Childhoodtake2!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on quiet.

Go.

The quiet is my favorite thing. It's my favorite place. I live in a very loud world. Two kids, always at each other's throats. A hubby that is very loud. A little boy that stomps instead of walks. A doggy that barks. Lots of meetings with lots and lots of talking. It's always very loud.

This summer, once again, every member of my family will be home. I adore our summers, I love and really wrap myself around their childhood. But damn, it is so loud all of the time.

So I really protect the quiet. I protect the time I get to sit and write. I protect the warm coffee and silence. I protect the time I get alone. I very much love the school year of sending them off and getting to be and think. I love my two days a week of no meetings, those are so so quiet. I love love love the quiet.

I will not be having a quiet little summer. It will be insanely busy. We will always be going. We are doing so much traveling, but that's okay too. It will be a summer of memories and time I will forever remember. There will be a lot of us time. A lot of the four of us all in one place and very little alone time. That's ok too. I know it won't always be like this and I also know how insanely privileged I am to be able to do any of the things we are doing. I realize that one day, the quiet might be too much...I say might and I mean might. So, I will love our summer of crazy and too much.

I will also very much love this fall. When both of my babies climb back on a bus. When my husband heads back to a classroom and the quiet settles in.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on disagree.

Go.

It's been a couple years of disagreements hasn't it? It's been a lot of back and forth and not listening. And there was a definite line drawn in the sand of you're either on one side or the other.

I am 100% in this camp. History is happening, right here and now, and I will not be on the wrong side. I'm so unforgiving that I won't even listen. I don't care what the reasons are, we've been stuck here too long and it's a mess. The world is on actual fire because we can't agree on decent human rights. So, we disagree.

I spent my whole life disagreeing. I spent my whole life telling those who told me no, oh hell yes. I spent a lifetime proving what I thought was my worth.

Quite a few years ago, I thought I put my fighting gloves away. But it took a pandemic for me to realize I was still holding on to so much. And then it took more and more moments of intensity for me to realize there is a time and a place.

There are things I will not back down from, they include a community and life I want for all humans. There are things I will stand up for and I will be loud and disagree. But, believe it or not, I am backing away from others. I just don't have the time, energy, or space to care. They are no longer a priority. In some ways, this is wonderful. In others, I just get quiet and don't want to engage. I guess it's up to me to decide.

Stop.

Is this not enough
This blessed sip of life, is it not enough?

It's certainly not just you, but it's so obvious in you. You seem to shout it from the rooftops, how you feel like it's all not enough and not worth it. How you keep begging, bargaining for more. And because of this, I feel like you take advantage of the time we have here, worrying about things that don't matter. I feel like your priorities aren't straight. I feel like you make things, life, this life, our life, harder.

You can't get out of your own way. But like with all things with you, I try and accept and move on. I try. And I also learn. I learn from you when you are not even realizing it. And you are teaching me, even if you are not trying.

Because the truth is, this blessed sip of life, it is enough. There are so many reasons I have been thinking about this very thought these days. This life we are given, there is a lot of heartache and things to worry about in this life. But there is also so much to be thankful and grateful for.

Isn't it strange...how we move our lives for another day?

Since always, since before always, I have lived for another day. I finally stopped to look at myself. There is something really special about finally doing that. Stopping, taking stock of what you have, what you love. REALLY looking around, there is something moving and special when you can.

I will always have goals and dreams. I will always be planning ahead. Always. But for the last year and a half, I have also slowed down and planted my feet. And that's why I do feel I've had a really good and loving life. I'm not waiting for the best to come, I'm living the best years, each year.

Wash out this tired notion
Oh, that the best is yet to come

And I stopped burning the day.

...this love will open our world
From the dark side we can see the glow of something bright

Isn't it strange...

how it takes a pandemic

or the world to stop spinning

or your life to be ripped away from you

or your real priorities screaming at you

or when you have space,

to finally realize who you are, what you have, what you want?

Isn't is strange?

I'm able to inhale and exhale a little more each and every day. I'm having some really difficult conversations, but I'm also able to realize, love lived here. And I want to thank whoever or whatever gave me this blessed sip of life.

The person I get to spend my life with makes me happy. It's hard but he makes me happy.

My children are loving and kind and able. Parenting is really really hard, but it makes me happy.

My first puppy raised me. She loved me until she said goodnight and she lived her purpose. Losing her was a heartache I didn't realize I could feel, but if losing a puppy is my worse heartache, that's a really good and happy life.

The puppy I currently get to love is full of love and light. She wiggles her bum when she sees me. She hugs me, she smiles. She walks and runs with me. She snuggles into naps with me. She loves my babies. Her dad is her favorite but she makes me so so happy.

I left an agency that taught me so much more than leadership and running a business. They taught me about the importance of childhood and little. They taught me to believe in me and how capable I was. It was hard and exhausting and at times, painful and the stress was debilitating, but I am so happy I found them.

I have a disease. One that is unknown when and what it will take from me. But, for 19 years, I have kept on. Not out of luck, but out of a fight in me. I didn't ask for you, but I'm not going to let you quiet who I am. So yes, I don't know what it will look like in another 19 years, but I am happy with how I dealt with it. I'm proud of the marathon I ran, and the half marathons I ran and ran and ran. I'm proud of the solo races I did and the ones surrounded by hundreds of people. I'm proud of the tris I did and the hard work I put into learning how to swim. I'm proud and happy that it happened to me.

My home is filled with love and memories and every corner has a special moment. It is too big and too messy, and too much, but it makes me so happy to come home.

'Cause we need the light of love in here
Don't beat your head, dry your eyes
Let the love in there
There's bad times but that's OK
Just look for love in it
And don't burn the day away

And I stopped burning the day.