Childhoodtake2!

It's like I am staring at a puzzle and the pieces are all there.
I can see them right out in front of me, scattered all over the table.
I know that if I start to arrange them "properly" if I get them a little organized I can start to see the picture come to life.
And some days, I am able to put part of that huge puzzle together.
Some days I am able to work on it and there is almost an ease because once a few pieces fall into place, others are more clearly seen.
Some days I can quickly figure out that I need to have the border done first to get the foundation.
I understand that the foundation is key.
And then from there, the colors of the picture come to life.
From that strong foundation holding all the jagged pieces together, they just find their way to beauty.

But some days the puzzle looks like a heap, almost a mountain to climb.
Some days, the puzzle is insurmountable.
Some days ot looks so large and scary I don't know where to start.
Instead, I don't start.
Instead, I feel like just throwing the pieces all over the place.
I destroy the work I put in.
I get too confused and I cannot focus.
I get frustrated and hold this resentment as if I am the only one working on the damn thing.
Because in my angry world, I am the only one.

But my angry world doesn't get to be the way life always is.
Because I find my way back, I have to, I have to come home again.

Some days, it is friends or framily or family that is telling me, this fits here.
Place this one piece here, it fits.
And most days, it is you.
Eye to eye, nose to nose, and face to face,
you are telling me that it fits, we fit.
And because of you, I find my way back.
That's how I always know I am not the only one working away.
Because it is you that brings us back.
It is you that forces me to sit down, pick up one more piece and place it where it belongs.
It is you that reaches for me, reminds me of us.
It is you that actually does most of the picking up, even if I am the one that made the mess to begin with.

Here come the cliches...
Marriage is beautiful.
Marriage is work.
Marriage is togetherness and lonely and sometimes those two exist together.
Marriage is this ride, an actual up and down ride.
A hold on to each other, don't let go of me because we are going over a huge bump ride.
A hold on to me because we are about to crash ride.
A hold on to me because the way up is taking my breath away and I need you ride.
And it's a book with chapter after chapter.
Some that look the exact same for so long you are screaming in your head for a change.
Some that look so different that you are screaming in your head for how it once was.
Some that are so boring that you can't breathe.
Some that are so exciting that you can't breathe.
Some that are so loving tears pour out of you.
Some that are so scary, so harmful, so hurtful that tears pour out of you.
And ours is no different.

So, once again I sit down at the table.
I pick up another piece.
I remind myself of the foundation and I build the edges.
I remind myself that all the pieces are there.
Love.
Patience.
Respect.
Grace.
A loving heart.
A gracious heart.
Pride.
Aweness.
Comfort.
Touch.
Hand holding.
Toe touching.
Smooches.
Talking.
Listening.
Leaning.
They are all there.
And I get to work.

As I do, I remind myself
this puzzle isn't only worth it,
it's not only going to remind me that we can do it, or how gorgeous it is,
it's the only thing that matters.
Because we fit.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on thirteen.
Go.

The moment I left home for college.
The moment I met and realized I had forever found framily.
The moment I adopted our Mia.
The moment I met you and it all melted.
The moment you asked me.
The moment we moved to our little town.
The moment I fell for Anna.
The moment I became CEO.
The moment I met Cole.
The moment we once again found forever framily.
The moment we had to say goodbye to our first peanut.
The moment I started a company.
The moment you agreed to Pearl and I realized I couldn't love you more.

These are my 13 moments of life. Looking back, I realize we have a nice little life.

When you were brand new to this world and I was forced to share you
I was the one you needed in the middle of the night.
I was the one you needed to smell.
I was the voice you remembered.
I was the comfort you looked for.
I was your food, your rocker, your changer, the one that knew all the sounds.
I was your answer, I always was, I still am, but I will not always be.

When you have a bad dream, you immediately go to his side of the bed.
When you are feeling sick, you call for me.
When you fall, you look for us immediately.
When you are trying something new, you seek our familiar faces.
We are your answer, we always were, we still are, but we will not always be.

So many twists and turns
so many changes
so many different milestones and from the beginning to today I am the answer.
I always was, I still am, but I will not always be.

Life will continue to bend.
It will make you feel upside down.
It will also make you feel confident, moments, long moments of feeling like you have this part of life down.
But, there will always be questions, there will always be changes.

For this little window in time, I get to be your answer.
For this minute in our lives, I get to hold it all for you.
I always was, I still am, but I will not always be.

Because you will grow and you will go and live the life you are meant to.
You are going to find your circle.
You are going to find and at times create your reason.
You are going to be.
You will become the answer for others.

But, for now, I will allow this window to be wide open.
I will welcome this time of you wanting to be with me.
I will welcome what in the end will feel like a brief moment in life.
I will be the answer.

When you are wondering who in the world you can turn to.
When you are searching so you don't feel terribly alone.
When you are seeking comfort and someone that knows your whole story,
I am the answer.

When you need a hug, one that feels so familiar.
When you need to hear words that make you feel like you belong, remind you that you are home.
I am the answer.

I always was, I still am, but I will not always be.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on done.
Go.

I try.
It's the best I can do.
No, it's the best thing about me.
I put one foot in front of the other and I keep going and trying and I use grit and determination and I get there.
I never look the prettiest.
I never look accomplished.
I never look like I belong.
I never finish first or top anything.
I struggle, but I keep trying.

And I am done with feeling bad about it.
I am done with hearing how I need to tweak something or change something or work harder on a different part.
I try my best and I get there and that makes me proud as hell of me.

I work for what I want.
I set my mind to it, I formulate a plan and I learn by making mistakes.
And I make a lot of them.
I make them as a mom, as a business owner, as a long-time CEO, as a friend, as a bride.
I make them over and over again.

And I am done pretending that I am the only one that has faults.
I am done with feeling like the world is sitting on my shoulders and I have to, should have, need to have
everything or anything figured out.
I tell my kids that everyone makes mistakes
all you have to do is take responsibility
apologize and learn so you don't do it again.
And it is time I start listening to myself.
Everyone makes mistakes, not just me, everyone.

I do a lot of research on me and others.
How to communicate
how to manage
how to be a better person to those in my life
how to connect better
how to make them feel better
how to make myself feel better.
What makes me run?
What makes me tick?
What makes me move?
What is frustrating for me?
What motivates me?

And I will never be done.
There is always new information to learn.
Always more information to gather.
And it does make us better people.
Not because of labels and putting things in boxes but because it illuminates who we are, who others are.
Because it helps us understand more
judge less
have more patience
set up better systems
be our best selves.

Anger comes easily to me.
Blue and lack of luster and joy.
Never calm and or at peace but always moving, nervous, my mind always going.
But there is too much beauty and joy for this to be all of life.
And I need a balance. I need to be surrounded by love and joy and calm and happy.
So I am done with misery for misery's sake.
I am done with those that look for reasons to be angry, just because.
I am done with having to be with those that cannot see color, everything is black and white.

It is my year of different and I have found ways to say yes, I accept as well as no, I am done.

Stop.

Find your circle
find your family
find your framily
find those that make you better and hold on, never let them go.
Surround yourself with those that make you the best you.

Because mom did and it has been why I am able to do
be
breathe
become
create
do more
ask more of myself
because everywhere I turn I can say...

You make me better,
a better person,
a better mom,
a better bride.
I am better with you.

You make my eyes wake up,
you allow my feet to touch the ground,
even on cold and early days.

You make me a better person.

You make me forgive quickly, you help me come back to reality.
You laugh at my crazy with me
you make me feel not so crazy.
I am better with you

You made me believe in something big.
You made me believe in family.
You made me believe in love at first sight.
You made me believe in happily ever after.
You made me believe people care.

You make me joyful.
You make me seek joy.
You make me smile bigger,
laugh a little harder.
I am better with you.

There are people that will come and go.
There are people that leave on purpose.
There are people you will push out.
There will be people that you love but life gets too busy.
There will be people you wish lived closer.
There will be times you feel lonely.
There will be times you feel whole.
There will always be people that make you feel worse.
There will always be people that try and step on you.
There will always be people that make themselves feel better by making you feel bad.
But, not your circle.
Not the real family you need in your life.
Not the real framily you create.
Not the ones that you decide, this is who I belong with.

So, go and find those you can honestly say...
I am better, with you.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on vacation.
Go.

Standing, watching you run in and out of the water
hearing your joy spill out of you.
Seeing your childhood come to life.
Getting the house ready to go, my little girl who believes in traditions as much as I do waits all year for this.
She waits for us to pile into the car
she waits for the house
she waits for ice cream for dinner
she waits for our framily to show up
she waits for the walk to the beach
she waits for this time.

Our vacations are filled with nothing special and that makes it magic.
Our vacations are filled with doing nothing and it is amazing.
They are simple.
Simple food
simple toys
simple home
simple times.
Walks
dinners at home
sandwiches on a beach
sandcastles and water
ice cream.

They are almost the same thing every single day.
They are so much nothing and not doing that I finally unclench.
I finally exhale.
There is so much laughing so much catching up and talking about important and unimportant things
so much time
so much reading
so much coffee
so much togetherness.

And I know, you shouldn't need a vacation from your life and I don't but that doesn't mean we can't take this opportunity to realize how exceptional time away is.

I hope you grow up and find your circle.
I hope you find people that make you better.
I hope they are in your daily life as well as ones you can live with for a week.
I hope your vacations are special
I hope you remember that ours were.

Stop.

It's how the two of us started, side by side, hand in hand.
At times, each one taking the lead.
At times, each one saying let's try this path now.
But, we have always been side by side, hand in hand, a touching toes family.

As planned, we grew.
All I could do was continue to hold hands, they were just smaller now.
All I could do was hold on to them, to us, to family.
The one I finally got to create for me, the one I got to pick for me.

And, as planned, we grew more.
We decided to let our hearts grow even more.
We decided there was so much more love we had to give and we grew more.
And I had another hand to hold, another nose to smooch, another heart to hold.
And there we all were, side by side, hand in hand, a touching toes family.

In this time, we have fought.
We have not seen eye to eye.
We have been stripped, we have been brought to our knees.
But, we have also tried, we have made up, we have all said sorry.

We have taken walks because there were and still are so many walks
Each one hand in hand
side by side.
But now and the entire time, someone new is leading the way.

We have piled on the couch and gather, all smushed in.
Everyone touching someone else, everyone holding hands, everyone with legs draped over everyone else.
We have piled in beds to read, head to head and laughing and filling ourselves full.

They are now the guide of how hard we hold on
how much we have to let go
when we have to let go
when we need to pull back in.
They are our guide letting us know when we have to regroup, when we have to go back to basics.
They are the ones deciding when we need to go back to side by side, hand in hand, a touching toes family.

It's not always easy to follow, it's not always easy to listen, it's not always easy to be lead.