Childhoodtake2!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on assume.

I assume it was said because you felt comfortable in the room.
I assume that the racism that was so clearly spilling from your being was comfortable for you, especially as others chimed in.
I assume I didn't say anything to contradict because I didn't want to make it uncomfortable.

But now I know, I'm a huge part of the problem.
And once again, I shut down at the wrong moment.
There were many ways I could have handled it:
I could have agreed with you that you are, in fact, being an asshole.
I could have said, I think it's time for me to go.
I could have pointed out that not talking about it and making racist jokes might be part of the problem.
I could have asked you if you've asked a marginalized person their perspective.
I could have asked you how many friends of color your kids actually have.

But I didn't.
I don't assume I'm part of the problem, I absolutely know it.

On holiday it is the reversing of normal habits that does one so much good. - R. C. SHERRIFF

Every vacation dad and I switch personalities.
I become very calm, I don't want to see a schedule, I get up late, I went to spend the entire time sleeping.
I still work, but here and there and just enough to keep up and even that, there is a different feeling about the work.

Dad, on vacation, loves a schedule.
Loves an agenda.
Loves a place to be and things to see.
Loves to get up and out the door early.
We have crowned him AIS...he will leave without us.
Waiting around makes him cringe.
Doing nothing all day, don't even try.

Even when it comes to planning for the trip.
It has been so long since I have planned a single trip or even helped, that I'm not sure I would even know how.
I don't know if I would know how to book a flight or how to navigate traveling.
I am literally along for the ride.
I normally have no idea where we are headed, how we are going to get there, or what we're going to eat, Dad just does it all for us.

And sometimes, I feel so bad. He works so so hard for us to get these trips just right.
But then I also realize how much he really really loves all the planning and going down rabbit holes for years to get it just right.
I do not have that kind of patience.

And as soon as we get there, it's on.
It makes me laugh, every single time, how we become the other person the second vacation starts.
I never understood it.

How does the type A mom that has everything in her life scheduled let go that much?
How does the calm and laid-back dad with no cares in the world suddenly snap to?

And then I saw this little sentence.
This little expression that made me pause.

This February we are away.
We went to a Cuse basketball game.
We're headed to Baltimore and then Philly.
Dad has it all planned out.
The routes to take, the way the car needs to be set up, the places he wants to see, the reservations he has, even the music he wants for his road trip.

At the end of every vacation he always asks, did I do a good job?
Like a little sweetheart asking for praise.
Of course you did sweetie.
You always get it just right.

Thank you Coach. You have given us so many memories.
Although I complain about some of the go-go-go of it all, I also know that if it weren't for you, we wouldn't have been able to do any of this.
Thank you for all of your hours of research.
Thank you for bookkeeping everything as soon as we need to.
Thank you for having us see all of the places and do all of the things.
Thank you for all of your attention and for making sure we book some downtime for me.

Me, I'll just pack my bag, follow you like a little lost puppy, and grab a nap where ever and whenever I can!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on many.

Go.

For many years, I have loved you.
For many many years, I have held you close, and thought of you always.
For many many many many years, I have needed your love right back.
And that need has grown.

For many years, I have been suffocating.
For many many years, I love a little too hard.
For many many many years, I have not listened to those that have felt suffocated.
And that need has to stop.

For many years, I have tried to fill an obvious hole.
For many many years, there has been a gap I have tried to stuff full.
For many many many years, the people I love have felt I am too much.
And that need has to stop.

For many years, I have been so pleased with how I love.
For many many years, I am proud of that, I call it my superpower.
For many many many years, I have been told I expect too much.
And that need has to stop.

I have to find many different ways to love.
I have to find many many different ways to feel loved.
I have to find many many many different ways to stop.

I am out with lanterns, looking for myself. - Emily Dickinson

Hi sweet loves.
There are times in all of our lives in which we go searching.
We find ourselves a little lost.

Sometimes, it's because we don't know if we should stay in a relationship.
Sometimes, it's because we don't know what to do with a career.
Sometimes, it's because of our location and thoughts of moving.
Sometimes, it's because we just feel lost.
So we go searching.

Sometimes, it's because we have to make serious changes.
Sometimes, it's because we have to make decisions that are life-changing.
Sometimes, it's because we don't feel like ourselves and sometimes, it's because we've forgotten who we are.
So we go searching.

In 2023, your mom went searching.
After so much loss in her life, after feeling so off, after feeling so tired, she went searching.

I am out with lanterns, looking for myself.

I'm trying to figure myself out...again.
I'm trying to find myself...again.
I'm searching for my heart, but afraid to find it because I know there is still pain there.
I'm searching for myself, but afraid to find her because I know she is hurt.

And I have to ask myself if I'm really ready to find her.
Am I ready to pick her up? Am I ready to hold her up?
But I'm tired of feeling so heavy and I'm tired of feeling so off.
I'm tired of feeling and I'm tired of pretending.
So I do have a lot to figure out.

So, throughout your life, you too will go searching, I'm sure of it.
Especially for you Anna, you will find yourself time and time again a little lost.
It sneaks up on you when you don't think it should.
When you're young, when you're old, when you're unsettled, and when you're settled.
And it will happen more times than you can imagine.

For me it happened when I graduated college.
Then multiple times in my career.
Once to leave the city dad and I fell in love in.
Once after the fog fell onto our home and again and again and again.

So, I am out there again, with lanterns, looking for myself.
Trying to shine a light on the darkness all around me.
Trying to see if I can find her, most likely huddled on the ground.
Holding her knees close to her chest.
Most likely crying.
Most likely cold and wishing for a little comfort and warmth.

I'm coming, just look for my lantern and give me a shout, I'll find you soon enough.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on access.

Go.

In this year, things have to be different. I have to be different. I am the common denominator in my chaos and I have to be different. I have to.
Which means I need to provide less access - to me, to my heart, to my energy.
That is so different for me...
...because the honest truth is, I'm suffocating. I suffocate my relationships and I ask and expect too much.
...because the honest truth is, I'm just as much to blame. I am trying to fill a void and that is not fair.
...because the honest truth is, I'm a lot and not everyone can be with me.
...because the honest truth is, I need to take a step back and see who has access to me, and I need to make changes.

All while still being me and having my one and only superpower shine through.
I need to provide less access - and that is so hard for me to figure out, but I need to.

That means I need to realize when and why I am uncomfortable.
I need to find a way to speak up and say that I am.
I need to process...less.
I need to think about it...less.
I need to explain it...less.
I need to speak up...more.
I need to, at the very least, say that we are headed down a hurtful conversation and I need to step out.
I need to do better.
I need to live up to who I am and I need to remind myself that I matter too...I matter.

I need to realize no one is responsible for making me whole.
I need to make myself whole.
I need to find my voice, my love, and my self-respect.
I need to show up much more for me.

I have not been well and I have felt depleted and I have been depleted.
And now I have to do better by doing a little less.

Oh joy begin
Weak little thing
More precious there'll be nothing, no
Oh joy begin

Sweet loves of mine...
I have shared how motherhood was not what I had imagined in my life.
I have shared how worried I always was to be a mom.
I have shared how I put motherhood out of my mind.
But I share my life with a man that would not have it any other way.
Fatherhood was always a part of his story.

More precious there'll be nothing, no
Oh joy begin

When you first came into our lives, the joy of parenting was overwhelming.
I cannot begin to tell you how at peace I was in our first three years of life.
Joy had entered my soul in a way that I did not realize would happen.
My connection to your father was so intense, we were living a significant part of our purpose...
not just to be parents, but to be your parents.
I had no fear, I had no concerns, I just mothered and loved.
Let's not forget these early days...oh joy begin

And then, without warning, without realizing it...a fog came over us.
Draped in a heavy cloud, gray, full of darkness, it fell hard and fast.
We then spent years of our lives blindly stumbling through, no longer co-parenting, no longer connected, no longer living our purpose, but continuously trying.
We landed in such a way that our love allowed us to clear a path...we always knew we were all still there, we just needed to find a way, our way.
We lose our way in fear and pain...oh joy begin

As we lived through this fog, I look back and think of how thick it was to fight our way through.
Not our coach, he doesn't even remember it.
As I look back, I think of the pain, the tears, the difficulties.
Not our coach, he remembers our children growing up in front of his eyes.
And the truth is, we are both right. Both of those things happened at the same time.

More precious there'll be nothing, no
Oh joy begin

Looking back at our time together, so many things developed.
You grew, you grew and you grew and you grew and you grew.
And so did we.
Together, we built on something and intentionally tried to find joy.

We made joyous decisions like...
we would travel and give you experiences.
we would show you parts of the country and world that we hadn't seen.
We made joyous decisions like...
we would give you opportunities to try new things, things you wanted to try
instruments and sports and clubs and friends
We made joyous decisions like...
we would fill our home with traditions and foundations that you relied on
we would fall back to the real us and snuggle in
we would show each other love in wonderful ways
we would rely on each other
We made joyous decisions like
we would adopt and take care of a dog
we would show them our love and attention
we would take care of them and hold them as close as we held each other
We made joyous decisions like
we would read together
we would play board games
we would watch movie series
we would connect, in any way possible, we would connect.

After so many years, the fog is definitely lifting.
We can see how much more clearly now.
We have repaired much of the hurt we have faced.
We allowed love to fix the broken and find our way back.
There are reasons we are here now...

First and foremost, we would not give up on us.
With you growing, I leaned so heavily on dad and his parenting style.
We talked and talked and talked.
We listened to each other and made changes based on the pain we were causing.
We lost a lot together, more than we knew we were going to. More than we had imagined at this point in our lives. And, when you really are family, well, you fall into each other during significant loss and pain. You push each other to look differently at life. You ask each other about different ways it could have gone. You support each other, but also make sure you are being honest. You remember that your person makes you the best version of you and you show up.
We remembered that we are partners in the best way. It's the most wonderful thing about us lovies and recently, it has become so evident and makes me well, joyful.

It is important to me that you hear and remember all of us sweet loves.
Life, relationships, marriage, and partners, it is work. Real-life work. Forever work. The most important work.
It is so easy to love in the hard, it is so so easy to love in the easy. It is so easy to love in the beginning.
It is so much work to love forever. The most important job you will have is being in a relationship...any relationship. Friendships, forever loves, family, framily...they are all important work...our most important work.
Because why else are we all here if not to connect, support, love, push, cherish, engage, challenge, and adore one another?

If you ever find yourself in the deep of the fog, keep talking, keep searching, keep remembering.
Do not forget your story, your connection, your reasons.
Do not believe the lies of everyday bliss and joy.
Do not believe that there will not be fog.
Do not believe that the work isn't worth it, it always is.
Do not forget our story, our love story.
The one that began with two innocent kids, falling so easily for each other.
Finding joy so remarkably easily.
And then with intention, finding our way back.

With laughter sing, oh life begin
First just one step

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on ignore.

Go.

I am not one to ignore my feelings.
I'm not one that can easily forget, or forgive, to be honest.
I don't normally try to ignore my instincts. I know that I can feel the temperature in a room before people even talk...I typically lean into that.

But lately, I've been trying to ignore what is in front of me.
I keep hearing you coach, telling me that I have to be more positive.
Telling me that I have to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
And although I adore your joy, I adore your insight and look on the world, I think it's time I get back to my instincts.
I think I need to find my way back to trusting me again and not ignoring who I am.

I promise that does not mean I will be the hard shell I was before we met.
I promise I will still find my joy in life and the world.
But I do need to remember that my instincts are rarely off and I need to listen to me again.

After a long stretch of ignoring myself, I am climbing my way back.

Stop.