Childhoodtake2!

I have been thinking through my purpose.
This last year had me really reflecting on my life, what I was intended to do, and if there was a reason for me.
I have been thinking about how people should live up to or try to complete their purpose in order to feel real peace.
True comfort.
Actual completion of a job well done.

My purpose.
For ever and always, I defined myself by my work.
And it wasn't until I lost my hum that I realized that I'm not allowed to do that anymore.
I can love what I do, love working, and still turn it off.
I can shut it down.
So, I found two amzing careers, one I was not able to shut down, the other, I learned from my lessons.
I found love in my work again, a hum, laughing, a team.
I found my purpose.

My purpose.
Soon, I was consumed with proving I can do hard things.
I still am tuned into it.
Not letting myself slide.
But I also realized I don't have anything to prove anymore.
I can do hard things, I have been doing hard things my whole life and ease and comfort are okay too.
So I run to light up my lungs.
I lift to keep my body strong.
I walk to be outside and be with my puppy.
I do yoga to stretch and really work out the tightness. I do it to breathe.
I found my purpose.

My purpose.
I met the love of my life.
I met a really nice guy.
I met a man that was so easy to love.
It was a time in my life when I was begging for easy and in he strolled.
All smiles and young.
An adorable rose smile, grinning ear to ear.
And we were family.
I was home.
I found my forever home when I saw him.
I found my purpose.

My purpose.
The family I never knew I always wanted.
It's not a surprise that the man I love wanted babies and introduced me to parenthood.
And then it's no surprise that you were both a gentle start to mothering.
And so it's no surprise how easily we found our groove.
It's no surprise that our dance was so natural.
It's also no surprise that when it took a turn, it knocked the wind out of me and I struggled to find our ease again.
Because a significant part of my purpose is childhood.
Protecting childhood and little.
So, I fight for your childhood kiddos.
I need for you to have warm memories.
I lean into our traditions, big and small, so that we have comfort to rely on.
I rely on our family and the warmth it brings us.
The family I never knew I always wanted.
I found my purpose.

My purpose.
Family.
Good friends and framily ties.
Lots of laughter.
A home filled with warmth and comfort.
A career I love and can put down.
A snuggled puppy sleeping next to me.
A partner I love and trust.
Kids that squeel with joy.
A body that keeps showing up for me and I promise to show up for her.
A home I adore, one I know will soon be way too quiet and empty, but right now, I adore it.
Little, childhood, memories, traditions, puppy snuggles and kisses, kiddos piled on top of us, holding hands all of the time, talking, being together, love on top of love.
Yeah, I found my purpose.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on aware.

Go.

I've been taking very close notice.
Your mannerisms, how much like me they have become.
How you use your hands as I do, use my expressions too.
I've become very aware that I'm in there.

I've been taking very close notice.
How even though you're still my little guy, you're starting to get a little bit taller.
You're getting older, becoming much more a 10-year-old boy and way less a little little kid.
I've become very aware that you're growing up in front of me.

I've been taking very close notice.
How much better we've been doing.
How the house is calmer, how you're happier.
How we yell a whole lot less, the tension seems to be melting.
It was the hardest year we've been through in a very long time and we didn't survive, we really became who we've always been, the best partner.
I've become very aware that we're still in there and how desperately I love you.

I've been taking very close notice.
How around your mouth there are spots of gray.
How during our runs you can't go as far, how tired you get, how easily it comes.
How you still have the spirit, but it's a lot more tamed.
I've become very aware that my little puppy is a full-grown adult dog now.

I've been taking very close notice.
Of time.
How fleeting it is, how quickly it passes, how when you think you always have a little more of it, you don't.
How healing it can be and how much we need it to pass and keep marching on.
I've become very aware that time is our most comforting and most anxious gift.

I've been taking very close notice.
Of my feelings.
How I'm feeling and how I'm really doing.
I think the best answer, honestly, is ok.
I have moments of deep sadness, deep appreciation, deep respect.
I have moments that I'm puffy, I'm at peace, I'm fuzzy, I'm exhausted, I'm loved, I'm lonely, I'm surrounded by beauty.

I'm aware.

My dad was a hard man.
Hard around the edges, hard to relate to, hard to understand.
He was also oddly soft.
Soft in the middle, soft in handling his grandbabies, and soft to their discipline.

My dad was a worker – more than that, he was a hard worker.
He was determined.
He had goals but mostly, he loved his work and he loved to work.
He sacrificed his body for his work and he sacrificed his time.
He put work first for so many reasons but ultimately, it was because if he gave his word, he always kept it.

My dad was also someone that loved a good party.
Loved to unwind.
Loved to be together, make a toast, loved a glass of wine, and throw a bar-b-q.
He lived for a summer boat ride on Lake George or a night out at a good restaurant.

My dad had a difficult life at times.
And then there were times he made it more difficult than it needed to be.
More complicated.
He also had a very big life and he lived a lot of life in his 77 years, actually, more than most. 

My dad could be scary.
And there were times he confused fear for respect.
And there were times he confused fear for protection.
But there was never a time he would not protect.
He saw that as his role, the protector of the family.

My dad was a fighter.
He did not know how or when to put his fighting gloves down.
But it was that fight that defined him and in the end, he fought so hard for life.
He fought to stay with us because fighting is all he knew and there are times fight and drive carry you far.

My dad had a way.
One way.
His way.
From how to set a table to how to live your life, there was only one way.
Frank’s way or don’t even bother.

He was described as a man with a booming personality.
He was described as larger than life.
He was described as a force and tough and loud.

My dad was never afraid to speak his mind but was effortlessly charismatic.
He did not always say I love you but was loved and knew love.
He was often wrong but always thought he was right.
My husband can attest to how well he passed this trait on to me and my sister.

To my mother that spent 52 years with him, bless you.
Bless your strength.
Thank you for taking such good care of him.
His last words to my husband were “she’s a good woman, my wife”.
His last act of love and protection was to make sure you didn’t see him pass.

To his grandchildren, he learned true love when he met you.
He learned how to say I love you out loud.

Adrian, you were his first and the one that made him a Nonno. Watching you grow into who you are was his dream come true. Laughing with you was what brought him to life. Saying whatever you have on your mind, that’s your Nonno.

Luca, you were the one that kept him on his toes. Always jumping from place to place as a kid. You were the one that made him realize what it must have been like to raise him. Your love of soccer, that’s your Nonno.

Anna, you were his one and only. He called you his princess and queen. He spent almost every day of your first few weeks holding you…his little granddaughter. Your stubborn grit, that’s your Nonno.

Cole, you made his heart squishy. You were his little sidekick. The one that would run into his arms, knock him over with a hug. The one that made him realize how beautiful a heart that full can be. Your way of flirting without even realizing it, that’s your Nonno.

There was a brief moment of clarity when my dad accepted his fate.
No tears, no rage, no fear, but acceptance. He looked at me with peaceful eyes and said “well Bella, this is where our story ends”.
And it wouldn’t be us if I didn’t point out to you how wrong you are Babbo.
Your story began again and again with us and then again with your grandchildren and will continue to evolve.
You live in all of us and we will continue to live your story.  

Babbo, you gave us your grit, your stubborn nature, your curls, your work ethic, your love of work, your idea that family has to come first, and your infuriating way of having to always be right.
And yes, Cory wants it really known that you did in fact pass this on to both of your daughters... or as he calls it, “the Ruzza way”.

If there is anyone on this earth that deserves rest and peace, it’s you Franguch.
We hope you find both but we also hope you continue to give them hell.

There are so many things we want to say to you but it all comes down to the two words you’ve always wanted to hear from us, thank you.

Goodbye Babbo and thank you.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on guess.

Go.

If I were to guess, you decided to leave when you knew she was gone.
If I were to guess, you picked it, you needed to control it.
If I were to guess, you're pissed that it's all over.
You felt you had a lot more story to write, a lot more you wanted to finish.
And you're offended by something we did or didn't do.
But you're also proud of how much we all showed up for you.

If I were to guess, you're fighting with your father.
And laughing with your sister.
And hugging your mother.
And looking out for the little ones you left here.

If I were to guess, there were very few that got you.
And even those that did, struggled with your decisions.
But those that did also realized how complicated you were, how hard you tried, and how scared you were of this world.

If I were to guess, it doesn't hurt anymore.
And you're no longer scared.
You get it now, something finally clicked.
And although you're not okay with the final chapter, you're proud of the whole book.
If I were to guess, you see that now. You can see it all at once instead of paragraph by paragraph.

If I were to guess, it's going to be okay, and we're going to be okay, because you taught us how to be okay.

Stop.

Ten fingers, ten toes.
Let's make sure we count them right.
Oh, my sweet little boy, my love at first sight.

Ten million reasons to love you.
Ten million more ways you shine like a light.
Oh, my sweet little boy, my love at first sight.

Ten little nicknames.
Ten cute little reminders of a love that burns so bright.
Oh, my sweet little boy, my love at first sight.

Ten snuggles, ten smooches, ten times longer than nighttime should take.
Ten more "just one more thing" before we say goodnight.
Oh, my sweet little boy, my love at first sight.

You were born in the morning, a big and snuggled little guy with eyes so blue and bright.
You were placed next to me and looked deep into my eyes with all of your might.
Oh, my sweet little boy, my love at first sight.

You were born to change something in this world.
You were born to show us how to do it right.
Oh, my sweet little boy, my love at first sight.

You were born to a family that needed you.
You were born to be held on to tight.
Oh, my sweet little boy, my love at first sight.

You were born to run and play.
You were born to remind us that life is full of joy and delight.
Oh, my sweet little boy, my love at first sight.

Ten million reasons to love you.
Ten million more to add to that and it still doesn't feel quite right.
To our now ten your old boy, you are my one and only, my love at first sight.