24
Nov

Save the girl

Hi lovies, there is something I have not shared with you. I keep telling myself it's because of your age but that's not true. The real reason is that I haven't found my voice yet. So, I'm going to write it all down, think it over, find an afternoon to read this to you and then have a very long conversation about it all.

Several months ago, I had an incident. I sat in a room with someone that made me feel so little, so gross, so belittled, so wrong. But they were so evil, so ugly, so awful...and I did nothing. I sat on my hands and I did nothing. I listened, I got teary-eyed, I whispered when I did speak, I had the weakest of voices when I did answer questions, and then, someone else had to swoop in and save the girl. He had to save me from the situation. He, of course, did not feel this way. His profession is such that he defends all day long. He doesn't allow people to be taken advantage of and the second he saw the direction the conversation was going in, he stopped it. He is a very kind man, he is caring. He understands that life can be hard on people sometimes and he could feel how wrong this was and he made it stop. For me, he spoke up for me. Because that is what he was there to do, protect the situation and I was part of the situation.

I, continued to sit. And although I am so grateful for him being there with me, I had to have him there no matter what, I am just very disappointed in myself. Anna, all I could do was picture you. Your desire to also appease, your ability to sit quietly and listen when you are being spoken to, your want to make things right. I was picturing me watching you do this. I pictured your little shoulders bearing this weight, I pictured your head down, cowering. I pictured your big blue eyes filling with tears, I pictured your voice, shakey, upset and sitting in your rightness, but not knowing what else to say.

See, sometimes, it's good to sit silently. Sometimes, it's important to have people feel heard. Sometimes, the words you do use, they will not land, not when someone is in that place. All of that was true in this case. But, the one thing I could have done and should have done is refused to join in the disgusting way he wanted to act. He asked me to join in and I did. And then I felt like I had to be saved, and I was. And that was wrong of me.

Yes, I needed to be more silent than loud. Yes, me speaking the truth would not have mattered, it would not have been heard. Yes, they needed to feel heard and go through a tantrum. But I needed to speak up for what was wrong with the way I was being asked to join in. When I picture you there sweetie, I am mad. I am screaming from across the room "make that stop right now and don't you dare Anna". I feel like I let you down, I wasn't proud of how I handled that and I let you down. That was not a moment I could have you watch and feel good about. I was embarrassed by who I became in that moment. I was embarrassed and mad at myself more than anyone else.

So, I'm sorry sweet girl. I know you weren't there and I know I can decide not to ever share this with you but here's the most important lesson of all...it wasn't my fault. When you are in that situation, your reaction is your reaction. Someone else is trying to get you to react, force rage out of you, make you feel small. And, we react the way our bodies react. I go in, and I shut down. I can work on this, yes. But when in this situation, this is more likely than not how I will respond. I can fight to get a little stronger, a little more set and find a way to say this stops now. But, more likely than not, I won't.

Luckily, I had a clear thinker in the room. And there was no way he felt like he was saving the girl. He was just doing his job, what he was there to do. And as angry as I am that he needed to swoop in and be my voice, well, sometimes we need an advocate and I was smart enough to have that represented. My strength comes in different forms I guess and yours will too.

17
Nov

Last night

We have been really lucky in the sleep department. Our kiddos are really good, really strong sleepers. There are cons to this, like they can't miss sleep. Ever. They can't stay up really late and bounce back...no, I mean ever. Because then they have to be treated like an actual bomb that you place in your hand and watch and hold and don't put down and when it explodes, you lose everything that is precious to you. So no, they can't stay up later in the summer and sleepovers make them monsters forever! And staying up for any reason is always not worth it.

But, overall, it's a good thing. They slept as infants and babies. I never went through the exhaustion that comes with early parenting. They napped like crazy. My daughter finally gave up her four-hour nap when she went to kindergarten. Although worried about her transition, I wasn't willing to work on this with her because who would?

Recently, they have been waking up more often. And that means they have been coming in more often. To him, it's starting to feel like a lot more, but for me...truth be told, I am really loving it. It goes against everything we did as parents of babies, but I don't care. I am letting them climb in, I am letting them take over the bed, and I am loving the snuggles and the fact that they feel safest with us.

Last night, it became the perfect storm. She read a book that scared her so much she had to put it down and then her imagination got the best of her and she was so scared she asked to stay with me. He woke up at 3:30am and got really worried about how dark it was and asked to come in. And there I was, sandwiched between my two babies...no longer babies...but my two babies.

One held my hand and whispered, I love you, from his sleep. The other fell hard and fast asleep pressed up against me, snuggled inside my arm. Her breath became rhythmic, I watched her eyes actually get heavy, like they would when she was first here. I watched her struggle to keep them open so she could watch me watch her, but she gave up sooner than she would have liked and she was at peace. He came in like a storm. Rushing, loud, worried, breathing really hard. His breath slowed as he realized he was okay. He twisted and turned for a second and then looked up, grabbed my hand, and was out like a light.

Last night, I watched both my babies be at peace. I watched their chest rise and fall at different rhythms. Last night, I saw his eyelashes were so long that I wondered if he could feel them on his cheeks. I saw how gorgeous her lips are and how perfect they form while she's sleeping. Last night, I saw how much they looked like you and how lucky I am that I married someone so handsome. Last night, I saw pieces of me on their face, and I felt so lucky to be there. Last night, I felt so lucky that my little faces couldn't sleep...needed me, needed my arms and my attention. Last night, I opened up our bed to them, and yes, you got kicked out. Last night we did things like we never do them. We let them in, I got to be there all night with them. Last night we didn't worry about routines or what this would do for their forever sleeping, or if we were setting them up for bad habits. Last night, we just let them snuggle where they needed to be for that one moment in time. We let them be and we accepted what they needed and maybe what I needed too.

With them growing up so big, these moments of little are so far and few between. Even though we are so lucky that they are walking slow, they are still walking towards new phases and away from little. But last night, we let them be scared little kids that wanted their mom or dad. And I can't wait to do it all over again.

15
Nov

Five Minute Friday - unknown

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on unknown.

Wow, well, I can honestly say that since I have joined this amazing community of writers, almost every single week, the word prompt aligns 100% with what I am going through and today is no different. One could argue that I am reading and interpreting the word as I see it fit into my life that week, after all, that's what we're supposed to do. But, one could also see the beauty of the universe speaking and the pause that comes with listening, and the theraputic feeling I need to write each week and so here I am.

Go.

For the first time ever, I am taking a leap. I am jumping and not only do I not have a net, also don't have a tandem partner. I, am taking a chance, on me. And I have no idea how it is going to work out, I just have this strong feeling it will. I have no idea what we will do if it doesn't, I just know what I don't want to do. I have no idea how the stress will impact me, I just really think it will be less stress. I have no idea how my days will unfold, but I think they will be more purposeful, have more intention, be a better me. Although there is so much unknown, all I care about is that I am a better me.

When I read Left Neglected, there was this section where she talked about how in her current job, the one she loved, the one that defined her, the one that was so go go go go go...that she would have to close her door and cry. Several times a month, the pressure would build so much that she would go behind a closed door and cry. When she had to really embrace the unknown before her, that all stopped. She wasn't working, living and existing at the same speed, she physically couldn't anymore, and two people that lived their lives knowing each hectic day down to the minute, finally stopped. And although they now had to live with a lot of "time will tell" and "we're just not sure" and "let's just see"...she stopped crying. Her pressure valve finally released. Did she miss it, yes, God yes! Did she feel at times like she wasn't herself, yes, because she wasn't! She was the new her, the one after the accident. The one that had to embrace slowing down and remember that she didn't need to have control over everything. She didn't need to know every last detail...she needed to embrace the unknown.

Stop.

10
Nov

On his 70th birthday

This morning I was introduced to a poem Charlie Chaplin wrote on his 70th birthday. It's remarkable. It's simple. It's profound. It's moving. It's loving. Sweet loves of mine, there is nothing I could write to you this week that would mean more than this message. It is from a genius who sat back and reflected on his life and all the things he finally learned...when he finally learned how to love himself.

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is AUTHENTICITY.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody as I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it RESPECT.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it MATURITY.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment, so I could be calm. Today I call it SELF-CONFIDENCE.

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it SIMPLICITY.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything the drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism.Today I know it is LOVE OF ONESELF.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is MODESTY.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it FULFILLMENT.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection WISDOM OF THE HEART.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know THAT IS LIFE!

May you always love yourselves and may you find your life and your truth. You mom loves you and sees all you are meant to be.

3
Nov

It's simple to find little things

This week, I read a beautiful post from a wonderful woman who spoke on how it can be so simple to find little things in this world to make you smile. Make you happy. Make you slow down a little, appreciate a little more. She set out a challenge...find what makes you keep going. Write that shit down. Make yourself remember the things that make you feel like you are living, actually living. Things that breathe life back into you, make you so content, comfortable, and at home. So, I made a list. And not my regular "get this done" list but instead, a make yourself remember there are so many things to be happy and appreciative of list. This is my list of love.

  • Rain…the sound, the smell, the clouds, the gray, the dark.
  • Waking up before anyone especially if it’s still dark out.
  • But also, sleeping and napping at all hours, any time of day.
  • The heaviest of blankets.
  • The smell on my hubby’s chest, it smells like home.
  • My kids’ actual belly laugh.
  • My puppers kisses and hugs…because I have a dog that gives actual hugs.
  • Seeing my husband love on our dog.
  • Seeing my husband belly laugh at our kids.
  • Pop-tarts…for real though.
  • Looking through old pics of the kids.
  • My fireplace and how much my puppy loves the fireplace.
  • How much my puppy loves her crate.
  • How much my puppy loves her family and you can physically see it!
  • The glow of soft lights.
  • Coffee, I have such a deep-rooted love for coffee.
  • A lit candle.
  • My bathtub.
  • A good robe.
  • The sound of a bat as it hits a ball, that crack gets me.
  • The look of a grown man’s face when he is so happy you can actually see the little boy in him.
  • Watching basketball, especially college, most especially with my family.
  • Long runs when I have 0 training scheduled, because I'm just running for the love of running.
  • The very end of yoga because laying down is my favorite.
  • Waking up and realizing I have so many more hours of sleep ahead of me but I’m not struggling to fall back to sleep. Because again, I love to sleep!
  • A really good kiss, because you are a really good kisser, even decades after our first. 
  • This fall, I don't know if I was just ready to really watch it all happen this year or if this fall has been especially exceptional but we really do live in an amazing area. I feel like we are living in a movie about a place that has a beautiful fall. There are leaves everywhere, the air is crisp but still warm, the colors are gorgeous…it has been magic.
  • Family bike rides and family walks with the puppy.
  • Playing a game together as a fam, I just love spending time with you guys. 
  • A gray day.
  • A new snowfall.
  • Snowshoeing!
  • Watching the kids sleep.
  • Holding hands.
  • Quiet.

I have so much to love on every single day. I need to remember how lucky I am and how much good I can find in my days. It is not always easy, I focus a lot on what I can be doing, should be doing, could do differently, need to work on and lists that look so different. But this list, this is a list we can all make and all take in. And slow the hell down and remember that life gives you reasons to smile. Life gives you reasons to slow down, you just have to take a breath and remember that your own list is there for you.

1
Nov

Five Minute Friday - last

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on last.

Go.

It's my last two months of a 20-year career. It's my last chance to turn around and take it all back and tell them I just want to stay because I love my job. Because I love my work. Because I love what I do. Because, despite how I feel and how I am being made to feel, I am good at this. I belonged here. This was my home and as much as I sacrificed and did for them, this job made me.

It's my last two months of not having to depend on my business for my living. It's my last chance to say we can't do this after all, I don't know what we were thinking but I was wrong and I'm sorry and I take it all back. Because it's my last two months of being secure and now it's all me.

It's my last two months of holding down both jobs, doing two really big things at the same exact time while still trying to be a decent mom, bride, friend, person...and still hold on to who I am.

It's my last two months to dream and really think and plan out what I want it all to look like now. What I am going to spend my energy on, what I am going to eliminate. What I am going to have to walk away from. What I am going to be able to fully embrace.

It's my last two months and I am having a lot of feelings. I am on this roller-coaster of emotions and there has been a lot of crying, a lot of overthinking, a lot of should haves, a lot of fear, a lot of lasts. My lasts.

Stop.

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