Childhoodtake2!

For the first three years of your life, it was all you. All of your firsts, all of your milestones. Every single time you did something new, you had a first, so did we. We captured all of it. I wrote about it, I measured your everything, I wrote you letters, I journaled for you, I captured it all in photos, I created so many albums with you front and center.

Then, the other day I was thinking about how you leave for college, Cole will only be 15 and will still have a lot of firsts and milestones. Maybe a prom, driving lessons, driving on his own, maybe a team. There will be moments that exist and will be captured and you will not be here to see them. You won't be in the memories, because you won't be here.

And just like he literally wasn't here for the first three years of your life, you will not be in our home the last three years of his life with us full time. I don't know why I am thinking about this now and I don't know why it feels stranger to me to think of it and it wasn't strange at all with it in reverse.

The obvious reasons are he wasn't even a thought back then. He was a fit to a puzzle we didn't know was even missing. But once you got here, you were always here, with us. The thought of you living out there, calling to catch me up (hopefully), the thought of life moving on because you've moved on, it's all so far-away and right around the corner.

When I get like this, dad gets annoyed thinking that I'm so focused and living in a world that is so far off that I'm not present and enjoying all the things between now and then. But, I see it differently. For me, thinking of those days makes me more present, more patient, more on top of being with you. Because I know the window will close so so soon.

Listen, your mama has done a pretty decent job not making you her everything. I love my work, I have friends, I have activities and hobbies, I even have an empty nest bucket list. But, as much as I have tried to make my life full outside of motherhood, I have really loved motherhood. I truly adore and feel so special and chosen to be your mom. I feel so honored that you picked me. I tuck you in and see that little face, those little cheeks, I cannot help but get overwhelmed with the fact that I get to do this. I get to mother you. I get to be your goodnight kiss. I get to help you, I get to take walks with you. I get to be the one you can't wait to tell stories to. I get to be your mama.

And soon, all too soon, I get to watch you be the person you were always meant to be, out there. All too soon, I get to watch from the side lines and my front row seat will be replaced, taken away. I promise I know it is the way it has to be, is meant to be, the stupid circle of life and all, but yeah,

It's going to happen. I know that and I know that anything I try and do to slow it down or hold on too tight will make it backfire and have you resent me. So, I have to let it happen.

It's going to happen. You are going to grow up and out of your little. My little book nerd (god I hope you keep that always and forever) will find new passions and loves. My little one that tells me how much she adores me, and wants hugs all of the time, will fight me when I want any time with her (I do hope you hold on to some of our times together). My little one that tells me ALL of the things, with ALL of the details, will keep things closer to her chest.

It's going to happen. We're going to have years of pictures with just Cole, and you won't be there. You won't be a part of it, you'll be living a life somewhere else. You'll be checking in, more like I'll be begging for a check in. But, I'm going to have to really get my head around it being a different set of three. Until we are back down to the two who started it all.

New York is starting to wake up again. The days are much longer, there is still light at 7pm, the sun is a little brighter. Even on the really cold cold days, we know that spring is trying to make her way back.

Today, I watched you both play outside like little little kids. I heard the laughter and shouts. God, monkey, you could spend forever outside no matter the weather but when you get to be outside with your big sister, you are in heaven.

Today, you asked and begged for play time with both of us outside. You and dad played hockey and basketball and you could not get enough.

Today, I took the puppy for our first really long run. We ran by the track, and I saw our little town wake up. I saw people walking, hand in hand. I saw dogs smiling and pulling owners. I saw cars with their windows down and people grinning from ear to ear, we all woke up again.

Today, I cleaned out my car and threw away all of gunk that comes with winter. All the salt, rocks, the garbage that is too cold to throw away when it's winter, isn't that weird, that winter makes it all feel a little too hard. But, not today. Today, it felt invigorating to throw things away and gather up all the old and start again.

Today, I drank really cold water, and it felt refreshing. I didn't turn my fireplace on and that felt like a good start. It hit 61 degrees in our little part of NY and that's warm enough for kids in short sleeves playing by a pile of old ice and snow.

Today, my daughter wore flip flops, my son a tank top. My dog was panting during our run, got tired even. During my run, I started to sweat a little.

Hello and good morning to us all as we wake up from the long winter slumber. This winter was a little colder, a little harder. The snow hit us hard, we lost some trees, but nature is really trying to heal now...sound familiar?

Next week, I get my second shot of the vaccine. I never in my life thought that I would be living through a movie like scenario in which a country has to figure out how to roll out a vaccine after we have lost half a million people. But, we are healing. Last week, hate struck again as 8 people were gunned down by a white hateful 21 year-old. Their families are living a nightmare, our country is trying to figure this out, and no one has any answer that will make the pain ever end. But somehow, faith carries us through to the other side and we heal.

Faith in each other. Faith in good over evil. Faith in love over hate. Faith in tomorrow being another day as we open our eyes and stretch. Faith in starting over. Faith in science. Faith in healing.

Hello again spring.

There was a long stretch of time in which our house was a lot more yelling than it was love. There was a long stretch of time I felt I was reliving my childhood in the worst way and I could see in your eyes the worry and concern and worst of all, I felt like you were both responding so poorly. You could feel the pressure and we were teaching you the opposite of a supportive team. Bella, we almost lost you during this time. You were full of rage and anger yourself and we could not just talk to you. Monkey, your emotions could not handle it. You were too young to say anything but you made sure we knew how uncomfortable this was for you.

And then I remembered why and how we work. How and why we need each other and the one thing we never let go of, and that is being partners.

Lovies, this...life, doing, being, adulting, it is all really really hard. And, neither I nor dad could do any of the things that we do unless we had each other to lean on and lean on hard. We don't only need each other, we rely on one another in a really special way. I hope you see and recognize that.

I do hope that you remember for the first ten years of parenting, Dad was your morning jam because mom was already at work. And for so many years, mom started her day at 4am so she can be with you starting at 4 or 5 pm. Whenever I dropped a ball, dad picked it up.

I hope you remember that Dad's coaching schedule kept him away at night for 6 months out of the year. Where ever you needed to be, whatever classes you were in, dinner, homework, activities, that was all me. Whenever he dropped a ball, I picked it up.

But, it took me a very long time to get here. See, for the first few years of our marriage, I was so determined to not be "the housewife". The only one that knew where things existed in our home, the only one that cleaned or cleaned up. Because of my fear of recreating where I came from, it took me WAY longer than dad to realize what our partnership looks like. It took me way longer to realize that it's okay that we each have our place and our groove and if I do something better or if it means more to me, I should just do it. It took me years to realize that I needed to put my resentment of my past away and not put that on him. And then, there's the concept of 50/50.

There is no such thing loves and never has that defined a partnership. The reason this works is because I drop and he picks up and vise versa. And most times, that means we are looking more like 90/10. Even though we each have our "areas" that does not mean we let them fall down when the other just can't pick them up.

Partnership means having really hard conversations. I don't like how we are parenting here, I need this part of our life to change, this part isn't working. Really listening to each other and knowing we each are carrying baggage to our trip as a family. Some bags are way heavier than others but even the light ones need to be unpacked.

Partnership means arguments, anger, sticking it out, coming back, realizing what's important, moving forward, taking steps back, being uncomfortable and comfortable and safe. Being a good person to each other.

Partnership means sticking by the other when they are diagnosed forever sick. Partnership means not judging each other when you are trying to figure something out and it's taking too long. Partnership means doing what needs to be done for your team...your family.

Okay, it took mom longer. I was terrified of the fog years. I was so worried about all of us. But I got there. Because a true partner doesn't run when things are tough, they show up.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on possible.

Is it possible to be calm and productive?

Is it possible to be good at your job and good at being a person?

Is it possible to find actual balance in a world that pulls you in every direction?

Is is possible to fix the broken pieces, even if you were the one that pushed yourself off the ledge to be shattered?

In a year in which every corner of the world experienced so much loss, hurt, pain, worry, concern, there were also so many opportunities for me to take hold of my life again. And for that 2020, I thank you for showing me what was actually possible.

I am so saddened that it took the world to stop spinning and for all of the loss that we all endured for me to get my head on straight, that does not sit well with me, but here I am. Saddened that it took so much pain for me to find myself again, but here I am.

Dear work harder not smarter girl, dear all in girl, dear love it to death girl...you have found your hum again. Don't lose that rhythm. You have found your peace again, don't lose that feeling. You have found your joy, your laugh, your heart, don't lose yourself again. Lean into the good in your life and realize how much is possible.

Like family game nights and shutting it down at 5pm.

Like family movie nights and telling yourself nothing is more important than being here with you.

Like walks with your puppy and seeing her smile, seeing a puppy smile!

Like baths and sinking your muscles and bones into the warmth you need.

It's possible to run without a race in your future. It's possible to workout and watch your body get bigger and change your entire mindset for beauty, it's possible to work until you know you have to stop and then...stop. It's possible to reach out to people during the day and remind them how much they mean to you. It's possible to have a squad that is there for you. It's possible to be close, really close, to your children and raise them well.

So, I always thought I knew what was possible. I always thought if I work hard enough, I'll get there. But I couldn't even imagine the possibilities I discovered in a year that forced me to stop all of my old ways. So much more is possible when you are asked to regroup so thank you 2020.