20
Apr

I'm listening

When was the last time you said I love you...I'm listening...to yourself?

Lovies, mom has a small obsession with yoga. So much so that in 2020, I added an additional class. Because 2020 was going to be my year of clam and bright, my year of finding my distance and now, well, that's all I've done. I have found so much time to sleep. I have found so much distance. And although it's not all calm and bright, there is something about the world not spinning that has me feeling like somehow, we're all in it together. But yoga was her time. And for some reason, I'm struggling to find my ambition for it at home and I need to because now is the time I need to remember to breathe to keep it all together. My classes kept me together and kept me thinking. Like the one I got to attend months ago.

When was the last time you said I love you...I'm listening...to yourself?

That's how my new class started. When was the last time you said...I love you...I'm listening...to yourself?

There was a long pause before the last part was stated. Therefore, when she said the words when was the last time you said I love you, I'm listening? I quickly starting thinking in my head, this morning about 20 times. To you guys and hubby and Pearl girl...it falls out of my mouth all of the time. I love you drips from me so much that I have found other ways to show you the level I'm feeling it at that moment. I always always feel it and saying it is what I always always do.

We're so quick to say it to others and really mean it, but when was the last time you were that gentle and kind with yourself?

Never, the answer for me is never.

Lovies, there are so many times my mind and body are screaming at mom and she is just not listening. And when do I show myself any grace, love, a moment of pride...well never. The answer is never for me.

Because I don't listen well. I don't listen to warnings or alarm bells or signs. I see them, I acknowledge that they are there, I even introduce myself to them, but I do not listen. When my body is asking me to stop and slow down, I tell it to shut up. You're fine, this is how it has to be for right now and you can do it. I know you're tired but so what, anyone can do anything for a week, month, year, three years. Just keep going. Let's get to the other side. So, then, something revolts. My body reminds me who is really in charge and it takes things away. It adds to my plate and adds more worry and concern. It can come physically with shakes, emotionally with panic, mentally with forgetfulness. Each time, I "listen" in the way that I admit it's too much, I might even take a break, but then I double right back down.

And love myself? When does anyone ever take a moment to say, you did something, I'm proud of you, and I love you? Do people do that?

So, these last two months, I have been going through something. Something that the pandemic and crisis actually have nothing to do with. I am struggling with my pride. I am struggling with my sensitivity. I am struggling with how hard I worked on something and how I am being made to feel less than. And people can only make you feel less than if you let them. If you too feel like you didn't do your best. But, even if you feel you did the best you could, you still worry it wasn't THE best. But, being THE best isn't possible...doing your best is. It's all I ask of you, so it's all I'm going to ask of me too.

I did my best. I worked my ass of. I was good at parts, I learned from other parts. I made my own path, others don't have to follow and shouldn't have to follow. I did my best.

I believed in my work. I rolled up my sleeves. I worked hard. I lost sleep. I lost my mind, I found myself, I was afforded opportunities, I did my best. I was good at a lot of it, I wasn't the best at any of it. Things could have gone better, been better, but I loved it. I loved it. I loved me in it because I felt like I was good at it. It was my hum for so long. I did my very best.

So, Sabrina, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of the doubt and I'm sorry that you're being made to feel this way. I'm most sorry that you are allowing them to make you feel this way. I say this with kindness but stop it. Stop it and stand up for what you did, stand proud by it. Stop worrying what they are saying and why. Listen to me, it does not matter.

I'm sorry that you are the one taking the hit for nothing. I'm sorry you are taking this beating right now. I'm sorry that it feels this way, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you didn't listen to all of the warnings that it was too much. I know you did your best. You put everything aside for something you loved and believed in. And, I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you for surrounding yourself with people who are so much smarter than you are. I'm proud of you for giving it your all. I'm proud of how you handled yourself and I'm proud of how you carried yourself. I'm proud of you for caring and I'm proud of your heart and your work ethic. I'm so proud of how much you cared, I'm proud that you always give it your all. I love you for the way you love. I love you for the way that you care. I love you for always being all in.

Sabrina, please start listening. Please learn from this. Please put it behind you and do what you always do, your very best. Set this up the way your heart knows you need to. You are not a child, you can rise above the rumors and BS. I'm sorry Sabina, I'm listening and I do love you.

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