Childhoodtake2!

Alright lovies, I know you know and can feel this but here is the absolute truth...
I love to work.
I always have.
Even when the jobs were just jobs and not careers.

Even when I felt like I was drowning and it was clear that I hated it. I loved it even then. 

• I love to work.
• I'm good at work.
• I'm capable.
• I have a groove.
• I have a flow.
• I see the big picture and I see the little details to get me there.
• I see how the pieces can come together.
• I feel good doing it, something comes alive in me.
• I feel invigorated by the challenge. I love stepping up, honestly, I love stepping up.

I love it so much it's what I would do in my spare time. It's what I actually do in my spare time. If I have even a minute to spare, I'm right back working.

I love it so much it's unhealthy, I have to remind myself I'm more than work. I'm more than work and working. I need more.

I love it so much that you have to remind me that I'm more than work. You have to remind me that I need more than work. You have to tell me to come to eat, come watch a movie. Let's go take a walk, will you read with me? Do you have time for a reading date? Will you play now? I love it so much I need you to peel me away. And for that, I'm sorry but I'm also so thankful.

I know it's not fair that you need to do this for me, and for that, I'm so sorry. I know this should not be your job, and for that, I am so sorry. But I'm so thankful that you remind me how much more there is to this life of ours. I'm so thankful that you fill my life with other. I'm so thankful that you pull me away. And here is what I have learned.

Nothing is that important.
Most importantly, I am not that important.
Most things can definitely wait.  
My business will be fine, my clients are fine, my team, fine. 
It feels like life and death to me because I created that in my mind. 
It's not my only love.
It's not the only thing I'm good at. 

I do love work. But I started this business because I couldn't do what I was doing anymore. I loved work to actual death and I was the one that felt like she was dying.

I have no idea how you and those that love me stood by me. I have no idea how family and framily and friends and my squad did not walk away. I have no idea how or why you lovies were so patient with me. I have no idea how your little understood what I was working towards. And now that I'm here, thank you for reminding me that I can love it with all of my heart, but to leave so much more room for our life.

Hi 2021, bring peace.

It's a big ask. I asked 2020 to make things calm and bright. Although you can argue that we did not get either, I can also argue that I got a little bit of both.

So why peace?

Because it was a year of unrest. A year of chaos. A year that was needed, the chaos, unrest, unpeaceful year was needed. We had been living in privilege for too long and the entire world needed to hear the roar. A year that needed anger and uprising. It was a year that was needed.

And although we are not stopping, and the work, the hard work, will continue, we are also going to find a way to allow peace in. It is time for a little bit of peace.

I spent a lifetime proving and doing. I spent a lifetime making this really hard on myself. Some think it has been a way to continue to punish, they may be right. Some think it is how I have always been wired, they may be right. I think it was to prove that I could. When you are told all of your life that you can't, there are many ways to react to that, I picked fighting and fighting hard.

And then 2020 came. As I was wrapping up three of the most difficult years, 2020 came. As I was ready to put down my fighting gloves and stop proving, 2020 came. As I was ready to slow down, 2020 came. As I was ready to catch my breath, find myself again, 2020 came. As I was ready to find my mind, remember and see things more clearly, 2020 came. As I was ready, 2020 came.

I found balance in a year where everything stopped. I found a way to work, a way to stop when I needed to, a way to nap, a way to allow the calm. I fought through imposter syndrome, I fought through "why am I doing this and who do I think I am?" I fought through all the negativity I was throwing my way. I let go of a lot of my past. I stood up for myself in ways that made me uncomfortable and proud. Uncomfortable because when a mouse finally says enough, it feels like a storm destroying the earth. When all I really did was say, I deserve better and you can no longer make me feel this way.

I stopped crying. I used to cry a lot. In the shower, on my way to work, in my dreams. I stopped crying. I stopped worrying all of the time. I stopped dreaming about work. I stopped having nightmares. I stopped having moments of insane panic. I stopped feeling like someone was standing on my chest, taking away my breath. I stopped feeling bad all of the time. I stopped.

I was able to no longer say "I'm not ok" I used to say that a lot. "I'm not ok", because I wasn't. I was not ok. And once I found my way to this place, it all came rushing back. My time with my kids started really feeling differently. I was no longer checking off boxes, I was really with them. Watching TV feels different. Isn't that insane? Watching TV feels more present and less brutal. How did watching TV ever feel brutal?

I found my laugh, I found joy. That's a big big one. Joy. There are so many moments through my day, day in and out, that joy now sneaks in. During a walk, I will get a shot of it. Driving in my car, I feel it. I am no longer rushed to one place or another, I no longer feel like I'm always late and running into trouble. I drive the speed limit. It's these incredibly small and stupid things that bring this rush of joy and this stupid smile to my face.

And so 2021, I need to remember that peace is necessary. Yes, there is a lot of work to do and a lot of wrong to right. There is a lot to do. I am running a business, there is a lot to do. I am a mom to two littles, there is a lot to do. But, I no longer want to move through life and just know I need to be somewhere based on a schedule. I want to see where I am. I want to feel my days. I want to feel when I need to stop and stop. No, I am not all woo-woo. No, I am not all-knowing, really couldn't be farther from either. No, I am not regretful. I know that if I had to do it all over again, I would. Just the way I did. Only because I know no other way and every step, decision, every moment of exhaustion allowed this to happen. I honestly do not think I would love, embrace, and really appreciate this time if it were not for the previous years. So, no, I do not regret any decision.

But I am happy, I am ok again.

Hi 2021, please bring peace.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on fix.

"A nation that isn’t broken, but simply unfinished." Amanda Gorman

I hope we all listened to the woman that stole the show. To the woman that showed honor and grace and love and support. To the woman that showed leadership and heart and humility. To the woman that came to remind us, we don't need to fix the broken, we need to finish the job.

Each generation should get us one step closer, no, more than one step. This generation moved us leaps and bounds further because they forced us to come to terms with who we have been and who we are. But, we are not broken, we just are unfinished.

We took to the streets, we let our concerns and our voices heard. We voted. We voted hard. We stood up for what was just, we said enough. We are so ready to move forward. We are so ready to move forward as one. One Nation, one people, under God. We are so ready to finish the job.

We are ready to heal our planet, our souls, our bones. We are ready to heal our hearts, our hate. We are ready to heal. As one, we are ready to heal as one. I too thought we are so broken, there is no way to fix any of this. We are too divided, too angry, it is all too much.

Until a young, gorgeous, smart, incredible woman, took to the stage. She was so confident, so humble, so ready. And she reminded me, that we are not a broken nation, we are simply unfinished.

And our work begins as we try to finish our job for our littles, for our future, for theirs.

Dear Joe, may I call you Joe? I understand that Joe is how you went through campaigning, but it feels so casual, considering. I want you to know there are so many reasons I voted for you, and when the time comes, I need my babies to know why too. I also wanted to ask some things of you, and wish you all the best for what is about to come your way.

First, let me start with the reasons.

1. It's true, you NOT being #45 was a major reason. I promise it was not my only, but yeah, it played a very big role in the decision. I am not even going to try and pretend it did not play a role. I spent years saying, anyone but, but the truth is, you are not anyone.
2. I can see, clearly, that you are going to take this role very seriously. You come to it humbly and with caution, but with a plan. Strong plans, plans I can get behind, plans that make me feel like we are moving the country in the right direction. You take the title seriously, the role, the honor of what has been bestowed upon you. You are serious about this. You are not doing it for any other reason other than to serve and you take that service seriously.
3. Your VP choice. She is bright, she too has plans. They will not always align with yours and for that, you specifically picked her. Your foundation was here, you both felt sold in the foundation and I am excited to see what you are going to build together. Thank you for making women's rights matter. Thank you for showing the whole world how important this decision was. Thank you for making POC matter. Thank you for showing the whole world how important this decision was. Thank you for realizing that the only way to break cycles is to not repeat them.
4. You are a leader. My definition of a leader, you are my definition of a leader. A true leader, in my humble and inexperienced opinion, is someone that puts "it" above them. You will be making extremely difficult decisions. Decisions that half of this country will be 100% against you. Decisions that even those that believe in you, those that voted for you, they too will not agree with each and every decision you make. But, even if I do not agree, I know that every decision will be made with America in your heart. I know that every decision will be made with where we want America to be 4 years from now and how do we want to get there? In that, I trust, so I trust you.

The mess that you are both walking into is truly overwhelming. For me anyway. There are times I feel so small and so insignificant and most of what you are about to face is not my day in and day out. We are divided, we are broken. We are battling a pandemic. We are battling a civil rights movement. We have too many citizens that have lost...lives, jobs, loved ones, money, connection, trust, faith. There are enemies afar and those within and through it all, you want to be America's President. So, January 20th you will be sworn in. You will stand proud. You will take a deep breath in, I can see it now. You will most likely get emotional. You will have us pulling for you.

Continue to be you, the person we put our trust into. Be the man you stated you were, the leader you promised you would be. Your country needs you now more than ever.

Day six of a year we all begged for, it all went dark. Day 6, hope was lost again and once again our world was turned upside down and I am reminded of how much of a mess this country is. Those that spew hate will not allow us to forget, so for that, I thank them. I worry that otherwise, we will all become too complacent and forget that we have too much work to do.

I have heard and read a lot of messages stating "this is not who we are", but the truth is lovies, this is exactly who we are. This is who we have always been, who we still are, and we have to stop acting like it isn't. But, that doesn't mean it's who we want to be, or who we should be, or roll over and just accept it. No, this is one of those times we fight. We fight hard for change and we land on the right side of history.

We are not allowed to sit by and say that this isn't my fight. It's happening "over there" and I'm not taking part in it so that alone is enough of a stand. It is no longer okay to say "that's not me", it's now that we say "this is how I am fixing it."

1. Stop pretending and saying, this isn't us. It is.
2. Understand that those who are black/brown/nonwhite are exhausted. They have been fighting since before they were born, and we haven't. We are just getting started and we have no right to be tired.
3. Also understand that it is up to white people to clean up this mess. It is our mess. We brought this mess on ourselves and it is up to us to pick up a broom and get to cleaning.
4. That does not mean that we don't listen, we have to not just listen to those that are not white, we have to believe them. We shouldn't have needed cameras and witnesses, we should have always just believed them.
5. We did not hire a dictator 4 years ago, we hired a leader and then in November, we fired him. We cannot pretend that 81,000,000+ million citizens' voices do not count and do not matter. THAT is not who we are. If there is one thing we all can agree on, it's that we let our voice be heard by voting. It's the foundation of how we were built. So, in terms that you understand #45, you're fired. Period and end of story, get out of our house. The one built by slaves that we dragged here.
6. I keep saying it, more as a mantra but also because it is true...there are more of us! There are more that want this to be different but we cannot sit back. Lovies, your mama is crazy about this and won't shut up or stop because that is not how you get to change. I'm not just preaching though, I'm getting us all involved because THAT is how you get to change. I won't back off from this, and I won't let you back off either.

January 6th was not a surprise. We were being told it was going to happen. #45 told us during the debates when he asked the Proud Boys to "stand back and STAND BY". He told us during his rallies. He told us in his tweets. He told us in his speeches. He told us over and over. So, here we are. It happened. He asked his supporters to commit an act of terrorism...domestic terrorism. And then they did. With such a brash, insane, and casual openness. So, where do we go from here?

We fight for the country we actually want.