Childhoodtake2!

If there is one thing we all learned this year, it is that time matters. Well, I don't know if we all learned it, but I certainly did. Coming off of three extremely tough years...years that hurt me physically, mentally, hurt relationships, hurt my mind, tore me apart some...years I spent more time crying than doing anything else at all...I did that all because I knew that time matters. Time with you, time with those I love, time to read, time to nap, time matters.

And then, coming to a full and complete stop...time matters.

When this first hit, and we all thought it would be over in a few weeks...maybe even a month or two...I really stopped. I snuggled into the quiet and the calm that I was privileged enough to have. I snuggled into naps, long runs, watching time go by. To some, time no longer mattered, to me, it mattered.

My lists became what did not matter. My have tos no longer important and everyone was just trying to figure this new life out, thinking it would all be temporary. Once things lingered, no one was doing anything well, we all knew it, we were all just hanging on. I still held up most of my routines, I still did "me", but I really relished the fact that time was what I was afforded and I took advantage of it all.

I took long walks with my daughter. I ran far but not for distance and time anymore, but for time alone and time with them. I walked my dog all of the time, I still do. It's our amazing time together, and if she doesn't get it now, she gets furious with me. After all, I took something from her, I took away her time and time matters.

I read, some. But I didn't make it a task or a goal, I just read when the time was right, when my daughter asked me for a reading date, when I decided the screens were too much and demanded a reading date. I found time to read again, and time matters.

I drank so much coffee I should probably start cutting back but just do not want to. I drank wine and I "gathered" with friends, squads that leaned on each other, even on videos and walks. I drank with my husband, we would have a "we made it through another day" toast. I relished all of the time I had found because time matters.

I worked hard on my business, it flourished. I finally had time to dedicate to it and it really showed. I was so fortunate to hold on to our business, our income. I sit back and think hard about where I was five years ago when I started to feel like it was time to move on. I sit back and think hard about where I was one year ago, how hard it all seemed but things slowly falling into place. And as I sit here today, I do not for one second take for granted the fact that it worked out. I found something that I am good at, enjoy, can make a living off of, and gives me back my time. I no longer work from 4am till 10 or 11pm. I no longer work in my sleep. I no longer work while I'm driving. I no longer dream and have nightmares about work. I no longer sit in the shower and think about it all and rush out because I have 5 minutes before it all starts. I have a life back. I have time in my life now. I have my own calendar. I have time and time matters.

So, just as I asked for calm in my life. The world stopped spinning. Just as I desperately needed time, the universe showed up and made time meaningless and the most meaningful things in life.

Time matters kiddos. How you spend it, what you do with it, who you spend it with. It matters on the days you sit around doing nothing. It matters on the days you are crushing goals. It matters when you are exhausted and finally rest your bones. It matters when you are cold and decide to put your body into warm water. It matters, time matters. And in a year when it was exhausting to be alive, time showed up and reminded us that we are at a fork in the road now. We can go back to speeding through life, we can go back to everything being too important all of the time. I know we will not continue to stand still, most cannot and will not even if they could. But, we can also decide that time matters and make choices that are simple and on purpose. We can stop having life happen to us and around us and we can once and for all decide that time is important.

Listening to a podcast this week, the host asked her interviewee, how do you know when to keep going and be persistent, and when do you know it's time to walk away, take a break, or realize it's not working.

If you don't know this already, you will for sure find out...Mom has no idea how to do this. This specific question has kept me up too many nights. Last Friday, I joined my Five Minute Friday group to write on the word "beyond" and all I could write about was when things are beyond our control and how heavily I lean into above and beyond.

I realized in these past few weeks how I have always felt almost born wrong because I don't know when or how to stop. I only know how to add, never ever take away.

And then weeks later, the podcast host was talking about how she too piles on and why she does so. As an upholder, I feel so comfortable and way better when I do more and more. Control of the things in my life, schedules, doing my routine, that is all freedom for me. So although I can pat myself on the back for a job well done, the truth is, I just feel better doing it all.

And there you have it. That explains all of me all of the time. That is why I am the way that I am.

Why do I keep going and going?

Why to I choose to kill myself over this too?

Why do I not know when it's time to stop?

Why can't I realize I need to stop or walk away?

Why don't I feel like I can or should stop?

Because, walking away from goals, dreams, relationships, love, all of it, feels out of control. Giving up, and I can't just give up.

But, just because this feels right and in control and weirdly comforting, it does actually at times cause honest harm. So, how does anyone know and really understand that their tactics are not working, and it's time to do the opposite?

Sweeties, I do not know. I do not know how to teach you this because I do not know any of these answers. It is one of my many faults and I cannot ever seem to figure it out. I'm an all-in girl and whenever things spin out of control or get out of hand or I'm in over my head...I don't just keep going, I add. I double down. Hard. I give more, I do more, I push harder, and I never ever know how to walk away. Even if it is not healthy.

I don't know for sure but I do not think that either of you are all in. I think you might go the other way and drop more balls than you pick up. I'm going to work hard at understanding this, allowing you to find your groove and also reminding you that it may not be the healthiest if you go too far in any one direction. Don't let everything drop, it'll be too hard to pick back up again.

How did the woman being interviewed answer the question about being persistent vs letting it go? She said she looks for the long game. The over all goal she will not give up on. A healthy relationship with her partner, even if it means a divorce. Writing that book, no matter how many years it takes. Getting her body healthy, maybe with many baby steps that will take a year or more to figure out. She looks at the long road ahead and figures out how to keep that goal there, be persistent about that, but set your expectations for a healthy way to get there.

In the meantime, I don't know if I will ever be able to do that. I struggle with the concept of accept yourself and challenge yourself. Is this all in girl someone I just accept or do I challenge her to knock it off? When things are so daunting, will I go into auto drive and not even realize it or will I ever be able to take a step back and realize I need to walk away from whatever "this" is?

There are so many times the all in girl serves me and the people I love very, very well. There are other times that it is so clear that too much is too much. If I were to ask myself, honestly, would I go back and do it all over again...just as I did the first time? Most of the time I answer a loud yes so for now, that is my answer. I just need to accept the truth of it all.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on beyond.

I am working on a longer post this week that talks about my ability to go "above and beyond", the pros and cons of that, the inability I have to not give it my all, the difficulty I have in stopping.

Then, last night, a few of us got into a conversation about what happens to us and how we emotionally and actually respond when things are beyond our control. Does the lack of control make us regroup? Does it make us reprioritize and seek a healthy mental state? Do we double down on lists and tasks? Do we let more and more things go? Do we take more and more on? The conversation kept me up most of the night thinking, wondering, amazed at how different we all are. Amazed at how little we try and understand each other, amazed at how much we do try and understand each other.

And this is where my next post comes in because weeks ago I started thinking about this and maybe because of that, or maybe because more and more people are talking about it, I find myself listening to a lot of different perspectives. What "works" for me, when I do know and come to terms with what is "not working". How to I manage and most importantly, how do I tackle life when everything is beyond my control.

This year started me working on my business full time. A reduction in my working hours, a peace and calm I was really needing. Like all of us, I went through the horror of this pandemic, the worry of family who I honestly thought I might lose, the concern of "what ifs" with the company and if I lost my income, the worry of not going out and the depression that came with not seeing those I love. This year, the world caught on actual fire. Everywhere we looked, there was social unrest, a reckoning we needed to do, still need to do, big changes we had to make. As as the world caught on fire, I watched people still be themselves in the sense that they worried about things that were "insane" to me. I watched as their priorities seemed so skewed and clearly not important.

So, what if I used the same grace on them that I am using towards others. What if I realize that they are leaning into what makes them comfortable because things are beyond their control and "control" is too important to them? What if I offered myself that same grace and said that I'm not "too much" all of the time. I just am and when things are beyond my control, I go above and beyond to make it feel right in my head.

Stop.