Childhoodtake2!

Alone and quite now.
Warm coffee in hand, house decorated and glowing.
Soft but cold November rain.

I am calling for self realization becasue it's almost done now, my year of different.
The year everything had to change, but I still needed to be me.
It has been one of my favorite years, one of my favorite words, one I will have a hard time letting go.
Even though I took a three-month turn for the worse
even though a stumbled so hard I thought I was falling, unable to get up
even though I spent three months trying to climb out of what felt like a pit of crazy
even though I came as close as possible to losing it all
and when I woke up again, I realized what I now need to do.
Who I was, how I love, who I am, what matters to me.
I realized again what I have always known, that all of us are so different.
That in order for me to work, I need my balance, I need external balance.
Me, alone, I am too much.
Me, alone, I provide zero balance.
I welcome my balance from the outside.
I invite my opposites in, I find them all around me, and I welcome them with the most open arms.
But that does not make me less than.
That does not make me unhappy, that does not make me joyless.
It makes me me and there is never anything wrong with being me or you or you or you.
As long as I continue to challenge myself, as long as I continue to grow, as long as I use my core to guide me, I am all in on being all the way me.
And I honor you being all the way you.
I don't only accept it, I honor it and I need it in my life.

I realized a long time ago I am gritty as hell.
I am determined.
I am motivated.
I aspire.
I am hard.
And I am vulnerable.
I love with all I have because I know no other way, I am in all in girl.

And all of that is good, but too much of that is too much.
Which is why at every turn, I am drawn, attracted, connected to my balance.

In my year of different, I realized what I now need to do.
I spent so much time in a state of quandary and I now feel relief.
I am able to exhale again realizing that this girl was not losing her mind.
There was something so wrong and once it was pointed out, I felt immediate release of the unknown.
I have my plan, I am ready for my next chapter.
Because if I need anything, it's a plan.
And like always, once I put it out there, the universe saw I was ready and the floodgates are starting to open.

From the outside, it certainly does not look like I believe in myself.
I certainly do not look confident or ready for anything.
And most of the time, I am not.
Fear is my fire
but my balance does believe in me.
My balance is confident, relies on me, knows I will break through.

I am calling for self-realization, fulfillment of one's own potential.
I am calling for being so patient.
Guide me back to the ocean of laughter, guide me over in time.

First starting out, there are so many the first time moments.
Some are just pure joy.
I saw your smile.
We smooched.
We held hands.
You asked me to be just yours.
We fell forever in love.
You fell forever in love with Mia.
You got down on one knee.

Some are a big deal.
We decided to move.
We agreed on our place.
We bought a house.
We decided this was ours, our forever home.

Some are life-changing.
A stick changed everything.
Our connection was born.
I felt you move.
I saw you.
I held you.
I fell so hard for you.
I fell in love at first sight.

Some are magic.
I realized you owned hearts.
You walked.
You talked.
You said mom.
You too fell for Mia.
You made me laugh.
You laughed.
You went to school.

Some are crippling.
The doctor called with bad news.
We felt heartache in a way that changed us.
We stumbled and continued to brush ourselves off.
I didn't save a baby item because "we are done".
We said goodnight to Mia.

Some continue to make me smile.
You said yes to Pearl and fell harder than I did.
We made plans for old age.
I started a list of "want to dos".
New traditions with old friends.

Some keep us guessing.
Starting my business.
You starting your side project.
Taking leaps and believing in ourselves, something neither one of us is good at.

The first time we met, it all fell into place for me.
My life was re-written and you started me on brand new chapters.
It's been 18 years and I keep thinking the firsts are behind us and we just get to live now.
But what kind of life is that?
Maybe that's one of the many secrets to marriage is that you have to keep finding your new.
You create your next first times.
And some will be pure joy, some life-changing, some heartbreaking, and some will continue to make us smile.
Remind us of how life keeps writing itself and we have to commit to the pages of our story.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on one.

Go.

I am one person.
One person that does not have all the answers.
One person and is trying her best.
One person that can feel lost, alone, loved, scared, worried, anxious, joyful, angry, cozy, happy.
One person raising a family.
One person building herself, her little faces, her business, her work, her mission.
One person wrapped up.
One person needing other people.
One person who knows she needs balance.
One person who wants.
One person that lives life differently.
One person that is working hard on accepting herself.
One person working hard on not tearing herself down.
One person who loves.
One person who loves with all she has.
One person that creates time, makes it so special.
One person that knows that time is always stolen.
One person that needs.
One person that works to change and grow.
One person that works and loves to work.
One person that mothers and loves to mother.
One person that is still standing.
One person that believes in things like childhood and direction and life and love and marriage and family.
One person.
One.

All the wounds that I can see.
So show me family and I will show you us.

So show me connection and I will show you two people that met on simple
fell in love on joy
and became family.
So show me family and I will show you us.

So show me complications and I will show you two people that leaped over hurdles
continued to create them
and made life more complicated than it ever needed to be.
So show me family and I will show you us.

So show me a home and I will show you kids and a puppy and stuff
I will show you walls painted and pictures hung
I will show you traditions made and family memories burned into our minds.
So show me family and I will show you us.

So show me smooches and touching toes and I will show you how we end.
The day, the week, the long, and the tired.
So show me bone tired and I will show you sacrifice and grit and determination.
So show me how you define home and I will show you your nook and a smell that reminds me of you.
So show me family and I will show you us.

So show me tears and I will show you the ones we create
the ones we shed
the ones we can't help.
So show me family and I will show you us.

So show me heartbreak and heartache and I will show you this little life.
The one I run towards and away from.
The one I won't allow us to take for granted
the one you won't allow us to turn our back on.
So show me family and I will show you us.

So show me yelling and temper tantrums and kids still learning and parents still learing
and I will show you us trying.
I will show you how hard it is because they change so much and things have to keep changing
but connections and feeling in each other's lives is what we have to hold on to.
So show me family and I will show you us.

So show me a type A mom, living alone in type opposite A family and I will show you me.
Show me struggles she has and I will how you how I keep trying.
Show me messes and I will show you temper tantrums I have.
Show me crazy and loud and I will show you an introvert that gets overwhelmed.
So show me family and I will show you us.

So show me love and I will show you all I hold for you.
All the wounds that I can see.
So show me family and I will show you us.

From those that do not want the best from you.
From those that do not want the best for you.
From those that do not know you.
From those that are not up to building you, because you do enough to tear you down.

From yourself and the darkness you allowed.
From your path, the one you fought for.
From your insecurities, the ones you always fight.

From the chaos.
From the constant stress.
From the storm you allowed to take over.

From the foot that has been standing on you.
From the sleepless nights.
From the 2am wake-up calls, the ones only you can stop answering.

From negativity, because you do not need more of it in your life.
From whispers, because you know who you are at heart.
From bullshit, because life is hard enough, but not really all that complicated.

Space, you need some space, Sabrina.

Set the intention, bring it into your day and into your thoughts.
It is what you need, what you seek.
Space is what you want.
Space.

To remember how to breathe.
To remember who you are, not what they all think you are.
To be proud again.
Of yourself of them of who you are to them.
To see them again, really see them for who they are.
The love they bring, how proud you are of them, mistakes and all.
I am proud of your mistakes too, did you know that?
I am because together we will continue to figure them out and together we will continue to take responsibility
because this world needs a little more accountability.
A little more "I made a mistake"
a little more "I really am sorry, please forgive me".
So yeah, I am proud of your mistakes too.

Space to remember.
Space to forget.
Space to think.
Space to stop thinking.
Space to do.
Space to stop.
Space to hold joy.
Space to forget happiness and hold joy.
Space to sleep and dream.
Space to take a walk.
Space to redistribute time.
Space to make memories.
Space to find my laugh.
Space to find my strength.
Space to stretch.
Space to kneel and curl up.

Space Sabrina, you need space.

Breathe in and especially out.
Create it in your life.
It has always been up to you to create it.
It has always been in your hand.

Space, you need some space, Sabrina.