edge.
Until you created soft
and second chances
and joy
and laughter
and so many arguments that build and tear down and rebuild again.

I believe in our perfectly imperfect family.
I believe in our faults, in our mistakes.
I believe in our love, in our desire to keep going.
I believe we are a fit, that we fit, that we always fit, that we were and are and will always be family.
I believe in us,
I believe that you are what is perfect for me
and I believe in us.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on easy.
Go.

I cannot think of one single time in my life, in which something was easy.
I cannot imagine taking the easy way out.
I don't know what it feels like to not make everything too hard,
to not earn something in the hardest way possible.
Not to work and fight and battle to get what I wanted to achieve.
And, along the way,
I have met so many amazing people who work so smart,
not hard.
Who know their stuff, know their value, know their worth, know their potential.
And so, there is no need for any of it to be hard, life can be a little easy.

My success, my life, my drive, all comes with hard.
Hard work
hard shell
hard headed
hard to please
hard to get to
hard to understand
hard.

And then, one day, I realized I am only making it hard for me.
I am making life harder than it has to be.
I am in control of the ease, I have to find my rhythm, my groove, my calm, my ease.
Yes, you have to work hard for what you want
yes, you have to fight to accomplish your vision
yes, life can be full of difficult and fog.
But, you can find pockets of ease, in which life unfolds, and you allow it to happen.
You allow it to see where it takes you.

Because when you let go of that control
when you put down your fighting gloves
when you allow life to comfort you,
that's where parts of amazing can happen.
Where you can find your second chance.
Where you can find happy
and childhood
and laughter
and joy...
simple, comforting, wonderful, worth living for,
easy joy.

Stop.

Parenthood.
It's never really described as gorgeous.
Or fancy.
It's never really seen for the beauty that lies within.
Because so much of it is ugly
and not glamours.
And so many moments are spent unwashed
teeth into it
exhausted.
So many moments are spent with your feet on crumbs,
picking up and distributing piles, never really putting them away.
So much of it is an exhaustion that leaves you feeling so unattractive,
so gross
so old
so dirty
so so unattractive.
There are days when you are filling up cereal bowls
and washing away dishes and more dishes
and making beds
and wiping faces
and bums
and noses.
There are days of dinner
and clean ups
and spills
and old doggies that make mistakes
and toddlers that have accidents
and yelling that hurts.
It's an ordinary life
filled with ordinary moments
but it's so far from ordinary.
Because there is beauty here.
There is true, raw, gorgeous beauty.
Glamour, no.
Fancy, no.
Sophisticated, no.
But beauty, oh my god yes.
Because you are creating moments, that fill days, that spill into weeks, that become months that after you blink are years and years...
in which you created a life.
Their life
a life for you
your life
you are creating a life.
And how can that be anything but glorious and gorgeous.
And it all matters.
The moments wrapped together on the couch,
the moments laughing
the ones crying
the moments building
even the moments that tear us down.
They are all so beautiful.
Fill your heart until your memories run down your face beautiful.
Your time,
their time
you're creating a life
how gorgeous is it.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on whole.
Go.

There isn't a thing you can add to your life
that will make you whole.
If you are feeling incomplete
like your parts are not adding up
there isn't a person in this world that can fix that.
This is the one thing in life that you need to take care of,
all by yourself.
If you rely on your precious little faces,
what happens when they start their own version of their family?
If you rely on your person, what happens if they leave first?
If you rely on your job, your career, what happens when you finally move on?
How will you be defined, what piece will you feel is now missing?

This is on you.
This is your responsibility.
To fill you full.
To build a life
and to complete yourself.
To find out who you are
what you desire
how you accomplish
how you build yourself.

No person, no home, no job, no amount of money will define you.
No person, no home, no job, no amount of money will make you.
It is up to me,
and me alone.
Because when you are whole,
you are just plain you.

Stop.

The last three years have been difficult.
Trying, long, tiring years.
Cole turned one, started to cry and hasn't stopped.
We renovated our house, while living through the hell.
We have had to 100% stop how we are parenting and find another way.
Jobs have become exhausting in the most brutal of ways.
Life, became daunting.
And I know,
I know this isn't the worst.
Because our little faces are also in their sweet spots.
I know it will become even more exhausting.
I know teenage years will be even more difficult.
I know that figuring out life plans will be even harder.
I know my anxiety cannot always keep up.
I know how much I will miss all of this.

But, we have been through a lot.
In these three little years.
And I think we are starting to see
the other side.

Cole, this little man has taken to school so well.
He is starting to cry less.
He is starting to laugh more.
He is starting to hug, all of the time.
He is becoming who he is.
He is starting to love his life.
He is playing and creative and smart and full of energy that you want to keep up with.
He is love.

Anna, she is back.
Because of us, we came close to losing her this summer.
And we regrouped.
We figured out that it wasn't working.
We found another way.
We waited,
we loved
we put our arms around her and wouldn't let go.
We knew she was in there, and within weeks, she came back.
She is doing well at school.
She is kind, she is gentle.
She is learning about friendships and how to be a good friend.
She is learning to open up.
She is full of hope.
She is full of love.
She is creative and wondrous and smart and loving and full of "I want you to be proud of me and love me".
She loves traditions.
She loves our family time.
She craves it.
But she also loves time with her friends.
She is love.

We are not all of the way there.
We still have very difficult moments.
Not a single one of us is perfect.
We all fall back to old routines of yelling, or frustration.
We all have bad days.
We are human after all.

But, we are learning.
We have found our humor again.
I have found my laugh.
I have found what it feels like to feel joy again.
Joy, pleasant, happy, loving my life joy.
We are growing as a family and we are not giving up.
On us, or each other, or this time.
And, it's true,
time does heal.
Time cures.
Time makes you realize how much you have done
how much you have worked
how much you have sacrificed
how much you have changed
how much you have loved
how much you have fought
how many times you have had to put your fighting gloves down
how many times you have had to take your fighting gloves off
how many times you have chosen love
how much you have given up
how much you have had to find another way
how much you have to let go
how much you still have to go
and how far you have come
to get to the other side.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on decide.
Go.

What to do with your life,
what to do for a life,
what will we all decide?

You weren't my idea.
You will of course find this out.
My fear, it almost stopped me from doing this.
You were his choice, he called me out, he made me believe in all of this.
And I honestly can say...
you were the best decision of my life.
The best part of me,
the best people that I know.

You were the best decision of my life.

Of course it's tough.
Of course I am exhausted.
Of course it's loud.
Of course I am terrified.
Of course I know how much harder it will get.
Of course I, we, will never be the same.
But you were the best decision of my life.

You allow me to feel a certain joy that I didn't know existed.
You made me feel alive.
You brought about a second chance, at childhood and healthy.
You were the best decision of my life.

So while deciding what to do with a life
for to do for a life,
I am just so grateful that he insisted on this.
On us.
On happy.
On childhood.
On love.
You were the best decision of my life.