30
Jan

Could I have been...

Your dad thinks I'm crazy, or maybe it drives him crazy, or maybe both...
But TV shows, movies, I cry at all of them.
I feel them...a little too deeply.
Sometimes I can't sleep because of them, sometimes I'm affected for days...seriously days.
He cannot understand it, they are fictional people.
But there is something about their stories and if the acting is good, aren't you supposed to get lost in it?
Are you not supposed to feel as if it is real?

"Don't you ever wonder
Maybe if things had been slightly different
You could be somebody else?"

Don't you ever wonder what it would have been like living a whole different life?
Would you have met someone?
Would you have laughed with friends over coffee?
Would you have laughed, would we have heard you laugh?

"Don't you ever wonder
Could I have been
Don't you ever wonder?
Anyone, anyone
"

Would you have adopted a pet, something small, something to snuggle?
Would you have lived with family or gotten a small place of your own?
What would you have done with this other life?

"Don't you ever wonder?
Don't you ever wonder?
Anyone, anyone, anyone"

I've wondered for you, a lot. I used to wonder for you and talk to you about it.
More than that, I was desperately trying to talk you into it.
I would explain what it would be like, what it would have been like.
Until I realized, no matter what I did or said, it was my fantasy, not yours.

"Could I have been anyone other than me?
Could I have been anyone other than me?
Could I have been anyone other than me?
Could I have been anyone?"

Because I created my home. I created my fantasy. I created family and framily.
And I wanted that for you too.
I saw the promise and the hope.
I saw the stress and the despair and I saw a way out.

"I am who I am, who I am well, who am I?
Requesting some enlightenment
Could I have been anyone other than me?"

And I do not know what it would have looked like for you, in all honestly.
The fantasy I have in my mind, is that what it would have been?
Would it have been lonely instead?
Would it have been scary?
Would you have spent more time worrying, more time crying?
Because it was my fantasy for you, not yours for yourself.

"Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes
But I'll work it out then I..."

And maybe you were living your actual fantasy. Maybe this is the exact life you wanted.
No life is perfect, and yours certainly wasn't either. But it is possible that you lived out your exact dream.
It is possible that you too fulfilled your purpose.
You too saw it to the end, exactly how you wanted.

"What's the use in worrying, what's the use in hurrying
Turn, turn we almost become dizzy"

I have to accept it I guess. Our fantasies and meaning of happiness, are very different.
Even our meaning of family might be.
At the very end, you will be surrounded by those you loved, and love you back.
You will have people holding your hand.
You will have a room filled with love, and that is all you ever wanted.
And that is exactly what you have.
No matter what, you lived the life you felt you needed to.

"Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes
But I'll work it out then I"
...

And that is what I have to accept most of all. Your entire life was a "have to" and mine is a "want to" and both are just fine.
We walked this earth differently but found love.
We walked this earth differently but found purpose.
We walked this earth differently but found family.

Our fantasies for this life were different.
And maybe we both got to live ours.

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