17
Nov

Last night

We have been really lucky in the sleep department. Our kiddos are really good, really strong sleepers. There are cons to this, like they can't miss sleep. Ever. They can't stay up really late and bounce back...no, I mean ever. Because then they have to be treated like an actual bomb that you place in your hand and watch and hold and don't put down and when it explodes, you lose everything that is precious to you. So no, they can't stay up later in the summer and sleepovers make them monsters forever! And staying up for any reason is always not worth it.

But, overall, it's a good thing. They slept as infants and babies. I never went through the exhaustion that comes with early parenting. They napped like crazy. My daughter finally gave up her four-hour nap when she went to kindergarten. Although worried about her transition, I wasn't willing to work on this with her because who would?

Recently, they have been waking up more often. And that means they have been coming in more often. To him, it's starting to feel like a lot more, but for me...truth be told, I am really loving it. It goes against everything we did as parents of babies, but I don't care. I am letting them climb in, I am letting them take over the bed, and I am loving the snuggles and the fact that they feel safest with us.

Last night, it became the perfect storm. She read a book that scared her so much she had to put it down and then her imagination got the best of her and she was so scared she asked to stay with me. He woke up at 3:30am and got really worried about how dark it was and asked to come in. And there I was, sandwiched between my two babies...no longer babies...but my two babies.

One held my hand and whispered, I love you, from his sleep. The other fell hard and fast asleep pressed up against me, snuggled inside my arm. Her breath became rhythmic, I watched her eyes actually get heavy, like they would when she was first here. I watched her struggle to keep them open so she could watch me watch her, but she gave up sooner than she would have liked and she was at peace. He came in like a storm. Rushing, loud, worried, breathing really hard. His breath slowed as he realized he was okay. He twisted and turned for a second and then looked up, grabbed my hand, and was out like a light.

Last night, I watched both my babies be at peace. I watched their chest rise and fall at different rhythms. Last night, I saw his eyelashes were so long that I wondered if he could feel them on his cheeks. I saw how gorgeous her lips are and how perfect they form while she's sleeping. Last night, I saw how much they looked like you and how lucky I am that I married someone so handsome. Last night, I saw pieces of me on their face, and I felt so lucky to be there. Last night, I felt so lucky that my little faces couldn't sleep...needed me, needed my arms and my attention. Last night, I opened up our bed to them, and yes, you got kicked out. Last night we did things like we never do them. We let them in, I got to be there all night with them. Last night we didn't worry about routines or what this would do for their forever sleeping, or if we were setting them up for bad habits. Last night, we just let them snuggle where they needed to be for that one moment in time. We let them be and we accepted what they needed and maybe what I needed too.

With them growing up so big, these moments of little are so far and few between. Even though we are so lucky that they are walking slow, they are still walking towards new phases and away from little. But last night, we let them be scared little kids that wanted their mom or dad. And I can't wait to do it all over again.

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