Childhoodtake2!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on break.

Go.

...when something breaks, something greater often emerges from the cracks. –NNEDI OKORAFOR

Oh, how I needed to hear this. Especially this week.
I went away for a very long time, after a very rough 18 months.
Everything broke.
No, that's not true, I broke everywhere.
...when something breaks, something greater often emerges from the cracks.

So, what is to emerge? What is to come? What happens after I break?
I pick up the pieces, I put myself back together and I emerge.

2023 is my year of self-respect and it is making me and others uncomfortable but I am leaning in.
I am finding my voice again while still not strapping on my fighting gloves - it's hard.
I am NO LONGER interested in proving I can do hard things - I have already proved it to myself over and over again. I am done.
I am trying very very very hard to lean into my "athletic body". JC talk about HARD!
I am no longer a lean person. I have a lot of muscle mass. I have a huge bum. I have curves now. I have a body of someone that lifts and I am trying SO hard to just be.
I am finding a different way to love and that's hard for me too.
I am working on me, like I've always done.
I am picking up my broken pieces.

I am falling madly and deeply in love with my hubby again.
I am reminded of who we were and our fog is lifting.
I am loving loving loving loving my babies.
Who are no longer babies but secretly, I will always call them my babies.
I am really finding my grove with both of you, and our "things" and holy hell, I am loving loving loving it.

I am emerging. I am picking up my broken pieces and I am emerging.

Stop.

Do not look back. And do not dream about the future, either...Your duty, your reward—your destiny—are here and now. –DAG HAMMARSKJOLD

I spend a lot of time deep in my past.
I also spend quite a bit of time wondering about my future.
That leaves very little time for the here and now.

Several years ago, I made a shift.
It wasn't overnight, and it wasn't a huge change, but it was significant for me.
I was never 100 percent where I was supposed to be, I was never 100 percent "present" but I leaned a little harder into the here and now.

It started with my runs.
I stopped racing and I started just running.
I no longer had to hit miles, I no longer racked them up, and I no longer had to prove I could do hard things.
Instead, I ran. I just ran to go for runs.
I stopped sometimes.
I watched the seasons change.
I watched my puppy.
I looked at the trees around me, I paid attention to the sky.
I looked at my surroundings, a lot.
I noticed things...like my breath and the sound of my feet.
I listened to her tag rattle against her collar and I heard the pitter-patter of her little feet too.

I then moved on to baths.
I took them much more often.
I sank into them, I really really sank into the warmth.
It felt like a hug and I just sat.
I lit candles, sometimes.
I made it a bubble bath, sometimes.
I brought wine with me, sometimes.
Sometimes I read or listened to music.
Other times I just sat there, alone, in the quiet.

Then, I started reading more, or again, or more again.
Either way, I started to end my night with a book instead of a screen.
I started to get lost in other stories instead of everyday reality, we all get enough of that.
I read slowly but that's okay, it's amazing how once you start reading more, you want to read more and more.
And I forgot how much I get lost in books and stories and how attached I get to characters.
How much I learn about myself or find myself attracted to a personality.
So, I started to read a lot more.

I started walking as a hobby.
Seriously.
My puppy and I walk and walk and walk.
I can feel my body open up.
I can feel myself calm the hell down.
How can you not with that little face so excited to take in the smells and sights?
She is so so happy on her walks and her joy is kind of everything.

Then, I took a look at my work.
How crazed I get about the mistakes of my past and worried about the future.
The traps I fall into like all of the "what ifs". I play the "what if" game a hell of a lot!
But, I didn't want to wake up again and have killed my joy of this path too so I got a handle on it.
I didn't want to realize that I was living a life of constant nightmares and crying so I needed to fix it.
So, I went to work on fixing my work and what it means to me.
I tried to remember that I am not my mistakes.
That I need thicker skin, most times.
I then realized that I can take some breaks.
I can clear my head.
I have the right people around me that have my back.
People smarter than me that work hard and keep me informed.
I found a way to start problem-solving again and being much more solution focused - I had forgotten I can do that.
I deal with things one at a time.
I try to not get too wrapped up in my self-made traps and I am learning a different style and approach.

I am not always and forever in the "here and now".
It's not who I am or how I tick, but I am trying and I am getting a little bit better.
And the most incredible thing I have noticed is, I do like noticing things.
I love watching the lake I run by change with the seasons.
I love taking in the colors of summer and the bitter gray of the winters in NY.
I love how many trips we now get to fit in and I love that the kids realize I am around and I love love love that I no longer feel like someone is standing on my chest.

Your duty, your reward—your destiny—are here and now.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on follow.

Since you were born, I followed your lead.
I knew, I always knew, that you would be ready first.
So, instead of slowing you down and letting you know how much my heart ached, I followed...you.

I followed you to daycare and left my infant baby in the arms of a mother trying to do it all herself.
I followed you to preschool and for the very first time in our lives, I let go of your hand.
I followed you to the bus for kindergarten and watched as you didn't even think about looking back.
I followed you through your elementary school days.
I followed you to middle school and watched a little girl go into a large school and make her way.

I watched you make friends, real friends.
I watched you become you, the real you.
I watched you laugh, full body laugh.
I watched you work hard, I watched you play hard.
I followed you.

I know you know how hard I struggle with it all, but honestly, you have no real idea.
Tonight, as you walked out of the house, looking like such a teenager, I followed along.
Okay, I see you, I see how much grit and self-confidence you have.
I see your self-respect, and I'll follow you.

When you were three, you stood on our front porch before your very first day of preschool and you whispered in my ear, "are you proud mom"...
Although I am and always and forever will be, none of that matters. You're proud of you.
You know you, damn, and I will follow.

You continue to lead the way sweet love of mine.
I will follow you anywhere.

When relationships, friendships, love, actual love, ends...
it never ever just ends.
There are so many emotions, what ifs, lingering thoughts, feelings, ties.
There are literal ties to the person(s) and your history together.
There are too many emotions, nothing is ever a clean break.

Too many things bring it all back,
like a memory, a song, a drive, or a dream.
There is too much in our past to make it completely go away.
And I have to always ask myself if I want it all to go away.
Because there are times when my memories keep me warm, and you were a part of that.

And when it really ends, closure isn't as easy as it sounds.
The grieving/loss/mourning that needs to happen is relentless.
And then you hope that somehow your heart will fix all the broken, that time will once again make things feel okay.

I go back and forth between
- getting so mad at myself for missing parts of my history
and
- embracing the fact that true love was shared so of course I want to honor the past.

I go back and forth between
- why can't I let you go forever
and
- I never want to lose what you meant to me.

I go back and forth between
- why am I always the only one hanging on
and
- isn't it obvious why?

In a heartbeat, a story and a life can change.
What was once your forever and always can become so painfully a thing of your past.
At least that's how I feel about it.

I often wonder how you will move on from heartbreak.
I can take a guess that one of you will get mad instead of sad, because feeling sad makes you angry.
I can take a guess that the other will crumble and ask all of the questions and second guess your every move.
I can take a guess that one of you won't be treated disrespectfully for even one minute.
I can take a guess that the other will keep holding on hoping it will eventually fix itself.

I hope you both find a middle ground but most importantly, I hope you both feel and understand loss.
It means your heart loved and that's okay.
It means that you allowed your heart to take a chance and that's good.
It means that you did have good/great/memorable times and that is important.
It means that you carried someone close to you and that is necessary.
It hopefully means that you too were loved and that is vital.
It hopefully means you know better for next time and you learned more about yourself, and that is constant.

When it ends littles, nothing is really over forever.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on story.

Our story started as two young moms, with two young kids.
Our story started over family, surviving, and complaining.
Our story started with trepidation, nerves, and some second thoughts.

And then it bloomed and blossomed and what we created was magical.
We created love and wholeness and friendship and need.
We entered each other's lives just as we needed to, or at least, as I needed.
Because I really needed you and your entire family.

So so much so that I let it go, I let a lot of it go.
So so much that I got lost in you.
But I'm not even a little bit upset about that, I wanted so desperately to get lost in you.
I wanted, needed, too much, to have you be a part of my story.
I'm so so sorry I tried that hard.

I lingered.
I stayed too long.
I was too much.
I allowed too much.
I put up with too much too.

And then, just like that, it was over.
Our story was over.
I have been told that it ended also out of need.
I have been told that it ended because it needed to.
I have been told that the way I miss you is normal, and I have been told that it's time to put this all to rest.
I have been told that our story is in the past and I need to move on.
Everyone is right.

But, our story meant something to me and I want you to know that.
I mourned us.
I cried at every single turn.
I still do, at times but it's hitting me less and less now.

I understand it's over...our story is over.
It's in the past, we're a thing of the past.
Our story is a thing of the past.

Good morning joy, it's been a while since I have seen your face.
First thing in the morning, it's been a long long time.
I suddenly noticed you when I felt light, airy, almost a bounce in my step.
I saw you when I was walking Pearl and loving her tail wagging.
I saw you while in the gym and pushing myself hard.
I saw you this morning, when the snow was quietly falling, I noticed the quiet and I breathed you in.
I saw you and I remembered what you felt like.
Good morning joy, welcome back to me.

Good afternoon joy, it's been a while since I have felt you.
Right in the middle of the day.
Working my day, working my work.
It's been so long since I have felt this good about my work and my day and my schedule.
It's been so long since I have felt happy, this happy, this joyful.
I am able to break and be.
I am able to run my day the way I would like to.
I felt you creep in while I wasn't looking.
I felt you take a hold of what was once tired and dread, and I breathed you in, again and again and again.
Good afternoon joy, welcome back to me.

Good evening joy, it's been a while since I have seen you.
At night, when the chaos really begins.
But, there you are. Present when my daughter comes home and fills me in on the funny of her day.
Present when our little guy comes barging through the door and asks to go play.
Present when I take Anna to the gym and get more alone/walking time with Pearl.
Present when we settle into our nightly routines.
Ever present when I'm finishing up on my work and feeling good about the spot I'm in.
Present, there, just fluttering.
Good evening joy, welcome back to me.

And by the time I crawl into bed, it's a different kind of tired.
It's a ready for bed tired vs I want the world to go away tired.
I can read for a bit now, allow my mind to escape, vs I can't even keep my eyes open.
I take a bath to keep the cozy feeling going vs I have to wash the day off of me.
I dream of my life vs the nightmares I was living in.
The stress and anxiety and fear of my world are still present, I can still sense them, but they are once again fuel. No longer a foot standing on my chest and not allowing me to breathe.

My breath is different joy.
My smile is different too.
My thoughts are mine again.
My coffee can be felt.
My mood is yours joy.
My eyes are open again.
My life is okay...I feel okay.

Hello joy, welcome back to me.

"But rushing around seems what's wrong with the world..." DMB

I live a life of doing...striving...full of grit...full of determination...full of goals...and next steps...I always rush.
From one meeting to the next, from one thing to the other, I wore busy like a freaking badge of honor.

Grit, determination, goals, and even stress...those can all be good things.
Until they are not.
Like everything in the world, too much of a good thing is never good and I always crossed a line.
And my biggest complaint was exhaustion but I was unable to sleep. No longer dreaming but living in nightmares.

I was burnt out and I felt like my life had no meaning.
If I wasn't running, what was the point?
I had a goal in mind and I was going to get there, even if it made me a disaster.

And then I gave up a career that defined me and I started something I never imagined I could.
I gave up on what I thought I was always and forever meant for, but what I clearly was loving to death.
Because it was going to be the end of the real me if I stayed much longer.

And then the world stopped spinning and COVID forced us all to stop.
So stop I did.
I stopped rushing and planning and meeting.
I stopped races and racing.
I put a stop to proving I could do hard things. I already know I can so who do I need to prove it to anymore?

And then I figured out how sick I was - how sick I was making myself.
Because it's not normal to cry that much.
It's not normal to have dreams that are war zones.
It's not normal to feel like someone is standing on your chest.
And it's not normal to work that damn hard.
It's also not normal to get the shakes, to forget the most important and the least important things.

And then my father was diagnosed and everything in my life was chaos.
And it was complicated.
And I tried.
And I cried and cried and cried.
And through all of the pain, chaos, dysfunction, complications, and family dynamics, I felt prepared.
I felt as though my heartbeat had finally slowed.
It was no longer racing in my chest, but instead it slowed down even more.

Because I had changed.
I was no longer the woman that was looking to prove herself.
I was showing up for very different reasons.
I was also losing huge parts of me and I was learning who I now was without.

I said goodbye to a career and a definition of who I was.
I said goodbye to people I thought would be my always and forever.
I said goodbye to a man I thought would outlive us all.
I said goodbye to parts of me I was ready to shed.

I put down my fighting gloves.
I lost my venom.
I lost my voice at times.
I lost my desire to stand up for myself a lot.

And I slowed down a lot.
I started to really take notice of the change of seasons.
I listened to my breath on a run.
I took in the colors around me.
I pet and snuggled my dog.
I slept and napped and slept and fell deeper and deeper into sleep.
I ran to hear my feet and feel my lungs push a little bit.
I went all in on a workout and backed off when I realized it was too much - I realized something was too much!
I read before bed now.
I travel a lot.
I walk and walk and walk and walk the dog.
I soak in tubs.
I take crazy hot showers.
I'm with my kids.
My daughter and I talk.
My son and I snuggle.
We have actual time together to just be together.

"Breathing just to breathe
We might find some reason..." - DMB

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on reach.

When I was younger, I reached for things that were not there.
I longed to fill a hole I felt in my heart, so I reached for connection.
And at times, I made up those connections.
I made up the relationships and the meanings and the ties.
Everything always meant a little more to me.

As I got older (and older and older and older) you would think that I would feel more settled.
More in control of relationships.
More filled with love and family I have that I no longer need to fill a void.
No longer making up relationships in my head.
No longer feeling as though I need more because I have all that I need right here.
No longer wanting to reach for what is just not there.

But, that's just not true.
I'm still reaching.
I'm still coming to terms with the fact that parts of my life were made up.
I'm still creating what I need.

For the longest time, I reached for difficult.
For the longest time, I reached and strived to prove myself; prove I can do hard things.
For the longest time, I reached for things that were just not there for me...
love when it was just too complicated,
comfort and ease when it was just too difficult,
joy when it was just too chaotic,
family when it was just not possible.

Because, although all that I love and adore is snuggled under one roof...I still want a little more.
Although I have all that I never thought I wanted, I need to be defined by more than you.
Although I have created my world, my family, and my center, I still need others.
So, I'll keep reaching out.
I'll keep creating.
I'll keep putting the pieces of this life of mine together.

Stop.