This lover of love.
This sap.
This cryer at commercials.
This woman with one superpower, loving others, does not believe in soulmates.
Does not does not does not.

Lovies, dad is the love of my whole life.
I think about my love for him all of the time.
I think about how I could be loving him better.
I think about him and his heart and if I am taking care of both.
But, I do not think we are soulmates.

Lovies, dad is the love of my whole life.
When I met your dad, everything hard melted.
I met my family.
I met happy.
I met easy.
I met the start of forever.
I met my forever and always.
But, I did not meet a soulmate.

Lovies, dad is the love of my whole life.
But love and marriage and parenting and forever and always IS hard and I do not take that for granted.
I do not take our marriage for granted.
I do not believe that something else out there is keeping us together so we can neglect our relationship.
I know we have to work on it, us, all of us all of the time.
We can take a day off here or there, but every time we take too much time off from us, nothing but us brings us back.

Lovies, dad is the love of my whole life.
But, I do not think we are perfectly suited for each other in every way.
I believe that he is my balance.
I believe he is my counterpart and I do believe that I need his energy.
But, I do not believe that he understands all of me.
I do not believe that we were born to meet.
I do not believe our souls were connected and that he would be lost without me.

Lovies, dad is the love of my whole life.
When we started, I was drawn to him.
For the first time in my life, I wanted something easy and to find someone happy.
Full of actual joy.
We happily fell into love and joy.
Years later, we have continued to add hard here and there and have to continuously check in.
We have to keep each other in mind.
We have both changed and we need to make sure that our entire foundation hasn't crumbled.
We have to make sure as we grow and change we are doing it in the same direction, or else it won't work.
No matter how it felt in the beginning, it won't work.
Our history won't keep us together.
That first smile won't.
That first kiss won't.
They will keep you warm when things get cold but they will not keep you.

Lovies, dad is the love of my whole life.
Not my soulmate but the love of my life and I will do all that I can to keep that love strong.
I will work on keeping us because I know that nothing else will.

Do not read this to think that I will huff and puff at you believing in them.
Do not read this thinking I will poke fun.
But, do not wait thinking someone perfect is out there either, and do not walk away when it gets hard.
Even soulmates have to work at it.
But I do hope you find the love of your whole life.


Five Minute Friday - while

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on while.


In a little while
this hurt will hurt no more
I'll be home, love

When you were first born, we turned this song on and your dad danced with you.
When we brought you home, he turned it on again and held you as he danced around our family room.
As the tears streamed down my face, I felt like I was watching your whole world flash by my eyes, even though you were days old.
But, days turn into months, years, and before we know it, a lifetime.

In a little while
this hurt will hurt no more
I'll be home, love

The words still ring in my ears and immediately this memory still hits me.
But recently, they mean something different.
I have been in a sad fog.
And I have not been around, fully.
But I feel myself coming home.
I feel it lifting and coming back home to you all.

In a little while
this hurt will hurt no more
I'll be home, love

Losing those that you thought mattered is hard.
It's painful.
It's a pain you cannot put into words.
And the rollercoaster is real.
The anger, the numbness, the tears, it's all so real and you feel it all.
Sometimes you're feeling it all at the same time, sometimes separate, it's a mess.
Loss is a messy.

In a little while
this hurt will hurt no more
I'll be home, love

Leaving the pain and sadness is something you can actually feel happening.
There are fewer tears.
There are fewer bouts of rage.
The sound of your name doesn't hit me as hard.
I don't feel your weight anymore.

You laugh a little more.
You see reasons to laugh again.
You remember joy.
You find people, other people.
You move on in some way.

But in a little while, I'll be home, love.
I'm on my way home love, in a little while.



This time of year

There's a certain amount of peace that comes with this time of year.

Lovies, even as your dad and you are screaming your heads off in the other room cheering on the Bills, I am overcome by such sappy peace that you are just going to need to ride it out with me.

It's almost poetic.
Last week, I was begging, pleading, for time to heal me.
But, just because I'm ready to let the loss go, does not mean the healing will begin.
As dad said, it's like watching a pot. You keep calling for it instead of just allowing it to happen organically.
I'm grasping for something, but it's not there for me to grab...not yet.

It's almost poetic.
And during my favorite Sunday calls, my sister-in-law reminded me that all I can do is forgive.
Not the pain, not the people, but forgive yourself for what you put up with and why.
And so I started to do just that. On my hands and knees, in child's pose, I asked for forgiveness.
Not healing, but forgiveness.
Because for years, I put up with too much - we all did.
There is peace in forgiving yourself.

It's almost poetic.
Scrolling through social media, I can see all of the posts about how fall is the universe reminding us of the beauty that comes with letting go.
The beauty in losing it all and creating something...new.
See, sappy...but there is peace at this time of year.

It's almost poetic.
I sat in the tub tonight, with so much hot water, not warm, hot.
The suds were all around me. The salts smelled so good.
My heart rate slowed down.
My thoughts got a little quiet.
I was so warm, so incredibly warm.
And I asked for forgiveness, not healing, but forgiveness.
I closed my eyes and thought, there is peace in this.

It's almost poetic.
I finished one more part of Nonno's stuff. My dad's stuff. One uncomfortable and awful part that was left for us.
Left, for us.
And sometimes it made me so mad that it was left.
How he just wouldn't believe this was happening so wasn't going to tie up loose ends.
So he left us with it.
But more than anger, I was so sad.
For him, his trust, his love for his family, his character, his damn strong character.
Instead I cried, again.
Being sad about him brings me such strange wonderful comfort.
My relationship with your Nonno was so complicated and the fact that I'm sad feels so normal to me.
There is such peace in his loss and the deep sadness it brings.

It's almost poetic.
The leaves are changing, falling to the ground now.
The colors are strong, but barely hanging on.
The trees are losing a lot and bracing themselves.
I wonder if that's what peace actually looks like?
Getting down to nothing, a stub of who you were, getting ready for the cold, and then starting over again and getting something new to reach out.
There is such peace here.

It's almost poetic.
I don't know if I will ever shed you, the feel of you, the warmth you once brought.
I don't know if I will ever forgive myself all of the way.
I don't know if I will ever be able to hear your names and be okay.
But I do know I will feel warmth again and again and again.
I do know that I will find something new, once I stopped grasping for nothing.
And I of course know, there's a certain amount of peace that comes with this time of year.


Five Minute Friday - become

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on become.


Free of constant worry.
Less angry.
A strong example.
A good mother.
A bride you can rely on.
The example of love.
The keeper of memories.
The light you need in the dark.
The comfort you, and I, seek.
In love with my life.
Less tired.
A smile in the room.
A person who lives her life with intention.
The maker and keeper of traditions.
An adult that understands and moves through grief and loss.
More and less.
Better and worse.
Who you think I am.
Who I think I am.
Who I know I am.

To become all of me.



Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall. –F. Scott Fitzgerald

The kids started school. Cory went back to work. The house got quiet again. I went back to working alone and Pearl and I found our routine...have I mentioned that this mamma loves a routine.

I celebrated a birthday. I started a new year, a new age, new but a lot of the same.

The air in NY is more chilling. I started running with mittens in the morning. There's a definite change in the temps now and we started to pull out sweatshirts and warmer blankets.

It's been raining a lot. I love everything about it. The chill, the gray, the sound, the smell. There's a cozy sentiment this time of year that cannot be beaten.

The drinks are different. The meals. The feel of life, it all feels a little different.

The walks are different too. There are different smells and different sounds now. The warmth and greenness are starting to go away and they are being replaced by the fall colors, the smell of fires, and some gray gray skies.

They say that all people, adults included, feel a "new year" with the start of fall. Just as much as a NYE start. There is such a shift in the air and surroundings, there is such a link to our school days, that it feels like a new start.

It's a good time of year to start a new habit or break a bad one. It's a good time of year to take stock. You can figure out what is and is not working. What do you want the end of your year to look like, and what changes do you want to include? What is working, what do you want to stay with you?

I'm going to lean harder into gratitude this season.
I'm going to read way more.
I'm going to increase my steps.
I'm going to keep my love of love.
I'm going to keep my movement with Pearl.
I'm going to try and find a yoga/pilates community.
I'm going to start taking a nightly bath, I'm really going to enjoy the warmth of the season.

It's a new season in NY.

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