The grass is greener

Taking slower walks allows you to see things like when the grass changes from a brown/hint of green, to greener, still not summer green, but getting there.

Watching the world unfold like this allows you to see the ups and downs that people are having, feel the roller-coaster ride because you are going through it too, but you are going through it, it is not steamrolling you. We are getting there.

Watching a long, slow, calming rain come down on a Sunday afternoon reminds me of the things I love. The snuggle time, the flicker of candles, warm coffee, long long naps, kids still in jammies, smiles on everyone's face, getting slower, which is so needed because I am getting there.

Making my bed, cleaning up my kitchen, doing the laundry, cleaning the washroom, putting things away, getting it less messy, wiping away the goo from counters, cleaning up the floors, vacuuming, getting it to smell better reminds me of who I am and what also calms my heart. Because we all need a little bit of normalcy in order to get there.

Having a chat through a window, birthday drive-bys to show you love someone, calls, video chats, wine dates, social media connections, they are how all of us are reaching out. We need connection and love and our families and framilies and each other, we all just need each other. It's the only way we're going to get there.

Family puzzles, card games, movie nights, grilled pizza, happy hour on a deck, talking, planning, kid games, family time, long runs with littles on bikes, doggy runs that exhaust, it's the love in all of us that will get us there.

The grass is a little greener this week, we are getting there.


Five Minute Friday - Perspective

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on perspective.


It's all in the way that you look at it, it's all that you see, it's all that you decide to focus on.

This is what we all do, every single day, all day long. I am much more of a see the glass half empty kind of person. I feel the darkness linger way before the sun sets. I think about worst case scenarios, I play them out in my head, I walk through them, I put myself there, I live there for a while, and then I pull back.

So why now, when the entire world stopped spinning, am I seeing things a little differently? Why now am I slowing down and not panicking all day every day? Why I am lingering in bed now? Why I am napping so much? Why are my daughter and I laughing so much, my son and I snuggling? Why am I noticing our puppy so much more? Why am I lingering so much? Why do I feel like I have no time when I have all the time in the world? Why do I feel like not doing so much? Why am I not wanting a routine? Why is this my perspective right now?

Why, as worried as I am about the health and wellness of our entire world, and the economic health of every single person, why am I also worried about when this all goes away? Why, as sad as I am that so many people I have to see behind a window, do I feel so so close to those I really love? Why is my perspective all out of sorts?

I'm just not that important.

Even when the world stops spinning, it still finds a way to go on.

Even if you are not going on all cylinders all of the time, things still get done on their own time.

Most importantly, why did it take a pandemic, why did the world need to stop spinning, for my perspective to finally change?


I'm listening

When was the last time you said I love you...I'm listening...to yourself?

Lovies, mom has a small obsession with yoga. So much so that in 2020, I added an additional class. Because 2020 was going to be my year of clam and bright, my year of finding my distance and now, well, that's all I've done. I have found so much time to sleep. I have found so much distance. And although it's not all calm and bright, there is something about the world not spinning that has me feeling like somehow, we're all in it together. But yoga was her time. And for some reason, I'm struggling to find my ambition for it at home and I need to because now is the time I need to remember to breathe to keep it all together. My classes kept me together and kept me thinking. Like the one I got to attend months ago.

When was the last time you said I love you...I'm listening...to yourself?

That's how my new class started. When was the last time you said...I love you...I'm listening...to yourself?

There was a long pause before the last part was stated. Therefore, when she said the words when was the last time you said I love you, I'm listening? I quickly starting thinking in my head, this morning about 20 times. To you guys and hubby and Pearl girl...it falls out of my mouth all of the time. I love you drips from me so much that I have found other ways to show you the level I'm feeling it at that moment. I always always feel it and saying it is what I always always do.

We're so quick to say it to others and really mean it, but when was the last time you were that gentle and kind with yourself?

Never, the answer for me is never.

Lovies, there are so many times my mind and body are screaming at mom and she is just not listening. And when do I show myself any grace, love, a moment of pride...well never. The answer is never for me.

Because I don't listen well. I don't listen to warnings or alarm bells or signs. I see them, I acknowledge that they are there, I even introduce myself to them, but I do not listen. When my body is asking me to stop and slow down, I tell it to shut up. You're fine, this is how it has to be for right now and you can do it. I know you're tired but so what, anyone can do anything for a week, month, year, three years. Just keep going. Let's get to the other side. So, then, something revolts. My body reminds me who is really in charge and it takes things away. It adds to my plate and adds more worry and concern. It can come physically with shakes, emotionally with panic, mentally with forgetfulness. Each time, I "listen" in the way that I admit it's too much, I might even take a break, but then I double right back down.

And love myself? When does anyone ever take a moment to say, you did something, I'm proud of you, and I love you? Do people do that?

So, these last two months, I have been going through something. Something that the pandemic and crisis actually have nothing to do with. I am struggling with my pride. I am struggling with my sensitivity. I am struggling with how hard I worked on something and how I am being made to feel less than. And people can only make you feel less than if you let them. If you too feel like you didn't do your best. But, even if you feel you did the best you could, you still worry it wasn't THE best. But, being THE best isn't possible...doing your best is. It's all I ask of you, so it's all I'm going to ask of me too.

I did my best. I worked my ass of. I was good at parts, I learned from other parts. I made my own path, others don't have to follow and shouldn't have to follow. I did my best.

I believed in my work. I rolled up my sleeves. I worked hard. I lost sleep. I lost my mind, I found myself, I was afforded opportunities, I did my best. I was good at a lot of it, I wasn't the best at any of it. Things could have gone better, been better, but I loved it. I loved it. I loved me in it because I felt like I was good at it. It was my hum for so long. I did my very best.

So, Sabrina, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of the doubt and I'm sorry that you're being made to feel this way. I'm most sorry that you are allowing them to make you feel this way. I say this with kindness but stop it. Stop it and stand up for what you did, stand proud by it. Stop worrying what they are saying and why. Listen to me, it does not matter.

I'm sorry that you are the one taking the hit for nothing. I'm sorry you are taking this beating right now. I'm sorry that it feels this way, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you didn't listen to all of the warnings that it was too much. I know you did your best. You put everything aside for something you loved and believed in. And, I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you for surrounding yourself with people who are so much smarter than you are. I'm proud of you for giving it your all. I'm proud of how you handled yourself and I'm proud of how you carried yourself. I'm proud of you for caring and I'm proud of your heart and your work ethic. I'm so proud of how much you cared, I'm proud that you always give it your all. I love you for the way you love. I love you for the way that you care. I love you for always being all in.

Sabrina, please start listening. Please learn from this. Please put it behind you and do what you always do, your very best. Set this up the way your heart knows you need to. You are not a child, you can rise above the rumors and BS. I'm sorry Sabina, I'm listening and I do love you.


Five Minute Friday - another

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on another.


It's another day, another week, another month of isolation.

It's another way of trying to figure out what to do, what to continue doing, what to do now.

It's another long walk. It's another home work out, it's another cup of coffee, another glass of wine. It's another day of all of us together, it's another day of me trying to find a moment alone, it's another day.

It's another whirlwind of emotions. It's another day of being really thankful for how lucky and privileged I am. It's another roller-coaster ride of figuring out how to make it stop feeling so daunting, stop being so worried. It's another way of me trying to make plans and to dos when you can't. It's another way to plan and wanting needing a plan when you can't. It's another day.

It's another day of lots of talking and lots of family time and lots of eating. It's another day of being totally fine with it because we all need some grace. It's another day of letting go and trying so so hard to find normal, new normal, what another day will look like when they all look exactly the same but so so different.



The talks

They started long before the world went quiet. They started when you needed me most and when I was finally able to be there. They started on our walks, or right before bed, or in the car. They started as nonsense, little things that made you hysterically laugh. They would always have something I never realized about you. Something you've been wanting, waiting, to tell me.

They've brought us closer because we are building trust and I am working on my reactions, especially my lack thereof. So, the quieter I am, the more and more you talk.

You tell me about your day, you tell me about your friends, you tell me about your teachers. You tell me about what is concerning to you, sometimes I have to prod a little to get you to talk about some bigger stuff. Sometimes I have to ask more open-ended conversations about things. But mostly, you just talk and I just listen.

And, you look forward to this time together as much as I do. You ask for it now, time with just us. You ask for moments with me, walks, drives, errands. You ask to be together. Most times you want nothing more than to just be together, but that's how it always starts, moments of quiet that get you to talk.

And I do have to filter through it, sometimes I need to stop you and ask a follow up question, sometimes, I let you know how I would feel, but none of that is important.

All that matters is that you are talking and that you keep talking. All that matters is that you know I am here, I am available and I am listening. All that matters is that you know it is safe for you to talk to me, it doesn't mean there won't be questions or at times concern, but you are safe. You can ask me things, big things little things, they all seem pretty big to you right now. You can ask me how I met dad, how I knew I loved him, what we were like when we were dating, you can ask me what it was like before I met dad, you can ask me what I'm afraid of and what I do about it. You can tell me that you're afraid too, and even though you think you're scared of a lot more things than you actually are and even though you think this bonds us, the truth is sweetie, you always try. You always put yourself out there and try so, that makes you so much braver than you will ever realize.

This introverted mom is pretty tired. There is very little alone time and my moments of reprieve are now filled with kiddos in tow. There is a lot of time together, a lot of hanging on each other, a lot of talking.

Please keep talking. Please allow me the wisdom to keep my mouth shut. Please afford us this time. Please tell me how much you really want to go back to school and why. Please tell me who you miss and why. Please tell me what is changing around you and why. Please keep talking.


Five Minute Friday - patient

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on patient.


It can mean to tolerate the passing of time and wait for the right moment.

It can mean you are ill and waiting for medical advice.

It can be what we're all trying to be and trying not to be in this moment.

It can be rough right now, no matter the meaning.

At at time when the grownups are trying to be grownups, in our house, it's the kiddos that are doing the best with this. Finding ways to pass the time, yes bored, yes too much on screens, yes, at times the bored silly makes my cringe, but all in all, they are just waiting, patiently waiting.

At a time when we are all holding our breath trying to see into the future and get answers, all we can do, all we are being asked to do is wait. Patiently wait. There will of course be an end, but we're not there yet. So, wait it out, hold on, just stay put.

At a time when I start to think we're getting closer to the end, news hits of someone else who is sick and it brings me right back to the seriousness of this. How devastating and scary it can be. How for some, it feels like a bad few days, for others, well, for others it's been really bad. Others are being patient, waiting for it to pass in a different way and just cannot wait to only be home-bound.

At a time when all we have control over is time. Time is ours now, we finally have a little more control, even though we lost so much control. All the things we put off because "we just don't have the time" now we do. So I guess we will find out what is really important to us.

To tolerate the passing of time. To be in medical need. To be patient.



Five Minute Friday - now

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on now.


I was talking to a friend about how we all have been giving it all that we're got for years. We all push ourselves for tomorrow, next week, next month, next vacation, next weekend, next year. We all push and push. We all take on too much. We all do. We all keep going.

But now, it all stopped. Now, the world got really quiet. Now, this is all we have. We have right now. So, what can we do with it? What can we make of it? How can we survive it?

There are those that will still only think of tomorrow because how can you not? How can we not worry about what is all going to keep coming at us?

There are those that go through the roller-coaster of emotions, being fine, being good, being heartbroken, being worried, being insane, being hard on ourselves, being grateful.

But, if you can, as an entire community, we will never ever have an opportunity to sit in today, be here and now.

So now, I'm trying to keep some amount of normalcy.

Now, I am sleeping in a lot more.

Now, I have loosened my grip on my lists.

Now, I have loosened my grip all together.

Now, I'm taking a ton of walks.

Now, I miss my framily.

Now, I am finding ways to stay connected to those I love.

Now, I get to watch you learn, like I did your very first year of life.

Now, real family comes together. Real family offers support and love. Real family reaches out. Real family shows up.

Now, I go to bed later, now, the exhaustion is different.

Now, my brain is starting to get clearer, things are less fuzzy.

Now, anxiety comes in waves so I have to practice not thinking too far ahead.

Now, I find humor.

Now, I listen to a lot of chewing, a lot of gulping, a lot of talking, a lot and lot and lot of talking!

Now, I light a lot more candles.

Now, our house is messy and weird.

Now, we watch so much TV I freaking love it!

Now, the puppy is in heaven.

Now, the kids really turn to our traditions, to find their own normalcy.

Now, I get to watch in real life the sentence "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times" come to life.


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