Last week, all of the leaves let go in upstate NY. All of them. My runs and walks are crunchy now. Everything is really bare. And all of the green that we have become so used to has turned to a dark dead brown. The only things still holding on are the grass and the unseasonally warm weather that has me running in tank tops. But even that has started to fade and the rain and colder temps are coming on stronger. Our normal temps are making their way and NY is getting ready for its longest season. We officially need to say goodbye to the warmth now and welcome cozy season.
Last week, I took a walk in a very familiar area. It had really familiar surroundings and I realized something, I no longer missed it. I had finally let go too. I said goodbye. I officially said goodbye to what I was holding on to the very most and I want to welcome something new.
I have no idea why no idea and I do not know what changed inside of me but something finally released its grip. I saw and realized what we were, what we meant, and what we definitely no longer are. I no longer had the pain that I had. I no longer longed to hear us. I no longer longed for you. I said goodbye.
I have spent so long begging for this release and if I am honest, I do not trust it. I do not believe I will no longer feel the need to hear your voice and laugh and talk to you. I do not trust I will not still dream of you, or that the hold has fully released. I do not trust that it will not hurt and that memories won't bring me pain. But for now, I let you go. My heart does not have this unsettling ache. I said goodbye.
I saw something in you that I did not realize was there. I finally saw it all right in front of me. Not what it always and forever was, but what it became. And I finally forgave myself for so much. I am sorry for my part but goodbye is what I needed.
It's pretty healing to forgive someone that never says they are sorry. I have spent a lifetime doing that.
It would be fitting to now say goodbye to those I never was able to have closure from.
In my own way, on my own terms, in my own time, I said goodbye.