Childhoodtake2!

That you took my hand and lead me down this path.
That we are on this journey together.
That we are still talking about the importance of us.
That we still care and love us.
That we still smile at each other, and hold hands.

That they make us laugh,
that they make us cry,
that they bring out my crazy,
that they accept my crazy,
that you accept my crazy.

That they are enjoying their life.
That they work hard.
That they understand we don't settle in this house, that we strive for greatness.
That they are healthy,
that they have good hearts.

That he can be so gentle and kind, even though he is all loud and crazy.
That she can be strong and confident, even though she has to work for it.
That they look like you
that they act like both of us.

That she loves to run
that he loves loves loves to spend so much time with us.
That all they want is us.

That we got 17 amazing years with our puppy.
That she kept us together always.
That she forever knew what we needed, how much love she brought to us.
That she always always loved us first, because she was our first.
That we got to hold her while we said goodnight,
that we were there together, and helped each other through the pain.
That she realized how important it was to be in that room together
and that together, we miss her
because together we were always family.

That traditions mean as much to them as they do to me.
That they broke my cycle, that you broke my cycle.
That I was given a second chance, this second chance.
That family has a brand new meaning for me, the one it has always had for you.

That love looks so much different than it does in the movies,
because our love is real.
The ups, the downs, the ordinary and common.

That I fell hard for you
that your joy brought me joy.
That you always believed in me, and us and you continue to.
That you won't ever give up and won't let me give up.

That we take chances, on each other because we believe we can do anything.
That our life is so crazy, but damn, we make it work.
That we found a community and friends that make us laugh.
That we find peace and togetherness.
That connecting with us is still their favorite.
That they realize how important this all is.

I am thankful that you started us
I am thankful that this is our life
I am thankful that we defined our family and our love
I am thankful.

Tell me what made you laugh today.
Tell me why you smile.
Tell me what made you hurt,
why you were sad.
Tell me who you played with, who you sat next to, tell me what you talked about.
Tell me how it felt to not be picked for the team,
tell me what we can do next time, what we can work on, together.
Tell me why you are in a bad mood,
I even want you to tell me why you don't want to talk about it,
because when you are ready,
I am here.

Tell me how that run felt,
why you love to bike with me,
why you feel good after.
Tell me why the beach is your favorite.
Tell me how much you love ice cream and why you want it everyday.
Tell me what makes you feel excited
and tell me what scares you to death.
Tell me what I said wrong and how to make it better.
Tell me you are sorry, because you hurt my feelings too.
Tell me to shut up and listen, remind me it is all that you need.

Tell me about your first kiss, the first time you held hands.
Tell me how proud you were to get that grade you worked really hard for, even if it wasn't an A.
Tell me what you are looking forward to,
tell me what you are anxious about.
Tell me all about your day, the good the bad the ugly.
Tell me what you and your friends are all talking about,
tell me what worries you about what they are saying.
Tell me when you feel disconnected, tell me when you feel I am too, let's bring each other back.
Tell me what you said that you want to take back, tell me how you will make it better.
Tell me when you know you have hurt someone, and steps to fix the broken.
Tell me all that is racing through your mind, tell me when you need silence.
Tell me when you need time away and when I am the last person you want to talk to.
Tell me how angry you are, how much you want a situation to change, tell me when you are feeling anything but like you.

Keep talking to me,
keep letting me in.
Talking it all out lets in the light that we so often turn away from.
I will of course understand that you need to be sad and angry.
I will of course understand that you really need time to cry and process
but please
tell me, because when you are ready,
I am here.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on enjoy.
Go.

As you are moving through the slog and the necessary and the have tos
what are you enjoying?
As the alarm clock goes off and the day starts too early and already you feel behind
what are you enjoying?
As you pass by your kids and hurry them along, getting dressed, getting ready, packing bags
what are you enjoying?
As life becomes so busy, as we make it even busier
what is there left to enjoy?

But it is in them that we remember the simple.
It is in them that we remember that we are deciding to make it more complicated.
Because it is in them that we remember that a snuggle is pure joy.
That a reading date feels like magic to them.
That playing a family game makes the joy pour out of them.
Enjoying life can be easy, if we stop making it hard.

As 2016 is rushing to a close, I always think about what I will focus on for the new year,
for a fresh start.
This year, it was remembering to no longer wish time away, but to be with them, and myself.
For next year, it has to be all about joy and enjoying life so much more.
It is there for the taking, life can be so hard all by itself and I will stop making it even harder.
Because it is time I start enjoying this life that I created
for me
for us
for all of us.
It is time that I show you how easy it is to love and enjoy your life,
it is time you see me smile so much more
for all of us.

Stop.

There is no doubt that this has been a difficult week.
For our nation, for our communities, for my friends, for my family and for me.
This week, I found myself explaining harder and more than ever to both of my children the importance of love.

Because here is what I have always believed...
love can fix the broken
love can put us back together
love can cure
love can heal
love can recapture your past
love can move you towards your future
love is always the answer.

Love can be seen in hugs
in smooches
in words
in touching
in holding hands
in family.

Love can be heard in hellos
in goodbyes
in words of encouragement
between friends
and family
and children
and parents
and in heroes.

Love can be felt with words that lift
in warmth
in comfort
in the common and ordinary
in cozy
in affection.

Love is everywhere, everywhere.
You look for it, you keep showing it, you don't give up on it, ever.
You don't give up on kindness and gentle.
You don't give up on communities and people that need it.
You show up.
You show up for love because
love is showing up for everyone
even if you are tired
even if you are worried
love is showing up and telling the world how we will be treated.

Love is important, the most important.
Because love dictates words and priorities and time spent and how and when we reach out.
Love what you turn to
focus on
love is what brings you back
to you.
And who you are
and what you believe in
and what you know in your heart to be right and good and true.
Love is an honor to receive
and free to give out.

Love is the answer
to every and any question
love is always the answer.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on common.
Go.

That's what we have become...common.
Common, ordinary, boring love.
With 40 around the corner
and a mortgage
and careers
and two blue eyed kids
and lawns to take care of
and dinner to make
and homework to do
and bags to pack
and lunches to make
and bills to pay
common, ordinary love.

But, as I keep reminding us,
and in times of disconnect will myself to believe,
it's so easy to love during the good and even easy to love during the bad.
It's the common and ordinary and boring that takes work.
And it is in the common and ordinary and boring that we spend the majority of our time.
It is in the common and ordinary and boring that we need to remember the simple meaning of touching toes and holding hands.
It is in the common and ordinary and boring that the "I love yous" mean a little more, even when they are said just out of routine.
It is in the common and ordinary and boring that a smile across the room to me, makes me feel connected to you, like we still share what is us.
It is in the common and ordinary and boring that reaching for each other has to be more deliberate.
It is in the common and ordinary and boring that we need to take a few moments to remember us.
It is in the common and ordinary and boring that we need to just hug.
It is in the common and ordinary and boring that we need to remember why and how we started, because the mundane makes you forget.
It is in the common and ordinary and boring that time is fleeting and tearing us apart to be in different places at the same time,
so we need to make time, for us.
It is in the common and ordinary and boring that we need to find our laughter, our humor, our joy, the most.
It is in the common and ordinary and boring that we need to remember, all that we started and why we started and why and how we will continue.
It is in the common and ordinary and boring that we hold on, to what we were, what we are and what we are moving towards,
us.

Stop.

This week, I have been missing you a lot.
I actually started to feel better once you were back home,
and as tough as it's been to start a normal routine without you,
it selfishly felt better than feeling you all day long and needing to take care of you, even when you were gone.
But this week, I feel you more.

You see, this week, was a pretty big deal for baseball and although we are hard Yankee fans,
the Cubs are as close to second as you can get.
Dad has a close boyhood connection to the Cubs and there is something about seeing the little boy in him that makes me melt.
So, this week, was big.
And as we watched every single game, and it got louder and louder and the cheering and shouts started to get out of control for 11:30pm,
I felt this huge weight on my chest.
You weren't there
getting really nervous at dad's energy and my shouts.
You weren't trying to crawl on top of me because you didn't feel safe with all of the nerves.

And so, this week, I finally threw away your food and cleaned out your bowls.
It was so long overdue but for the last month, I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Every single time I tried, I would stop myself, tell myself I had more pressing things to do and just walk by.
And every single day that I walked into the house, I would see them first and it would punch me that you were gone.
So, this week, I took care of that.
I washed everything out, and left the empty clean white bowls in our sink.

This week, I put away your beds.
Because I can't keep walking by and wanting to scoop you up and bring you downstairs with me.
Because I can't keep looking at your little toys and remembering how cute it was to watch you snuggle like an actual person.
Because I can't keep bending down to see if they still smell like you.
So this week, I put them away.

This week, I have been crying a lot.
Sad, blue, heart heavy.
And when I am not crying, I feel like I want to be crying
like it will allow me to somehow feel better,
but not yet.
I keep thinking the the tears will wash just a little bit of the blue away, but just not yet.
So this week, I am going to cry.

This week, I took down your box.
The one I have kept of all your things.
And I looked at Mr. Fish, the very first present I gave you on your very first day with me.
I realized how starting everyone off with a lovey is so important to me, and like everything else, it started with you.

So this week, I am so sad.
Because I feel like I am trying to get rid of you
and that feels wrong and terrible.
Because I feel like I am being so selfish
but still so empty.
So this week, I am really missing you sweetie.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on journey.
Go.

I write about this word a lot don't I?
I feel that our story
this journey
and this one
our linked, connected, we are taking it together.
Even when we have to separate, we will be linked,
because we all started together.
Hand in hand
kissing noses
touching toes.

And although I realize there are four different journeys in there
it's so hard to pick each one out
because they are so woven
so layered
and almost dependent on the other.

I am at the brink of starting something brand new,
a brand new journey and rewriting my story.
I am at the bottom of this hill and although I can see the top, it is really far away.
And I am a little scared because what if I fall all the way back down?
Every time I look back, I get sad, and so bothered and irritated.
But even this journey, the one I have to do on my own, the one that should be very personal, isn't.
Because I feel that everything I do is for all of us
and advances us all forward.
Because that is family
that is how we all define family.
We won't leave a single person behind,
we will carry each other if someone is too tired.
We will all find the strength to push us through and keep walking, one foot in front of the other.
Even when all of us are out of line and out of step, we are still moving in the right direction
and willing us all forward.
Because we started on this road together and we will continue to move together, side by side and hand in hand.
Kissing noses and touching toes.

Stop.